Posts Tagged ‘funny’

When I talk about the blockbusters this blog has given, three names that come to my mind are In conversation with: A married guy (co-author Anil Sharma), The real resume of a girl (co-author Shubham Khandelwal) and The Facebook relationship (that’s just me 😉 )

All three not only won people’s hearts but managed to be liked by the critics as well. Not to mention they also bagged tangy Tuesday and spicy Saturday awards by Blogadda. So this article, is my sole attempt to recreate what I did with Anil Sharma is the article mentioned first. This time, we’re in conversation with a guy who just got in a relationship. Without further ado, let’s introduce you to Mr. X. (He doesn’t want single girls to know his name now.)

signs-of-a-desperate-man

Me: Hello Mr. X. Would you please leave your phone and join us here?
He: Oh sure. Hello everyone, love to be here.

Me: Yeah, no one came to watch you. Anyway, what were you doing there on phone? Messaging your girlfriend?
He: No, I was posting about her on twitter.

Me: Ummm… Anyway… So let’s talk about your relationship. How did it happen?
He: You know how difficult it is to get a girlfriend these days?
Me: No.
He: How would you, you don’t have one!
Me: I do.
He: But you never tweet about her! Lame! Anyway, it is difficult. I really had to put in hard work, dedication, efforts and what not!

Me: What not? Let me guess. Money, endless messages and time?
He: Who cares about time? Before her I used to watch roadies auditions all the time.

Me: I’d skip that part. Let’s get a little more personal. Was she always the one for you or it happened suddenly?
He: Suddenly. Like, in a moment.
Me: When?
He: When she said it!

Me: So you’re saying that you said yes to a girl who you didn’t feel for?
He: Look at me. Do you think I have that option?

Me: I’d agree to that! Moving on. What was the first thing you did after this love realization?
He: Posted that I am committed on Facebook.
Me: What! Ok second thing.
He: Twitter.
Me: Alright after that and Google+. Gtalk, Skype, Whatsapp and all other crap… what next?
He: What? Shouldn’t I get any sleep?

Me: Sigh! Ok, so what was her reaction after seeing all this?
He: Who?
Me: Your girlfriend? What did you think!
He: I know. Just that it feels so great when someone says ‘your girlfriend’! Well she hasn’t seen anything yet, hardly comes online!

Me: Still she chose you? So what do you think she likes in you?
He: I am really a good friend. A nice human being. With people in every condition!

Me: Wow! That’s big. Can we get any examples of those qualities?
He: Yesterday only. This girl said ‘I am really sad, mah dog hasn’t eaten anything today’ on Facebook and I commented ‘There there’.

Me: I should have seen that one coming! So tell us one thing you really like about her.
He: My friends say she is hot. Out of my league. Maybe she watches Champions league all the time, that’s why!

Me: SHE IS A FOOTBALL FAN!!!! <Sat back on my chair>. Ahem. Ok. That’s good to know. So is there any advice you would like to give to all the single guys there?
He: Ha! Suckers! I win!

Me: That was… umm… precise! So tell us about your love life. Any special dates?
He: Not yet. I just got committed. Posted about it. We couldn’t talk next day and now here I am. But you don’t need to worry, I’ll blog about the date once we do it.

Me: I am sure that’s something every reader will read! And this question remained untouched somehow, what did she say when she first told you about her feelings?
He: I love you! And then after we cut the call, she sent me some mail I am yet to see.

proposal

Me: I feel old. Things these days have changed or it’s just you?
He: It’s me. Not everyone is lucky to have a girlfriend you see.

Me: How do your friends react to this?
He: I am not able to give them time now. They are kind of angry, I think it’s jealousy. But some respect me too. They even raise their hands when I see them from far.
Me: Do you have vision problems?
He: A little myopic.

Me: Hmm. I am pretty sure they have their middle finger raised while they’re respecting you that way. One more question, with so much going around you, what do you think is more important? Work, education, family, country or relationship?
He: I’ll answer that indirectly. Only single guys answer one of the first four options.

Me: I think it’s time to wrap. It was (not) a pleasure talking to you. (I feel choked and it seems I’d have to take a treatment for bullshit syndrome!)
He: Wait, I am getting a call.

<Speaker on>

 He: Hello
She: Hey, how are you.
He: I am great. Love you!
She: What?
He: Don’t you love me cheeku?
She: Are you drunk? When did I say that? And don’t say that name again, ever… to any girl!
He: But 3 days back you said that on phone. Remember?
She: I love YouTube!!! That’s what I said you idiot. I even mailed you a video of the cat combing her fur that day!

Don’t think much, he fainted. We took him to a hospital where he proposed a nurse and got beaten up.

That Mr. X is almost every other guy these days. Not literally, but well, almost. So guys, life is simple. Take it easy. Learn to appreciate and be modest and above all, listen properly. 😛

In case you don’t like it, comment below and I’ll make sure I make the perfect excuse for that.

