Posts Tagged ‘Sarcasm’



Hi all. Yes Yes.. I know you all have been waiting for me to give you the pearls of my knowledge on this topic. Believe me, I was more desperate than you to do the same, it’s just that I had so much to write about our government, I didn’t get time for it. But now our govt. has asked me to stop doing it (now I am also a proud owner of a Swiss bank account!) So let’s continue with your guide to dating.

A lot of people ask me, what exactly a date means. What do we do when we go on a first date, and what should be the exact steps to follow. So I have made this simple step by step guide for people going on a date first time (And basically last time if u actually think of following this)
Remember, this is going to be long, but you’ll not be bored 😛

1.)    Getting a date

Don’t be desperate and frustrated, unless you’re an engineer!
First things first, who are you? A guy? Or a girl? If you’re a guy, be bold, confident, forward, fit, elegant, nicely dressed and supremely talented and then you might get a date. If you’re a girl, congrats… you don’t need anything, let’s go to step two.

2.)    Once you’ve asked her out/ have been asked out by him
What!! You’re a girl and you asked him out!! You’re lame and he’s gay… get out!
Now the other 99.983 % people who are still here, once you’re good to go, decide a place to meet.

Where you can go– Café/ bar/ lounge/ restaurant/Parks and well.. the weird library near my house (I always see couples going in there!)

Where you can’t go – Her house/ his house / your uncle’s house/anyone’s house and don’t even dare going around some place where shiv sena people have been spotted earlier… they are a pain in the ass (I mean literally!!!)

3.)    What to wear

It’s a painful task to decide what to wear. You should not wear something which never reflects your personality because that would be lame. Guys can wear simple shirts and trousers or full sleeve shirts tucked in jeans. For a difference, try wearing goggles that salman used in dabbang and the overalls barney Stinson once wore!

Girls can wear anything, guys never really concentrate unless you show off something other than your fingernails.

4.)    Once u’re in!
Now that you two are together, it’s a point where you need to know more about the person. You know to see if you can date him/her in future as well. But First, order something you moron, it’s not a personal interview.
Once you’ve ordered,
Guys, start with basics… for example, “Hey do you know who wrote Julius Caesar?” if she answers that, leave it, she’s too smart for you, finish your cappuccino and get the hell outta there.
Girls, you can ask anything related to your friends, like “Hey, have you heard what jyoti did yesterday”… if he answers that correctly, whoa, u got a girl in a guy mask sitting there with you, get rid fast!

5.)    Building the conversation.

Now that you know what to talk
Guys, ask something different and common, like “u remember our national bird” and give a little pause… If she senses that you’re stuck and says pigeon or parrot, kudos! U got a bimbo sitting around! Remember, she won’t even know anything about VAT and service tax, a little skill and u can get her to pay the bill. (Did u notice that rhymed!)
Girls, you can show him four fingers and ask him how many, if he answers anything other than four, either he’s crazy or you’re crazy!
Next up, if he/she has passed all these tests,

What to talk about — friends, movies , Relationships, songs, football and my blog
What not to talk about – girlfriends, Tamil movies, your own relationships, Justin Beiber songs, chelsea and well, this article on my blog!

Now if you’ve read The Facebook dude, you must know this, if she says she loves ET, Star track or any other space movie,
MARRY HER!!!!! And if she knows any footballer other than Messi and Ronaldo, Propose her right away!!!
Also, if the girl says she likes rock music, first check that if she is actually a girl or not, once you’re sure, MARRY HER!!!!!

6.)    I am finished with things I ordered, what next!
Simple, ask for the bill and a breezer (if u’re in a bar). Now when the bill comes,
Guys, Just give her a little look, so that she can insist on paying the bill… she asks for two times, then let her pay, you’re a moron if you’re still paying! And yes, save the breezer.
Girls, remember he’s a guy and he’s supposed to pay. But also remember, since I am famous, he has read the above line and will look at you, so beware of that killing look which is gonna get u to spend 4-500 bucks unnecessarily.

7.)    Gift!!
This one is basically for guys, as girls aren’t supposed to gift anything on first dates (Only if I knew that on mine!!)
What you can do is to buy something that she likes, wait, she is a girl, she’ll like everything expensive… so are you ready for that? Don’t answer, I know you’re not.
But remember that little baby hugging a small girl on a ship, yes the same showpiece your mom got as a gift on her 42nd b’day, that’s not laying eggs at your home, the only reason it was manufactured was that you could give it to someone else. Carry on the tradition!

