Archive for the ‘News Parody’ Category

Disclaimer: This is just a representation with no spoilers. The BJP, Congress, AAP and obviously, Game of thrones Fanboys need to read this thing in the right spirit. 

The game of thrones was not new. For decades the songs of the heroics of the brave knights and minds of the smart courtmen were sung. But this time, there was something different, for the throne had never been challenged by so many at once and ruled by someone from a distance.

On one hand, there was The House Bhajpinals, known to give birth to strugglers. The mighty and ferocious warriors who could not stand anything against their religion and clan. Their integrity had been put to various tests but no one in the seven hells could dare to challenge them in their own turf.
On the other hand there was House Gandhions. The family of the royals who had ruled the iron throne for centuries. They were tacticians and strategists. They had a thousand qualities but war skills was not one of them. They were filthy rich and gifted treasurers. Some say that their blood wasn’t pure and that criminals and saints were equally treated in the house. But the world had admired their justice and the equality for one and all.

 

The two houses were the most powerful of the seven, with each having support from Houses across the lands. Their army extended to millions but they never went to war. The Bhajpinals were all always too old to challenge the rulers called Gandhions, the so called protectors of the realm.
Far across the capital, and thousands of miles away from the north lived the House Krejinwal. They were more of a group than a house as history barely had an account of them. The word was that there was no king but all rebels in the house. Some from the north and some from the down south. Some who used to be royal messengers and some who were arch enemies of the mighty Bhajpinals. They were peasants and artisans, knights and khals.
For years the throne was unchallenged, ruled by generations of wise treasurers who pressed all the rebellions and treasons in the territory. But this time the Bhajpinals had power. And more than power, it was the hate and anger in the people for the Gandhions they wanted to use. They had done it before once. The famous general Atalia who had beaten their queen in a battle of sword to claim the throne for a short lived term, was an inspiration to Ser Namo, who was prepared with an army of a hundred million to march upon the capital and reclaim the throne. This time the word was spread to a hundred small kingdoms and out came all to support.

Image courtesy: Indiatimes.

 

The Queen had a prince now. King Ra was no less when it came to decision making. He was just poor with words. But he had the support of the powerful houses like House Rajedian and House Basapians in his favor. The greedy and opportunistic generals of the small houses were taken aback by the sudden March of Ser Namo towards their empires. But the queen had something else in mind. She stood quiet as their mutual enemy, the glorious warrior, Arava of the house Krejinwal, saw the power in Namo and decided to challenge him for a battle; a battle so fierce that it would melt glaciers across the seven seas and keep the winters away for a decade.

The Queen’s plans were great, but the prince’s words backfired and Arava challenged both the houses in the capital and with almost no resources and men, managed to win the first of the many classic wars. He beat Lady Shilaka herself who was known to have served the Gandhions for decades. The Gandhions and Bhajpinals knew that Arava had no power but seeing the rebellious nature they feared their own people might turn against them. They saw Arava’s win as a harbinger for an early storm, fighting which they couldn’t risk as that could mean decline of six houses at once and rise of the people. Namo was kind to people, they loved him and we’re awestruck by his rule in the small city of Gajara. The war was inevitable and the rules were clear. 

The throne was up for the one who had the heart of gold and fists of iron. With malignancy and corruption blinding the capital, a reform was needed. The Prince was coming back to senses but even he knew it was too late. His own generals had lost their respect and power. And then came the day. Namo went out with full vigour and fought Arava in a dual and sent his best man to fight the Queen and the prince. The war went for a month and there was blood all over. People were killed and swords were yielded.

And then, as the sun was about to settle in the west and as the day struck the dusk hour, Namo defeated Arava. He didn’t kill him but left him out to starve. Arava was a fighter who could use that chance but not now. The Gandhions lost everywhere to the Bhajpinals or even their minimalistic generals with barely any power in their hands. The Queen and Prince who won their duals were also captured to be humiliated in open court as the Bhajpinals claim their throne and Namo sets out on his journey to rule the seven kingdoms.

As the houses continue to rule their regions, the Bhajpinals call on the war and win some of other houses’ regions too. Arava waits for the chance to strike back as he knows that the Queen is too weak and the prince, not invincible after all. He has four of his knights in the capital to keep a watch as he prepares for an even bigger war. A war that will go on years and a war so big that birds will sing of its glory for centuries to come.