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Hello people… In case you’re reading the blog not because I forced you to and spammed you with the link, there’s only one other reason (I hope), you think it’s funny.
So I thought, why not introduce you all to a person who is probably the wittiest guy I have ever met. There are many people who can be funny, but to be genuinely humorous and that too with a natural flow is a characteristic feature of Anil Sharma, a friend from Nepal who by the way, was also voted the wittiest guy on a platform called “TheWittyShit.com” (Not to mention that I was second 😛 )

With this article, I am starting a new category, “in conversation with” where I’ll tell you about my awesome conversations with some awesome people. (Hypothetical in nature, sometimes purely imaginary interviews too)

So the thing is, I am 21, and he is… err… old.  I am not married (And single, girls can take a note) and he belongs to the underprivileged community of married people. In our usual conversations, here are some differences we found out in married life and well, normal life!

Me:  So is it true, when they say marriages are made in heaven?
He:  If heaven is full of Chinese people then yeah, they are!

Me:  So what’s better, arrange marriage or love marriage?
He:  You need to take English lessons pal! Something has to be good to have a superlative called better.

Me:  Oh c’mon, it can’t be that bad! Ok tell me your views about arrange marriage.
He:  Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colours and then……

Me:  Better not speak, anyway, how about love marriage? That sounds tempting, huh?
He:  Have you heard those hindi idioms, “aa bail mujhe mar” and “apne pair pe kulhadi marna”!

Me:  Ohhhk, So why do you think that is? What makes marriage a disaster?
He:  A wife!

Me:  You have to speak a little more, you see, we want to explore!
He:  See, it starts right from the beginning, Marriage is danger, that is why the bride always wears RED.
Moreover, you want to see a comparison, it goes like this:

Before engagement: We are made for each other.  Between engagement and wedding: We are mad for each other.  After marriage: We are maid for each other.

Me:  But there are some good things too right? Like kids, who doesn’t love them!?
He:  When a man says “I like kids” always understand he IS talking about the process.

Me:  I’d agree to that for sure! 😛 I’ve heard that TV is the most problematic thing for a married person. Is that so?
He:  Yep, most common problem is TV. Husband always wants to watch Football and wife always want to kick his balls using her foot.  The wife always wants to watch “Punar-Vivah” and the husband wants it for real.

Me:  I wonder, is it really that bad? Why do people want to get married then!
He:  Have you heard people say marriage is like motichoor ka ladoo , well they are wrong. It’s like a dominos pizza, costs a lot, sounds tempting but tastes like hell, but to taste, you have to try it!
PS: for 80% of indian population, marriage is the easiest way to get laid!

Me:  So sir, any tips for those who just got married or are about to commit this serious mistake?
He:  There is a bunch of tips actually. Take a note.

  • Don’t waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she will treat you like a clown anyway.
  • Never reply to your wife’s “I love you” text with an “Okay”. (That time he also showed me the little wound he had near his forehead)
  • Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
  • And yes, take you wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
  • When she asks for your credit card, give it immediately or you’ll give it after an hour with a broken limb!

Me:  And before you go, if I can ask, what’s the secret of a successful marriage?
He:  There’s a reason they call it a secret!!! No one knows it!!

So that’s it, I am sure this conversation made you laugh. This was Me (Shubham) with He (Anil Sharma) at his best. For more of his humorous jokes, don’t forget to visit his blog FuddledAndPuzzled. I am sure you’ll love it.

Do tell me who you would like to have a “conversation with” next and I’ll try. 🙂

The world consists of two kinds of people, girls and boys. While the first kind is responsible for the development of the world, the second kind basically brags about the fact that behind every successful first kind, it’s them who is responsible. Now all the females who felt offended, please don’t… Well… I don’t really have an explanation why, but just don’t!

So I am going to tell you how a resume of a girl should actually look like. This was a real tough job as I had to get all my facts perfectly correct and double checked.  As this is the month of co-authored posts and I have already put 1 in the series, to help me out in this, I have a co-author, Shubham Khandelwal, a very good friend and a nice writer as well.  So please welcome him and if you find any exaggeration in the article, feel free to blame him.

Moving on, a resume is the basic sketch of your personality and represents you in the outer world. Now what if it contains what you actually are, instead of what you show. Troublesome won’t it be? Here’s one I’ve made for most girls. (See, I said most, not all)

 

RESUME

Name: XYZ (I don’t really want to face the wrath of girls so early, let’s wait for some lines)
Contact Number: You can get that from anyone, you know. 😉

OBJECTIVE

  • For Rajasthani and Gujarati girls: To get married.
  • For Metro city girls: To have affairs with around 10 guys, bankrupt 3-4 out of them, have a bad break-up with 2-3  of them, be friends with rest of them and then get married (not with any of them).
  • For Punjabi girls: To look as beautiful, maintained and sexy as they can and then get fat, of-course after getting married
  • For Southern and Eastern states’ girls: To study to the extent that even the nerds of other states are left behind and then get married.

 

ACHIEVEMENTS

  • Topped the school each year in English and kept the books, notebooks etc. clean and covered.
  • Got first proposed by a guy in 9th grade. Ohh my God, can’t tell you how cute he was!!!
  • Wait wasn’t two enough? Does “sang the morning prayer in assembly for three consecutive years” count?