8.)    Bill paid, talked.. now what!

Now this is the tricky part, at this point, guys need to take deep breaths, in order to make sure that the date actually went this far even when you’re a filthy loser who follows a blog guide to dating!
And girls, well what can I say, if girls can get 43 likes and 123 comments on their “good morning” status so they can do anything!
Now it’s time for the last talks and to give a finishing touch to your date.

So you liked her? Tell her, it was nice, will love to do it again.
And if you didn’t, just praise the weather, tell her how much you like the smile of her roommate and you’re done.

Girls, if u liked him.. Wait!!! You liked him? Really? You have many options, India only has 900 girls on every thousand boys, and the rest hundred would do anything for you! Think again!
If u didn’t, boy!!! This is gonna be tough, getting rid of a guy who spent around 1000 bucks on you while he could have bought a brand new FIFA cd!!! All the best!

You know last time that happened to me, I snatched the girl’s purse and ran away!

9.)    Getting back
Guys, Remember the breezer you ordered, time to enjoy that while you sit on a lonely chair in your room in front of your computer as you watch some b-grade movie! C’mon You just enjoyed a date that couldn’t go worse!
And yes, Girls, you don’t have to think much, just reply a smiley to the guy who messaged you the other day, you have another free outing ready for tomorrow, and be careful, don’t send a heart or you might just kill a poor soul.

If you’ve successfully (rather unsuccessfully) followed these 9 steps, contact me, I really want to see that sign of frustration on your face!  And remember, going on a date these days is more important than having a 9 page resume.

So the next time you go on a date, even if you don’t follow the 9 points, follow this opposite of the one thing which people always say, “Just Don’t be yourself!”  Coz once you are being yourself, you won’t need the 9 points to spoil your date. 😉

PS: a few puns were inspired from a famous comic duo i know, so thank you link 😛

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As the latest news in the country, it is now positive that the Indian Government will soon be launching a new product in the Indian market with a unique name “iStink”. The decision was reportedly taken after the failure of Sibbal’s effort of getting every indian an android tablet. Some also say that recent news about Steve Jobs compelled indian govt. to do something in this area. The government also thought this was a good way to reach out for people and make a move in the world of technology in which India has remained pretty low recently.

As the sources say, this product will be quite similar to the well-known iPhone 4s and will have all the features which younger generation wants. The USP of the phone is the Indian style in which it is made and the options inside. Apart from the music player, 1080p video and an 8 MP camera, the phone will offer a variety of superb options filled with excitement and knowledge about our government.


As the only genuine news reporter, we were given a special insight to the phone by the Honourable speaker herself. The phone, when switched on, started with the Italian national anthem, though we still don’t know why that happened. After the song was finished, the phone came to its normal mode. As a joke is getting very famous these days, the govt. also paid attention to that and has replaced the Silent mode option with the Manmohan mode.My favourite feature in the phone was the tabs. In the tabs you can find a “scams” tab under which all major/minor scams have been listed. This tab has three options, i.e, scams below 100 crores, scams above 100 crores and the 2G scam.  Among other specialities, the phone has a wall of fame which is available on one touch for quick reference. This wall of shame.. oh sorry.. wall of fame contains the bio of all famous people like Suresh Kalmadi, A. Raja, Sharad Pawar and Kanimozhi with full details including their financials.Another feature of the phone is the baby tunes, which will turn on a nursery rhyme on a single click closing all other applications. This feature was specially installed on demand by Rahul Gandhi as he might need that frequently. The phone has many apps as well, noticeable ones among them being, “WordoMeter” which will count the number of senseless words you said in a statement, though it came with a direction that Kapil Sibbal and Digvijay singh shouldn’t use it or the app might crash. For them, instead of WordoMeter, we’ll install “Weirdo-Meter”, said the phone makers.
There is another application called iSuck, made as a gift to the cricket team of India.

Being overwhelmed by the features, our reporters took feedbacks from the indian politicians about this revolutionary step by the Govt. and here are a few responses.

“I am ashamed that my name isn’t there in the wall of fame, I am the pioneer of scams in India and I’ll be back” said Laloo Prasad yadav.