And Namo begins his rule in the capital with all the ambitious plans in mind. No matter who wins, this Game of Thrones goes on to be unpredictably interesting.

Hello Everyone, Here is something as a gift for all of you. A post on the very first day of the new year. Read it and blame yourself for reading it later.

Just like every other year, this one has also gone away into history. But 2011 did make a lot of differences in many lives. We lost some (Jagjit Singh, Shammi Kapoor, Steve Jobs, Dev Anand, Dennis Ritchie), while some arrived into the world (Aishwarya’s daughter and 50 million other kids). We saw big things (Anna’s fast) and some small things (Ra.One’s cast).

But just like every other year, we are left with the same hopes (and the same failed government). Though it’s just a matter of one digit—2011 to 2012—which won’t change anything, but there’s one thing that we can always expect the next year to be better in. NEWS! Seeing the trends 2011 is leaving us with, here is something I think, can become the news of 2012.
Let’s start with the Hero of 2011. Anna Hazare is the obvious choice. If you don’t vote for Poonam Pandey as the Heroine of 2011, she can readily strip for you and your views will change. So now there’s high probability that the hero and heroine will join together in 2012 to do, well, whatever they do! While Anna performs his fasting, PP could strip so that the Anna fans do not get bored!

Seeing the popularity of Sharad Pawar since he was slapped, I think it’s high time, the PM should declare ‘Slapping’ as the National Action. Who knows, we might see the National Slap Day being observed, where politicians volunteer to be slapped and get Facebook promotions in return!

Another super popular thing this year was Kolaveri. Seeing the popularity, some underrated soul might use it for their fame. Don’t tell anyone but our secret sources report that Manmohan Singh is planning to sing the silent version of Kolaveri Di, to be released on his birthday next year.

Abhishek and Aishwarya were blessed with a baby girl this year. And I don’t see either of them having any work these days. So don’t be surprised to see a little Abhishek next year. After all idea 3G can’t help round the year!  😉

The biggest question 2011 is leaving us with is Sachin’s 100th century. And the way he has played, I guess in 2012, he will surely hit a hundred (of nervous nineties)! (No offence to Sachin fans, even I am one)

Bollywood might see some big things next year. Mahesh Bhatt has already signed Sunny Leone for his next movie. Bored by usual ways of promotion, he has decided to do in public, what Sunny will do in a movie. So the public will now get to see Mahesh Bhatt doing the same things he does on TV: shirtless!

"Should I go shirtless?"

"Should I go shirtless?"

The Bharat Ratna will also be another much discussed thing the next year since it is now open to sportspersons. Now that sportsmen can get it, I think Vinod Kambli will be its first recipient in 2012. Oh c’mon, the guy speaks the truth and he has played cricket if you remember! (Tell me you do!)

Next year, we’ll also see the Swayamvar of Veena Malik. Any guesses on who is the unlucky one to be her would-be? Well, The bug has the answer for you. News is that our unmarried former Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee would be going to try his luck, not because he likes her, but he wants Indo-Pak harmony.

Next year we’ll also see some big developments in other sports of India. Since we’ll be seeing the London Olympics, the government is going to buy new hockey sticks for the players and they promise none of them will be broken this time. Reports also say that our athletes might get a new track to practise. (The Government didn’t want the Janpath to be crowded by practising racers!)

As for the last and the best news, the biggest trend of 2012 is going to be the one and only RAJINIKANTH! As he is the one who will save the world on the Doomsday!

Well, we’re done with what is going to be the NEWS of 2012. We all have seen a lot this year, and on a serious note, I wish this year we can see better governance and a few stable policies. Please don’t say you laughed more on this point!

Oh yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR 🙂

Happy New Year

 

PS: You can also see the post on NTMN.

Why this kolaveri kolaveri di!!! Everyone was busy singing the song, while some ignorant poor souls were searching about sunny Leone videos on Google, a few are still busy celebrating India’s victory in tests while the rest are yet to decide what to talk about. And the remaining was done by sharad pawar!!!

So to give you all something new to discuss about, Rakhi Sawant has now jumped into a borewell. The news reportedly came Sunday evening when our editor was downloading the kolaveri song from YouTube.