 

INDUSTRIAL EXPOSURE

VLCC, Kaya Kalp, Kiora, Shades, Shehnaz

Took slimming treatment, figure maintaining treatment, skin treatment, hair treatment and in short everything

PROJECTS

  • Was successfully involved in the project “Don’t tell anyone that rupinder is having an affair with gurmeet”.
  • Handled the project “Let’s put stupid statuses on Facebook that include wine names and month names” for three months regularly.
  • You want a third one? What am I, some rocket scientist!!

 POSITIONS OF RESPONSIBILITY

  • Acted as satellite 24/7 for all the boyfriends I have been with
  • Caretaker of pets especially puppies to the extent that eventually they run to PETA and ask to save them from the “loads” of affection
  • Assisted every friend of mine to do loads of shopping until her wallet or preferably her boyfriend’s wallet became empty.

      

EXTRA CURRICULARS

  • Outstanding debater; can shut up any guy in 2.3 minutes precisely.
  • Exclusively awesome in cursive writing.
  • Awarded for making record smileys in every text I have ever sent.

PERSONAL SKILLS

  • Sharp memory: Can remember every statement said by others date wise.
  • Art & craft: Good at making cards and picking up stuff toys on the basis of cuteness.
  • Can text and talk for hours non stop, also, can sound dumb, cute, mad and lovable at the same time. (Quote: 9 step guide to dating)

Why Should You Hire Me? :

Just have a look at the picture I have attached, and then see if you really want to ask that again!

So that’s it, this was really an anti-feminist kind of post as some might say, but then again, I always maintain equality (Kinda evident from my How to identify a Tharki article!). So girls, do tell me which points I got wrong and if anyone of you wants to help me making a similar one for guys, you’re welcome J

Thanking again my co-author, shubham khandelwal, though we do share the same name, our thought’s don’t match much, except for what we’ve written here. Since this is the first time I’ve ever wrote an article with a guy (Yeah! 😛 ), I would like to share with you all, one of his better articles here. Have a look Here

Why this kolaveri kolaveri di!!! Everyone was busy singing the song, while some ignorant poor souls were searching about sunny Leone videos on Google, a few are still busy celebrating India’s victory in tests while the rest are yet to decide what to talk about. And the remaining was done by sharad pawar!!!

So to give you all something new to discuss about, Rakhi Sawant has now jumped into a borewell. The news reportedly came Sunday evening when our editor was downloading the kolaveri song from YouTube.

The reason of this whole incidence was already made clear by Rakhi in a letter she left before jumping. The letter was, “Among all these things, no one noticed that the usual Indian headlines are lost somewhere. No one is talking about Manmohan Singh’s silence or the increasing petrol prices, and what about RAKHI SAWANT!!!! I am the star item girl of the country, even a kiss I gave used to be breaking news.” 

Rakhi

 The police and fire brigade were immediately rushed to the spot and a video camera was thrown inside to keep a watch on what’s happening inside the bore well. According to the sources, govt. is not allowing public to see the video feed, it will be given on a chargeable basis instead. As there was very little room for throwing anything inside, she was asked if she wanted to eat, in reply to which, she asked for a loud speaker and microphone so that she could speak to people and press. She also said she could live without eating for a day or two but having press on the spot was a necessity.

The reaction to this incident was mixed. The media thinks it was a smart move to gain publicity as children falling into borewells used to be a news sensation, but these days, both Rakhi and such incidents were out of news. While the government is thankful to Rakhi for deviating the people’s attention from their work, the media personalities like Vijay Malya have criticized this saying that this was the only time they were getting to be in news “with their own face”!

Reportedly, Poonam Pandey has termed this whole thing as a “deep” publicity stunt and has also said that she will strip if Rakhi Sawant is left in the Borewell for 2-3 days more.
Incidentally, the long-time out of news person “RamGopal Verma” has also tried to cash out the moment for his publicity and has declared to take Rakhi Sawant in his next movie as a lead heroine if she comes out within 2 days.

While the whole country is looking for something to talk about every day, lets thank these fame crazy people as they atleast make us laugh!

Hello all… oh yeah, I am back with a little more crappy stuff…

“I’ve been really busy lately, all the time, couldn’t even get time to have lunch properly…
You see first I have to update my morning status on Facebook, then the daily wall photo that I upload.. And yesterday, the projector caught fire in the class while our teacher was telling us something, so I had to update that too… What a hectic schedule right!!!”
That wasn’t me, that was any normal guy you’ll see today… harsh but true, our youth is really influenced by this social networking these days.

Long time ago I heard that joke where the priest asks the bride is she’s friends on Facebook with the groom and then declares them man and wife and says “now you may poke the bride… And hey, tag me in the pictures”. That time I laughed because it was funny, now I laugh coz I guess soon it will be true. And so will be the joke where the father tells his son the love story of him and his wife, and starts with “it all started with a poke”

A few years back, it was Orkut and MySpace and kids thought they were trendy… but then a guy who btw was pissed off with his girlfriend got drunk and made this social disaster err.. revolution..!
If we look at the stats, Facebook has around 800 million (i.e. 80 crore) users and on an average, every user has 130 friends (I wonder if average people in real life even know that many)
talking about the not-so-micro blogging site, Twitter, it is accessed by a 360 million people and an average of 55 million tweets are sent every day.
We all believe Eminem is the best rapper and some even like Justin beiber (I said some!!), why is it? Well a simple reason given by a person who hasn’t listened to both is, both have around 40 million fans on Facebook!!!

I remember when a friend of mine said this, “Initially it was a way to find your old friends, then it became a way to remain in touch with your current friends, now it’s becoming a way to improve your business, love life, friendship etc etc, and soon it will become a way to live life.”

Seeing the trends, I don’t see that time far when we’ll see diseases like ASDOUF (A Syndrome Due to Over Use of Facebook) and ATS (Acute Twitter Syndrome) would be a bigger problem than AIDS.

It’s not that I don’t like those websites, infact these websites are now the biggest way to spread viral messages for constructive use… but now I think about those two things once some big people said

“Social networking sites do keep people updated, but I would have liked it better if DoorDarshan did that job”

And

“if we make an event on Facebook to kill kasab publically, will he kill himself or will it bother the govt.?”

Frankly, the first one is right and the answer to second one is NO!!! When the govt. isn’t bothered by famous spokespersons and newspaper articles, what is Facebook gonna do to them.
Here is why I think Social Networking is spreading speedily
These days every company has their Facebook/myspace page and a twitter profile to keep the fans updated… many companies check the Facebook and linkedIn profile of a person before recruiting him/her as an employee… having an email id is just as necessary as getting a small pox vaccine when you’re born… success of a venture highly depends on your page popularity… even in general youth, the person who gets the most likes on his status and profile picture is considered famous. From books to hooks, from brands to friends, you can buy anything to everything on Facebook!

Now that google Plus is here, people who felt like real dudes while playing call of duty, remember their old days as they play Mario and angry birds!!
So if these things have a positive effect on people and economy, there are other effects as well… for example, every child now wishes to be thirteen plus coz then he/she will have a legal fb profile. Kids from 10th class feel proud when their status “maths sucks” is liked by 10 people (who might be in 9th as well.)… there were days when true relationships and friendships used to exist, but now people confuse them with Facebook comments…  while people who spend 10 hours daily on fb think they are lucky (while they actually the most lonely ones), Deactivating the FB profile means a blunder has happened in your life!!

Social NetworkingI just happened to remember this joke with which I would like to end this one, girl says to guy, “I love you” and guy starts running… when asked why, he says “I need to update my relationship status on Facebook” !

So it’s upto you, social networking is just like salt, important and tastes good when limited… overuse is harmful!



Hi all. Yes Yes.. I know you all have been waiting for me to give you the pearls of my knowledge on this topic. Believe me, I was more desperate than you to do the same, it’s just that I had so much to write about our government, I didn’t get time for it. But now our govt. has asked me to stop doing it (now I am also a proud owner of a Swiss bank account!) So let’s continue with your guide to dating.

A lot of people ask me, what exactly a date means. What do we do when we go on a first date, and what should be the exact steps to follow. So I have made this simple step by step guide for people going on a date first time (And basically last time if u actually think of following this)
Remember, this is going to be long, but you’ll not be bored 😛

1.)    Getting a date

Don’t be desperate and frustrated, unless you’re an engineer!
First things first, who are you? A guy? Or a girl? If you’re a guy, be bold, confident, forward, fit, elegant, nicely dressed and supremely talented and then you might get a date. If you’re a girl, congrats… you don’t need anything, let’s go to step two.

2.)    Once you’ve asked her out/ have been asked out by him
What!! You’re a girl and you asked him out!! You’re lame and he’s gay… get out!
Now the other 99.983 % people who are still here, once you’re good to go, decide a place to meet.

Where you can go– Café/ bar/ lounge/ restaurant/Parks and well.. the weird library near my house (I always see couples going in there!)

Where you can’t go – Her house/ his house / your uncle’s house/anyone’s house and don’t even dare going around some place where shiv sena people have been spotted earlier… they are a pain in the ass (I mean literally!!!)

3.)    What to wear

It’s a painful task to decide what to wear. You should not wear something which never reflects your personality because that would be lame. Guys can wear simple shirts and trousers or full sleeve shirts tucked in jeans. For a difference, try wearing goggles that salman used in dabbang and the overalls barney Stinson once wore!

Girls can wear anything, guys never really concentrate unless you show off something other than your fingernails.

4.)    Once u’re in!
Now that you two are together, it’s a point where you need to know more about the person. You know to see if you can date him/her in future as well. But First, order something you moron, it’s not a personal interview.
Once you’ve ordered,
Guys, start with basics… for example, “Hey do you know who wrote Julius Caesar?” if she answers that, leave it, she’s too smart for you, finish your cappuccino and get the hell outta there.
Girls, you can ask anything related to your friends, like “Hey, have you heard what jyoti did yesterday”… if he answers that correctly, whoa, u got a girl in a guy mask sitting there with you, get rid fast!