The reason of this whole incidence was already made clear by Rakhi in a letter she left before jumping. The letter was, “Among all these things, no one noticed that the usual Indian headlines are lost somewhere. No one is talking about Manmohan Singh’s silence or the increasing petrol prices, and what about RAKHI SAWANT!!!! I am the star item girl of the country, even a kiss I gave used to be breaking news.” 

Rakhi

 The police and fire brigade were immediately rushed to the spot and a video camera was thrown inside to keep a watch on what’s happening inside the bore well. According to the sources, govt. is not allowing public to see the video feed, it will be given on a chargeable basis instead. As there was very little room for throwing anything inside, she was asked if she wanted to eat, in reply to which, she asked for a loud speaker and microphone so that she could speak to people and press. She also said she could live without eating for a day or two but having press on the spot was a necessity.

The reaction to this incident was mixed. The media thinks it was a smart move to gain publicity as children falling into borewells used to be a news sensation, but these days, both Rakhi and such incidents were out of news. While the government is thankful to Rakhi for deviating the people’s attention from their work, the media personalities like Vijay Malya have criticized this saying that this was the only time they were getting to be in news “with their own face”!

Reportedly, Poonam Pandey has termed this whole thing as a “deep” publicity stunt and has also said that she will strip if Rakhi Sawant is left in the Borewell for 2-3 days more.
Incidentally, the long-time out of news person “RamGopal Verma” has also tried to cash out the moment for his publicity and has declared to take Rakhi Sawant in his next movie as a lead heroine if she comes out within 2 days.

While the whole country is looking for something to talk about every day, lets thank these fame crazy people as they atleast make us laugh!

As the latest news in the country, it is now positive that the Indian Government will soon be launching a new product in the Indian market with a unique name “iStink”. The decision was reportedly taken after the failure of Sibbal’s effort of getting every indian an android tablet. Some also say that recent news about Steve Jobs compelled indian govt. to do something in this area. The government also thought this was a good way to reach out for people and make a move in the world of technology in which India has remained pretty low recently.

As the sources say, this product will be quite similar to the well-known iPhone 4s and will have all the features which younger generation wants. The USP of the phone is the Indian style in which it is made and the options inside. Apart from the music player, 1080p video and an 8 MP camera, the phone will offer a variety of superb options filled with excitement and knowledge about our government.


As the only genuine news reporter, we were given a special insight to the phone by the Honourable speaker herself. The phone, when switched on, started with the Italian national anthem, though we still don’t know why that happened. After the song was finished, the phone came to its normal mode. As a joke is getting very famous these days, the govt. also paid attention to that and has replaced the Silent mode option with the Manmohan mode.My favourite feature in the phone was the tabs. In the tabs you can find a “scams” tab under which all major/minor scams have been listed. This tab has three options, i.e, scams below 100 crores, scams above 100 crores and the 2G scam.  Among other specialities, the phone has a wall of fame which is available on one touch for quick reference. This wall of shame.. oh sorry.. wall of fame contains the bio of all famous people like Suresh Kalmadi, A. Raja, Sharad Pawar and Kanimozhi with full details including their financials.Another feature of the phone is the baby tunes, which will turn on a nursery rhyme on a single click closing all other applications. This feature was specially installed on demand by Rahul Gandhi as he might need that frequently. The phone has many apps as well, noticeable ones among them being, “WordoMeter” which will count the number of senseless words you said in a statement, though it came with a direction that Kapil Sibbal and Digvijay singh shouldn’t use it or the app might crash. For them, instead of WordoMeter, we’ll install “Weirdo-Meter”, said the phone makers.
There is another application called iSuck, made as a gift to the cricket team of India.

Being overwhelmed by the features, our reporters took feedbacks from the indian politicians about this revolutionary step by the Govt. and here are a few responses.

“I am ashamed that my name isn’t there in the wall of fame, I am the pioneer of scams in India and I’ll be back” said Laloo Prasad yadav.

While P. Chidambaram said that he was happy to see that Kasab was featured too in the HangMan application, “I am happy that Kasab is there in the HangMan app, we all know that’s not gonna happen in real so it’s a good way to keep people busy in thinking”

Rahul Gandhi immediately went to have dinner with the phone makers to appreciate them, while Manmohan Singh decided to remain silent over the matter.