5.)    Building the conversation.

Now that you know what to talk
Guys, ask something different and common, like “u remember our national bird” and give a little pause… If she senses that you’re stuck and says pigeon or parrot, kudos! U got a bimbo sitting around! Remember, she won’t even know anything about VAT and service tax, a little skill and u can get her to pay the bill. (Did u notice that rhymed!)
Girls, you can show him four fingers and ask him how many, if he answers anything other than four, either he’s crazy or you’re crazy!
Next up, if he/she has passed all these tests,

What to talk about — friends, movies , Relationships, songs, football and my blog
What not to talk about – girlfriends, Tamil movies, your own relationships, Justin Beiber songs, chelsea and well, this article on my blog!

Now if you’ve read The Facebook dude, you must know this, if she says she loves ET, Star track or any other space movie,
MARRY HER!!!!! And if she knows any footballer other than Messi and Ronaldo, Propose her right away!!!
Also, if the girl says she likes rock music, first check that if she is actually a girl or not, once you’re sure, MARRY HER!!!!!

6.)    I am finished with things I ordered, what next!
Simple, ask for the bill and a breezer (if u’re in a bar). Now when the bill comes,
Guys, Just give her a little look, so that she can insist on paying the bill… she asks for two times, then let her pay, you’re a moron if you’re still paying! And yes, save the breezer.
Girls, remember he’s a guy and he’s supposed to pay. But also remember, since I am famous, he has read the above line and will look at you, so beware of that killing look which is gonna get u to spend 4-500 bucks unnecessarily.

7.)    Gift!!
This one is basically for guys, as girls aren’t supposed to gift anything on first dates (Only if I knew that on mine!!)
What you can do is to buy something that she likes, wait, she is a girl, she’ll like everything expensive… so are you ready for that? Don’t answer, I know you’re not.
But remember that little baby hugging a small girl on a ship, yes the same showpiece your mom got as a gift on her 42nd b’day, that’s not laying eggs at your home, the only reason it was manufactured was that you could give it to someone else. Carry on the tradition!

8.)    Bill paid, talked.. now what!

Now this is the tricky part, at this point, guys need to take deep breaths, in order to make sure that the date actually went this far even when you’re a filthy loser who follows a blog guide to dating!
And girls, well what can I say, if girls can get 43 likes and 123 comments on their “good morning” status so they can do anything!
Now it’s time for the last talks and to give a finishing touch to your date.

So you liked her? Tell her, it was nice, will love to do it again.
And if you didn’t, just praise the weather, tell her how much you like the smile of her roommate and you’re done.

Girls, if u liked him.. Wait!!! You liked him? Really? You have many options, India only has 900 girls on every thousand boys, and the rest hundred would do anything for you! Think again!
If u didn’t, boy!!! This is gonna be tough, getting rid of a guy who spent around 1000 bucks on you while he could have bought a brand new FIFA cd!!! All the best!

You know last time that happened to me, I snatched the girl’s purse and ran away!

9.)    Getting back
Guys, Remember the breezer you ordered, time to enjoy that while you sit on a lonely chair in your room in front of your computer as you watch some b-grade movie! C’mon You just enjoyed a date that couldn’t go worse!
And yes, Girls, you don’t have to think much, just reply a smiley to the guy who messaged you the other day, you have another free outing ready for tomorrow, and be careful, don’t send a heart or you might just kill a poor soul.

If you’ve successfully (rather unsuccessfully) followed these 9 steps, contact me, I really want to see that sign of frustration on your face!  And remember, going on a date these days is more important than having a 9 page resume.

So the next time you go on a date, even if you don’t follow the 9 points, follow this opposite of the one thing which people always say, “Just Don’t be yourself!”  Coz once you are being yourself, you won’t need the 9 points to spoil your date. 😉

PS: a few puns were inspired from a famous comic duo i know, so thank you link 😛

According to our not-so-trusted sources, it’s a popular news in the country that our Planning commission ministers will be trying their luck in a new TV show named “32 se kam”. It’s a reality show based on the concept that they have to survive an entire week without spending more than Rs 32 a day.

Our efficient reporters were able to dig up more on this. The action is reportedly said to be taken after the great “Tendulkar Report” of the planning commission that People in urban areas who spend more than Rs. 32 a day will not be considered poor. According to the makers of the show, “It was really interesting to know that our leaders think that a common man can survive by just spending Rs. 32 a day which includes his daily requirements of Water, Electricity, Clothing and food!

In the show, the ministers will be fighting each other out to spend the least. Winner will be declared after the week after calculating the expanses of every minister. There are certain guidelines to them as per the report, like, they can’t spend more than Rs 5.5 per day on cereals which certainly deprives  them of  buying 100 grams of good quality rice and half a kg edible wheat flour.  They also won’t be spending more than Rs 2.3 on milk hence not even getting a proper toned milk which costs Rs 5-6 per 100 ml these days.

Reportedly, Warm up cum Preliminary round was taken up by the ministers of planning commission to see if they qualify for the competition. Though Most of them faced utter difficulties while coping up with the budget restriction, none of them showed it on his face thanks to their superb expression control, which might be because of their expression change in front of the voters.

Montek singh ahluwalia himself was eliminated from the competition after he was seen buying a banana which costs more than 44 paise. Shri Ashwini kumar faced elimination because he drank a Cup of coffee which contained sugar that apparently costs more than 70 paise.

Other ministers like A Raja, Suresh Kalmadi were also given wild card entries in the competition.
On detailed questioning, it was revealed that Raja gave a bribe of 32 crore to show that he can survive in 32 Rs a day while Kalmadi came in for free thanks to his name match with Suresh Tendulkar (Who by the way, is the Report incharge)

The supreme court seemed ok with the competition, according to officials, “We don’t have a problem with the competition…  it’s good that our ministers are trying.. it’s easy, that was the reason we approved the report. In fact even we want to take part in the competition, we are even thinking of taking the limit below Rs 30”

The producers of the show also cleared that the ministers won’t be allowed to spend more than Rs. 30 per month on health which is actually 30 paise more than what they have allowed for the common man. It should be noted that this means you will get to spend 99 paise per day on health though a Disprin costs more than Rs 1 !!
In other details, The ministers will also be given a 10 Rs note each to find a good footwear for the show.

According to the Latest BPL criteria given by the Tendulkar Committee report and followed by “32 se kam” Makers, the worst news related to the competition was that Dr Manmohan singh himself won’t be able to use his tube of Fair and Handsome cream which costs more than 30 Rs since he was allowed to spend only less than 29.6 per month on personal care.

Though the public was furious with the report but the decision of this competition has turned the tables and now they are eager to see what happens with all the ministers at the end of the week.

Now that the competition is about to start, we can only hope this might provide some sense to our ministers in the end.

Check this article on NTMN too 🙂
http://newsthatmattersnot.com/2011/09/new-reality-show-sawaal-32-ka-challenges-planning-commission-members-to-survive-on-rs-32-a-day.html

Hello all… yes I am back, from nowhere… I was hiding here only to catch some big news and review or fake it in my style… but damn this government knows me well!!! They decided not to give me anything new and did their usual things, i.e, increased petrol prices and kapil sibbal blabbered a little more about some other non-sense! So I thought let’s find something new and refreshing… and see what I stumbled upon! I got the list of the 11 participants trying their luck this year in BIG BOSS Season 5!! Hosted by two of our industry’s Macho-Men Sal-man and Sanjay!!  Though I still don’t have the names of remaining two… (You do know there are 13 contestants right? )

Ok so hold your breath, I have a complete detail of the participant including the views of everyone on his/her participation… remember… it’s a secret so feel free to tell anyone, it’s my blog after all!!

Bigg Boss

So the first participant who will be on his way to big boss is our very own Rahul Gandhi!
According to the producers “He’ll be attracting youth towards our program and won’t face a problem while having lunch with anyone, he has his experience in that area”
According to Rahul “the only problem I might face is regarding changing my diapers because mummy would not be there… I’ll try… <started crying>”
I Think  “He played very good against England, or wait… was that Rahul Dravid?”

Moving on to the next, we have a person from our very own cricket team Mahendra Singh Dhoni!
Producers Think “He has the abilities of leadership and knows how to handle defeat, well.. a little too much now”
According to dhoni “it will be nice to be locked In a home for 3-4 months… I couldn’t get a better place to hide since our return from England”
I Think “hey is he the same person who had an affair with deepika padukone??”

After Dhoni they needed someone from the fashion industry… so there goes the name.. Poooonammm pandeyyyy!
Producers Think “She is famous, people hate her so we love her”
According to poonam “I’ll strip publically if I win the show”
I think “plz hurry this time!!!”

That was gross!! Anyway, moving on to our fourth contestant, we got a very famous spokesperson here… hold your breath ladies and gentlemen… Digvijay Singh!
Producers Think “After rakhi sawant in season 1 and dolly bindra in season 4 we could not get a better bakbak machine than Mr. Digvijay Singh”
According to Digvijay “I really like this gesture, I am against lokpal, I love soniya ji, I like saying 200 words per minute, I think terrorist attacks cannot be controlled…. <And he fainted after we made him smell chloroform>
I Think  “With him being in big boss, I wonder if salman will get a chance to speak!!”

Now it’s time to welcome our contestant number 5… he likes saying this “I am neal, I am the man, RockStar… SuperStar!!!” Not to mention he likes lying as well… I know you’re having a hard time recoginising him… that’s Uday Chopra my dear fellas..!
Producers Think “His father promised us to finance the whole show if we take him”
According to Uday “…” (he was too happy to say anything)
I Think  “what can I say! I loved his dhoom movies… he was better than abhishek atleast!!”