Since the phone is still not released, we hope there will be a few changes before its launch, like we would love to have an application where we can dismiss the parliament and give public some more powers.
But overall, the phone gets a 10 on rating from us, as it has all the required info about the cons of our govt. (I wanted to say pros and cons but frankly, where are the pros?)
We wish some sensible politicians (If any left) might take it as a signal and do something so that iStink can be turned into iGlow and Steve Jobs’s soul would be proud of something that we dedicated to him.

PS: Now as the article has ended, i don’t know if you liked it or not, but i remember how our spokesperson wanted to sue the websites which make fun of indian govt. So this one is more out of frustration and anger and a kinda “in your face” article.
Then again, hope you enjoyed 😛

According to the latest news leaks by our very own Leaky-pedia, it is positively a confirm information that our country’s home minister, Dr. P Chidambaram will now be assisting the indian judiciary on how to “close matters” quickly. The decision was reportedly taken by the IPC after seeing the efficient and prompt decision making skills of the honorary minister in different matters recently. The judiciary seemed to be specifically impressed by his statement in the legendary press conference about the 2G scam, which included Pranab mukharjee too where P Chidambaram had stepped forward to say that the 2G scam was now a closed matter.

According to the respected judge S.H. Kapadia , “This decision was pending long way, we always wanted someone good enough to be with us and take responsibility of the weird decisions we’ve been taking. Now that Chidambaram is assisting us, I don’t think there’s gonna be any delay, seeing his present statements, I can say we’ll now always have the option of “Closing” the matter if decision can’t be taken!”

According to one other official in the Supreme Court, Shree Altamas Kabir, “Chidambaram fulfils all the requirements we had. He’s a master of law from the Cambridge university, he has direct contact with the real man of India, Sonia ji… and he has the ability to prove that the matters are closed.” “Take afzal guru’s matter for instance, we took so much time deciding what to do with the guy, and when we transferred the case to home ministry, what they decide is not to decide anything. The matter was so small according to them that they considered it closed.  Also, due to my personal contacts with Chidambaram, I know he wanted the Jessica Lal case to be closed too as the supreme court was too big to give a decision on such a small matter.”

According to our sources, Digvijay singh was seen partying at his house… when caught by us he agreed that he was happy with Chidambaram sir Ji to be assisting the judiciary. He said that terrorism in India has decreased in past years. Previously 100s were killed in a single blast and these days 10-20 are killed and frequency is doubled, so we do have a less number of deaths. This simple concept wasn’t getting into judiciary’s underdeveloped minds and Chidambaram bhaiya is the best person to “Close” the matter. He can always tell them that terrorism is out of question when we have bigger issues like Soniya madam’s cancer.

Noted jurist K K Venugopal said that this was surprising, but this decision will have some deep impacts. Now we can seek help from home ministry over matters like Maoists and the so called Terror attacks in Assam. As these matters are regionally restricted, I guess Chidambaram might consider them closed as well.

Finally when we got talking to our very own Dr. P Chidambaram himself, we came to know some very interesting points. According to him it was pretty clear that judiciary had to seek his help someday. There was a pretty slow speed of solving cases which actually weren’t “That important” and were being overrated. He said that next elections aren’t very far and we want to set an example as well as want to prove our quality in front of the public. We will still deal with bigger issues patiently, but frankly, I don’t see any.
Also that now he will be having powers to interfere, he will take personal classes of Indian judges on “How to Close matters” and will be getting ready himself for the next elections. Their main aim is to make a country free of malice and malevolence and if people don’t have cases to discuss upon, we’re pretty much done.

After all this drama, we just hope that the govt. might as well give the education department to Digvijay Singh who will even say that IITs and NITs are useless (After the great decision of scraping JEE by another minister). But even then, giving judicial powers to home ministry seems a revolutionary step. Who knows one day we’ll see the case of Rahul Gandhi’s cold and Soniya madam’s lost necklace being solved by the supreme court.

According to our not-so-trusted sources, it’s a popular news in the country that our Planning commission ministers will be trying their luck in a new TV show named “32 se kam”. It’s a reality show based on the concept that they have to survive an entire week without spending more than Rs 32 a day.