When I talk about contestant number 6, I want all of you to look around and make sure no one’s there coz you might get kissed… YES ladies and lay’Das’, I am talking about Emran Hashmi!
Producers Think “A tinge of adult content is the theme of our show..”
According to emran “ummmmuahhhhh…” (our reporter went missing after that)
I Think  “I wonder after emran enters the show, the announcements will be like ‘Big Boss chahte hai k emran unhe chhod k kisi ladki ko pakde’!”

Now moving towards the contestant number 7… here we have the Bollywood industry icon KARAN JOHAR !
Producers Think <Serious> “We always have a gay contestant”
According to Karan <Ecstatic> “They always have a gay contestant”
I Think  <Sigh!> “They always have a gay contestant”

As the rules clearly state, they have a contestant very low profile and less known to public… As contestant number 8 this time Dr. Manmohan Singh is chosen for the job.
Producers Think “Soniya ji gave him permission to leave the PM’s chair for 4 months and he fits our guidelines for remaining quite all the time”
According to Manmohan “When I came to know Rahul baba is taking part I thought ‘Who will change his diapers now!’ so I needed to go there <then he kept quiet for an hour>”
I Think  “…” <I was too busy admiring Manmohan ji’s adorable words, seldom we hear them>

Now with have come to the point we need to disclose the name of our most awaited contestant… yess… none other than KRK…
what!! you don’t know him… go rot in hell! Kamal R Khan is the biggest superstar of the century… was a part of Big Boss 3 too…
He didn’t let me or the producers speak…
According to KRK “KRK itna chhota star nahi hai k ek season se man jaye… I’ll come again and again”

Time for our 10th contestant… without further ado I present.. Baba Ramdev !!
Producers Think “Yoga, politics, singing, lap dancing, winking, stand up comedy, kapalbhati! He is a complete package”
According to Baba “Karne se hoga! Mai big boss se nahi darta… use bhi pranayama karwaunga” <He winked twice at our interviewer>
I think ”
And now last but not the least… as I don’t have the names of next two, I present to you, contestant number 11… Anu Malik!!
Producers Think “He made our theme song for free.. though we realized that it was stolen from a mediocre Hollywood movie after paying him”
According to Anu “Mai apne andaz me kahna chahunga… Barish hui chham chham… India me fat gaya bam… aur big boss me aa gaye hum!” <the interviewer was admitted to icu immediately>
I Think  “I needed a reason not to watch the show!”

I am done with my 11… I would love it if u suggest me the names of the rest two in the same way I did..

Back to reality…
So this is it… the 13 losers coming to Big Boss and make a show with all the bad traits one of the biggest hits of country… Yeah that’s a fact…  a show that we all criticize and a show, we all know is for losers… a place where the so called “Celebrities” live together just to bitch about each other ,fall in controversies, show obscene content and to fight like weirdos and tell the world what kind of crap we can serve to our viewers and still, it’s one of the biggest TRP gainers of our country… I just tried telling how lame and malignant such shows are and we need to change such things… and on the same time the people I suggested are nothing but a question mark on the deferential position of our country in the world… With my previous articles like Sansani not so funny  and Indian Democrazzy I  have tried to convey the same thing… this time I tried to widen the scope…
hope u liked it..

If not, even then suggest me two names for this season of big boss the same way I did for the 11… let’s see what you got 😉

And thus it all ends!

 

 

Hello again friends..
Still can’t believe i got such an amazing response on Preeto Part Two, thanks for that 🙂
Maximum likes till date on my blog posts and still counting.. so with this post i bring an end to the Preeto Trilogy and well.. my pathetic hindi kavitas 😛
If you’re new/lost, plz read Preeto part one and Preeto Part Two before you proceed..
and when you’re done, tell me if u liked it.. i know some pretty good psychiatrists 🙂
and yes.. this one is not that funny (actually not at all funny), i just had to put an end to it.. and thanks again.. my blog visiter counter hit 1000 yesterday 🙂

Go..

Kahani hai ye us din ki jab shuru hui meri barbadi..
Hu mai wo badnaseeb jis se hui thi Preeto ki shadi..
Khush aise hua tha jaise mil gaya mujhe mera pyar..
Aise laga tha jaise lakhon khushiyan ghar aai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Dekhta tha use roz use ghar se nikalte..
Kai bar aankh mari use maine chalte chalte..
Lagta tha jaise marti thi wo mujhpe..
Uske bap se fir kah k maine shadi ki bat chalai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Chakkar tha kisi lalluchand k sath uska..
Wo bechara isi k gham me is duniya se khiska..
Mujhe kya pata tha kya chakkar hai is kahani k peechhe..
Tab bhi na samjha jab iske khunkhar bap ne kara di iski sagai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Mujhe laga waqt hai kharab par karte hai hum pyar..
Bhag jate hai sath chhod k dukan aur ghar bar..
Lagta tha basayenge kahin aur apna aashiyana..
Isi chudail chakkar me kar li ikatthi apni sari kamai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Bhag gaye jo ghar se, socha karenge koi kam..
Dhoond nhi payega bap hume iska, janta kaun hai humara nam..
Mujhe nahi pata tha karti thi bap ko call wo roz..
Maine to khareeda ghar aur FD bhi iske nam karayi..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai…

Khushi khushi nikal rhe the din kat rahi thi raten..
Karta tha kam mai usse sawal, puchi nhi purani koi baten..
Lagta tha niklegi aise hi zindagi..
Kya pata tha man me us dayan ne koi aur hi chal chalai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Pahucha jab bal katke apne ghar ek din..
Soona sa laga ghar mujhe us preeto k bin..
Gaur se dekha to saaf ho gya tha sab kuch..
Kyu ki thi usne mujh se shadi ab bat meri samajh aayi..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Paise to door chhodi nahi usne ek thali..
Kar gayi wo bandit queen mera poora ghar khali..
Socha karu police me report aur bhagu apne shahar..
Par us kameeni ne meri FD bhi bank se tudwai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Pahucha jaise taise m apne shahar mila uske bap ko..
Dekhke mujhe bola wo kameena, pahchana nahi mai aapko..
Maine lagaya thappad aur diya ek ghoosa..
Bola sale dekh gaur se mai hu tera jawai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Barbad kiya kitno ko tumne jaise ho ye koi khel..
Le kar aaya hu m police, karwaunga sab ko jail..
Wo to mil gaya ab dhundna tha us preeto ko..
Lagaya inaam 50000 ka tabhi wo preeto hath aayi..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Sab pahuche andar ab ho gaya tha insaaf..
Par meri tarah us preeto ne kiye the kitno k ghar saf..
Kholi maine dukan apni fir se par man me tha dard kahin..
Ab to dekh k mujhe hansta h wo pados ka sand halwai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Mile ab koi bhi par preeto thi kuch khas..
Par us lalluchand ki tarah mera bhi ab pyar se uth gaya vishwas..
Pata h mujhe kavita ho gayi boring par thi ye dukhbhari kahani..
Us preeto k chakkar me barbad ho gayi meri jawani..
Fir bhi karta hu khatam ise yahin, maf karna jo aapne comedy ki aas lagai..
Par han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..!!!

thanks for reading.. your appreciation to preeto part one and two was phenomenal, plz cope up with part three 😛
Cheers!

Hello again..
Last time I promised that was gonna be my first and only hindi kavita.. but people gave such an amazing response and made preeto the next famous thing after sheila and munni! so i thought, why not come up with preeto part two — kahani lalluchand ki!
this is not as good as last one (coz wo natural thi and ye forced hai) but still, i have tried to remain as senseless as i can..
This time again i have tried to maintain same rhyme scheme..

read and don’t have fun, and if u do.. go see a psychiatrist 🙂

pichhli bar suni thi kahani tumne preeto k bap se..
jhooth bolne wale us aastin k sanp se..
is bar apni aapbeeti sunane mai hu aaya..
k meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

bat thi college ki jab m karta tha bunk..
wo aati thi paidal to mere pas kaunsi thi koi hunk..
college ka har dusra ladka tha use ghumata..
kya hua jo ek din mai bhi ghuma laya..
par meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

kabhi le gaya use yahan, kabhi le gaya use wahan..
kamini kitna kharcha karati thi, jati thi jane kahan kahan..
bapu ki shirt se paise churata tha mai to kabhi padosi ko choona lagata tha mai..
kai bar to 500 rupaiyye ka sirf pizza akele us bhooki ne khaya..
fir bhi meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

jab bhi milta tha usse, lagta tha jaise mil gaye do dil..
par use nhi thi fursat, kabhi chalo bandra to kabhi antop hill..
uske liye khareedni padi thi gadi nayi..
use kya pata udhar us chudail k liye kahan kahan se mangwaya..
tab bhi meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

mil mil k us se badal gayi mere haal..
par ye sab to thi uske lutere gharwalo ki koi chaal..
bap tha uska chor, bhai bhi rhte the jail me…
ye sab mai waqt pe nahi pata karwaya..
meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

gaya mai uske ghar bat karne apni shadi ki..
kar aaya bat anjaane me apni barbadi ki..
bap ne rakh di mang 1 lakh ki, bola shadi hogi jab paisa milega..
mai bhi josh me paise dene ka vada kar aaya..
kya kahu mai apni preeto ko nahi pata paya..!!

sharmate hue dekha usne mujhe, maine bat kari uske bhai se..
kya tha mujhe pata k chakkar chala h uska pados k nai se..
laga tha mai to paiso ka intazam karne me..
manga dosto se paisa, bap ki tijori tak kari safaya..
us dayan preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

bhag gayi wo ghar se, bap uska mere samne roya..
laga mujhe jaise galti nahi h uski, sambhala maine use, kameena mere hi ghar pe soya..
laga jaise kismat me likha tha yahi..
par fir mere hi bap ne mujhe pitwaya..
aur meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

bacha nahi zyada kuch kahne ko, yahi thi meri kahani..
us ek bholi si ladki ne yad dila di mujhe nani..
vishwas uth gaya hai lalluchand ka ab pyar se..
pyar kar k mai bahut pachtaya..
meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya!!
meri preeto ko mai nhi pata paya!!!!