Our efficient reporters were able to dig up more on this. The action is reportedly said to be taken after the great “Tendulkar Report” of the planning commission that People in urban areas who spend more than Rs. 32 a day will not be considered poor. According to the makers of the show, “It was really interesting to know that our leaders think that a common man can survive by just spending Rs. 32 a day which includes his daily requirements of Water, Electricity, Clothing and food!

In the show, the ministers will be fighting each other out to spend the least. Winner will be declared after the week after calculating the expanses of every minister. There are certain guidelines to them as per the report, like, they can’t spend more than Rs 5.5 per day on cereals which certainly deprives  them of  buying 100 grams of good quality rice and half a kg edible wheat flour.  They also won’t be spending more than Rs 2.3 on milk hence not even getting a proper toned milk which costs Rs 5-6 per 100 ml these days.

Reportedly, Warm up cum Preliminary round was taken up by the ministers of planning commission to see if they qualify for the competition. Though Most of them faced utter difficulties while coping up with the budget restriction, none of them showed it on his face thanks to their superb expression control, which might be because of their expression change in front of the voters.

Montek singh ahluwalia himself was eliminated from the competition after he was seen buying a banana which costs more than 44 paise. Shri Ashwini kumar faced elimination because he drank a Cup of coffee which contained sugar that apparently costs more than 70 paise.

Other ministers like A Raja, Suresh Kalmadi were also given wild card entries in the competition.
On detailed questioning, it was revealed that Raja gave a bribe of 32 crore to show that he can survive in 32 Rs a day while Kalmadi came in for free thanks to his name match with Suresh Tendulkar (Who by the way, is the Report incharge)

The supreme court seemed ok with the competition, according to officials, “We don’t have a problem with the competition…  it’s good that our ministers are trying.. it’s easy, that was the reason we approved the report. In fact even we want to take part in the competition, we are even thinking of taking the limit below Rs 30”

The producers of the show also cleared that the ministers won’t be allowed to spend more than Rs. 30 per month on health which is actually 30 paise more than what they have allowed for the common man. It should be noted that this means you will get to spend 99 paise per day on health though a Disprin costs more than Rs 1 !!
In other details, The ministers will also be given a 10 Rs note each to find a good footwear for the show.

According to the Latest BPL criteria given by the Tendulkar Committee report and followed by “32 se kam” Makers, the worst news related to the competition was that Dr Manmohan singh himself won’t be able to use his tube of Fair and Handsome cream which costs more than 30 Rs since he was allowed to spend only less than 29.6 per month on personal care.

Though the public was furious with the report but the decision of this competition has turned the tables and now they are eager to see what happens with all the ministers at the end of the week.

Now that the competition is about to start, we can only hope this might provide some sense to our ministers in the end.

Check this article on NTMN too 🙂
http://newsthatmattersnot.com/2011/09/new-reality-show-sawaal-32-ka-challenges-planning-commission-members-to-survive-on-rs-32-a-day.html

Hello all… yes I am back, from nowhere… I was hiding here only to catch some big news and review or fake it in my style… but damn this government knows me well!!! They decided not to give me anything new and did their usual things, i.e, increased petrol prices and kapil sibbal blabbered a little more about some other non-sense! So I thought let’s find something new and refreshing… and see what I stumbled upon! I got the list of the 11 participants trying their luck this year in BIG BOSS Season 5!! Hosted by two of our industry’s Macho-Men Sal-man and Sanjay!!  Though I still don’t have the names of remaining two… (You do know there are 13 contestants right? )

Ok so hold your breath, I have a complete detail of the participant including the views of everyone on his/her participation… remember… it’s a secret so feel free to tell anyone, it’s my blog after all!!

Bigg Boss

So the first participant who will be on his way to big boss is our very own Rahul Gandhi!
According to the producers “He’ll be attracting youth towards our program and won’t face a problem while having lunch with anyone, he has his experience in that area”
According to Rahul “the only problem I might face is regarding changing my diapers because mummy would not be there… I’ll try… <started crying>”
I Think  “He played very good against England, or wait… was that Rahul Dravid?”

Moving on to the next, we have a person from our very own cricket team Mahendra Singh Dhoni!
Producers Think “He has the abilities of leadership and knows how to handle defeat, well.. a little too much now”
According to dhoni “it will be nice to be locked In a home for 3-4 months… I couldn’t get a better place to hide since our return from England”
I Think “hey is he the same person who had an affair with deepika padukone??”

After Dhoni they needed someone from the fashion industry… so there goes the name.. Poooonammm pandeyyyy!
Producers Think “She is famous, people hate her so we love her”
According to poonam “I’ll strip publically if I win the show”
I think “plz hurry this time!!!”

That was gross!! Anyway, moving on to our fourth contestant, we got a very famous spokesperson here… hold your breath ladies and gentlemen… Digvijay Singh!
Producers Think “After rakhi sawant in season 1 and dolly bindra in season 4 we could not get a better bakbak machine than Mr. Digvijay Singh”
According to Digvijay “I really like this gesture, I am against lokpal, I love soniya ji, I like saying 200 words per minute, I think terrorist attacks cannot be controlled…. <And he fainted after we made him smell chloroform>
I Think  “With him being in big boss, I wonder if salman will get a chance to speak!!”

Now it’s time to welcome our contestant number 5… he likes saying this “I am neal, I am the man, RockStar… SuperStar!!!” Not to mention he likes lying as well… I know you’re having a hard time recoginising him… that’s Uday Chopra my dear fellas..!
Producers Think “His father promised us to finance the whole show if we take him”
According to Uday “…” (he was too happy to say anything)
I Think  “what can I say! I loved his dhoom movies… he was better than abhishek atleast!!”

When I talk about contestant number 6, I want all of you to look around and make sure no one’s there coz you might get kissed… YES ladies and lay’Das’, I am talking about Emran Hashmi!
Producers Think “A tinge of adult content is the theme of our show..”
According to emran “ummmmuahhhhh…” (our reporter went missing after that)
I Think  “I wonder after emran enters the show, the announcements will be like ‘Big Boss chahte hai k emran unhe chhod k kisi ladki ko pakde’!”

Now moving towards the contestant number 7… here we have the Bollywood industry icon KARAN JOHAR !
Producers Think <Serious> “We always have a gay contestant”
According to Karan <Ecstatic> “They always have a gay contestant”
I Think  <Sigh!> “They always have a gay contestant”

As the rules clearly state, they have a contestant very low profile and less known to public… As contestant number 8 this time Dr. Manmohan Singh is chosen for the job.
Producers Think “Soniya ji gave him permission to leave the PM’s chair for 4 months and he fits our guidelines for remaining quite all the time”
According to Manmohan “When I came to know Rahul baba is taking part I thought ‘Who will change his diapers now!’ so I needed to go there <then he kept quiet for an hour>”
I Think  “…” <I was too busy admiring Manmohan ji’s adorable words, seldom we hear them>

Now with have come to the point we need to disclose the name of our most awaited contestant… yess… none other than KRK…
what!! you don’t know him… go rot in hell! Kamal R Khan is the biggest superstar of the century… was a part of Big Boss 3 too…
He didn’t let me or the producers speak…
According to KRK “KRK itna chhota star nahi hai k ek season se man jaye… I’ll come again and again”

Time for our 10th contestant… without further ado I present.. Baba Ramdev !!
Producers Think “Yoga, politics, singing, lap dancing, winking, stand up comedy, kapalbhati! He is a complete package”
According to Baba “Karne se hoga! Mai big boss se nahi darta… use bhi pranayama karwaunga” <He winked twice at our interviewer>
I think ”
And now last but not the least… as I don’t have the names of next two, I present to you, contestant number 11… Anu Malik!!
Producers Think “He made our theme song for free.. though we realized that it was stolen from a mediocre Hollywood movie after paying him”
According to Anu “Mai apne andaz me kahna chahunga… Barish hui chham chham… India me fat gaya bam… aur big boss me aa gaye hum!” <the interviewer was admitted to icu immediately>
I Think  “I needed a reason not to watch the show!”

I am done with my 11… I would love it if u suggest me the names of the rest two in the same way I did..

Back to reality…
So this is it… the 13 losers coming to Big Boss and make a show with all the bad traits one of the biggest hits of country… Yeah that’s a fact…  a show that we all criticize and a show, we all know is for losers… a place where the so called “Celebrities” live together just to bitch about each other ,fall in controversies, show obscene content and to fight like weirdos and tell the world what kind of crap we can serve to our viewers and still, it’s one of the biggest TRP gainers of our country… I just tried telling how lame and malignant such shows are and we need to change such things… and on the same time the people I suggested are nothing but a question mark on the deferential position of our country in the world… With my previous articles like Sansani not so funny  and Indian Democrazzy I  have tried to convey the same thing… this time I tried to widen the scope…
hope u liked it..

If not, even then suggest me two names for this season of big boss the same way I did for the 11… let’s see what you got 😉

The Movie Cum News

Hi… you know me right… why wouldn’t you!! You start your day with me, and most of you even end your day with me. Sometimes I make you happy and sometimes I am the reason of your sadness. Sometimes it’s just me and you… I am not your newspaper or TV! I am the news which you read in it.

There was a time when people used to read me from inner pages of newspaper and watch me other than prime time too! But now I am confined to front page and Page 3!
These days I have become monotonous, I find myself caged! I feel like people have forgotten what I used to look like. There was a time when people used to get excited when they heard I have arrived. There was a time when I used to be about different things. These days it’s just me and one hot trending topic. It’s like I am some person who doesn’t have his own house and keeps renting apartments… months get over and apartment changes, but I remain the same monotonous and not at all beneficial!
I remember those good old times when there was this one channel for me. Everyone watched that. I was so glad that I was given national importance. Only good people felt pride when I carried their name with me. I don’t know what changed with the course of time but I sure am not the same! Now it’s not a matter of pride to be named with me, but just another routine for some people. Good, bad, ugly, creepy, real, fake, talented, stupid, corrupts all kind of people are the same when it comes to me now. That one channel which glorified me, now even that refuses to mention me! People have made several homes for me now. U can see me everywhere and on tons of channels. But I am not what they show me.
I am news! I am about everything that happens near you. I am not a single trend, I am about the masses! I don’t wish to be about some superstar who can do every possible thing! I wish to be about someone who actually deserves to be a part of me.

I was happy when I first heard about anna hazare. Actually it brought a change in me, I was tired of talking about a cricket team losing all the time. But then what happened…

People forgot that there are other things in the world.
Sensex, my old time fellow which moved a million hearts with it all the time jumped up and down like crazies but no one gave a damn to it!
The losing team lost many more matches but no one cared!
The world champ usain bolt was disqualified from a race and no one seemed to know.
The famous indian tennis duo Bhupathi and Paes won a doubles title and anyone didn’t pay heed to that.

I remember how Wikileaks was once very important when I carried its name, it published so many new things but people weren’t bothered about it.
Everyone used to blabber so much about price hikes in Oil and Petrol… no one even knew when they raised it recently.
And above all, the MIG-21 used to be a big issue in India but when one of them crashed this month killing the pilot, I didn’t even hear a squeak !

All I want to say is that it’s good to support someone and to make that a news, but is it correct to just make that such a big issue that you turn deaf towards other topics which once used to have the same place? And on the same time you are giving importance to some weird girl getting some facelift and some idiot doing a fast just to gain fame (I am not talking about anna, he’s fine) or some crappy fellow doing his own swayamvar!

There were days when every issue had its own importance and people could pay attention to many things at a time. But now it’s like everything either has to be breaking news or nothing!
People sometimes say that most rape cases in India are in Delhi and U.P, I disagree to that… Most rape cases in India are on the TV channels where I am being raped daily! I am not what they show… I am a lot more than anna hazare and way more important than a swayamvar.
I am something that keeps you all aware and updated. Please don’t take me for granted. You need to understand my importance and give me a proper space. I am not only on the prime time on TV and not only on Front page and page 3! You can find me on other pages too…

I think I have said enough, hope you understood what I wanted to say… I might have got carried away at some point, kya karu… news hu na…! I don’t know how to express myself, I am generally expressed by some other reporters and newsreaders, not to mention I am being misinterpreted most of the time but I thought this was a high time to come forward and tell you all that I AM NEWS!! And I am A LOT MORE THAN ANNA!!!

Author’s note: –  Pardon the different title, I just matched it with the movie name coz I could not instil much humour in the article acc. to its genre.

On the occasion of the 64th Independence Day, the Govt. has decided to declare the whole week (15th – 21st ) as independence special week in India. Under the special arrangements made by the government for this week, the biggest one is Exclusive footage of Dr. manmohan singh. Other benefits include 1 paisa relaxation in petrol price and a 3 minute ban on Rakhi sawant speaking anything publically.

Back to the Footage part, According to our sources, in some of the video clips, Manmohan Singh is seen talking.  Reports also say that a video called “Dhamaka Video” will also be released by the centre in which PM has even said a few words to MADAM JI herself.

When our reporters asked our very (un)respected leaders about the matter, here’s what they said…

Digvijay singh: I know about the video. In fact I was the one who recorded one of those (he also showed us his new E7 phone). And about the Dhamaka video, well the public might just have to wait for it.

Sushma Swaraj: Pradhan mantri ji ki is karastani ka hume pahle se shak tha. In fact I also think that he had his opinion on the Mumbai blasts too, though we don’t have a proof yet.

Soniya Gandhi: this is all a conspiracy by foreign powers just to degrade the image of Manmohan Ji. Neither he has spoken and nor will he ever speak unless asked. She agreed to the independence special week celebrations but she also said that those celebrations were just to intensify her India-Return celebrations.

Rahul Gandhi: its more than a hoax this time. I smell something fishy here but I don’t think that any such videos will affect our public image. In fact a few that I have personally seen, will just add to it.

Sheila: I am too sexy for you, mai tere hath na aani!!! (that was her phone which rang before the interview could start and she found an escape)

Manmohan ji decided to remain silent over the whole issue.

The general public seems to be very excited about the video. According to an email by One of our readers, it would be really nice to see Manmohan ji speak on occasions other than 15th august and 26th jan.  After the famous Hrithik-Aishwarya kiss in Dhoom2, the Dhamaka video has become the most Awaited and unpredictable thing in our country.

Since this seems to be one of the very few steps of government which has pleased the general public, we are hopeful that release of these videos might also be a start of a new era where we’ll also see our leader speak (something awaited since the second last elections! )

According to not-so-trusted sources, it’s now widespread news that the English cricket board has decided to gift the fourth test match in the on-going series to the Indian cricket team.

The board president said “we have already won more than what we expected… while we are tired and all the players need some rest, we think Indian players have helped us in many ways to achieve this milestone and they also deserve a sympathy win”
He also expressed his wish of arranging a special test match for Sachin Tendulkar where they’ll allow underarm bowling and no more than 3 fielders will be there on the field at a time. He said “we really want Sachin to complete his 100th century… we’ve been talking to ICC to just grant him the 100th one in honour of his 99, but if that doesn’t happen then we’ll organize this test match for sure”

When asked that if there’s some other reason behind this gift, he told the media that they had observed signs of depression among the Indian players and they did not want them to just run away without playing as they still want to win the ODI series.

Acc. To the In-form bowler Broad, Indians really need some soothing and relaxing yoga sessions to realize their inner strengths. He said “I never had imagined that a person like Sehwag will refuse to face my bowls, and Raina would complain of chest pain as soon as he sees  me coming towards him”

On the same topic Cook also had an opinion… he said “I have always admired the way Indians have respected good batting. When I started playing well, they did not want to get me out. Gifting them the fourth test would be a nice way to show our gratitude”

Reports also say that one of the English players saw MS Dhoni crying in the bathroom while he was passing by.

When harbhajan was asked his opinion on all this, he said “I respect the decision of English board… personally I would say that they should gift us one of the ODI matches too since me and dhoni are not in very good terms and there are many chances that we’ll lose that anyways.”

While Raina refused to answer any of the questions on the matter, Sehwag said he could not hear us properly and even fainted once.

Acc to the same not-so-trusted sources, BCCI has reportedly agreed to the offer and has also decided to let them arrange a charity match with all indian players and stuart broad against them. The match has already gained fame in England with the tagline “how much time will they stay”

Now that only formalities are left, this is probably the only good thing that might come out of this tour.

Reporter shubham

For FAKING NEWS.