While P. Chidambaram said that he was happy to see that Kasab was featured too in the HangMan application, “I am happy that Kasab is there in the HangMan app, we all know that’s not gonna happen in real so it’s a good way to keep people busy in thinking”

Rahul Gandhi immediately went to have dinner with the phone makers to appreciate them, while Manmohan Singh decided to remain silent over the matter.

Since the phone is still not released, we hope there will be a few changes before its launch, like we would love to have an application where we can dismiss the parliament and give public some more powers.
But overall, the phone gets a 10 on rating from us, as it has all the required info about the cons of our govt. (I wanted to say pros and cons but frankly, where are the pros?)
We wish some sensible politicians (If any left) might take it as a signal and do something so that iStink can be turned into iGlow and Steve Jobs’s soul would be proud of something that we dedicated to him.

PS: Now as the article has ended, i don’t know if you liked it or not, but i remember how our spokesperson wanted to sue the websites which make fun of indian govt. So this one is more out of frustration and anger and a kinda “in your face” article.
Then again, hope you enjoyed 😛

The moment you read this, one more was killed. I am not talking about a tiger, not about the humming bird…
I am talking about the creature who doesn’t even know that you’re gonna kill her. And believe me, it’s you on whom she had the trust of her life.
I am talking about your own daughter.

Sometimes, being a boy, I think how tough it would be to become a girl. When she is not even born, female foeticide is there, life in danger. When she is born, child abuse is there in India, life in danger. When she grows up, in places like Delhi and UP, walking 10 meters safely is an achievement, again, life is in danger. When she is married, all depends on how the in laws treat her. Daily we hear cases of dowry and honor killing, life in danger.

Sometimes I just think, is life of a soldier easier than life of a woman in India? Or shouldn’t commando training be made compulsory for girls the moment they are born. Even if what I said is executed, u can’t help the child who isn’t even born.
I am not going to bother you with the stats that how many girls are left per 1000 boys or how many female foeticides take place daily. Neither I’ll bore you by saying the same old things. I just want to ask a question, as you’re aware enough to read this post, are you bold enough to take a step against it? (Not the post but female foeticide and the bad condition of females in our country)

I don’t have suggestions for you on how to do this… what I do is to boldly speak against people who do this, spread messages via blogs and Facebook and also paste some related posters in areas near my home. Works there but you can think of better.
25th September is nationally observed as the Daughters’ day and just like our independence day we celebrate it for a day and get back to our normal selves. Not that doing that with independence day is right, that is infact even more wrong, but that’s a whole different topic. You will be thrashed about that sometime later. Today lets make you understand whats wrong with you.

So all of you think you’re against female foeticide and you’re done. You respect females a lot. But honestly (To all the youngsters reading it), how many of you have never been a part of eve teasing?  Impossible to say that never, so yes, that too is a part of exploitation and abuse.
Those who are married, if you didn’t take dowry don’t think you scored a clean sheet.  Though it’s a little rare in modern societies but by my experiences and what I’ve seen, it won’t be too much to ask, how many of you have never beaten your wife. Yes, it’s a bitter truth that even when we’re living in such a modern society, home violence is one of the majorly committed crimes.

Apart from that, if your father or mother is doing that to their daughter in law, believe me, law doesn’t allow you to sit and watch or keep quiet. Things like this are just like termites eating the culture of our country. A place where we worship goddesses, a place where we have given the supreme position to mother and a cow is considered a holy animal. If we let these things happen, what are we? Traitors won’t be a bad word there.
These days, traditional crimes like dowry killing, infanticide and other related things have decreased in number (Though I am sad to say that this is not the case in our political and business capitals where an increase in rape and kidnapping cases is observed) but these aren’t the only things we need to fight. Other small stuff that remains unnoticed needs to be talked about. It’s the 21st century and now the time has come that we need to have equal status for female in real world too.
I said real world because I do know females rock when it comes to likes on Facebook (Sorry, humor is my thing)

Like others I won’t be presenting before you the names of famous female achievers like Kalpana chawla and saina nehwal along with history makers like Rani laxmibai and Sarojini naidu. But since you know those names, don’t you think we need more of them. And I don’t think killing or kidnapping girls is gonna help that unless you give them special training after kidnapping. So if you’re not a part of the crime, raise your voice. Sitting quietly ain’t helping. Try to show the world that what you think is right and evil needs to be eliminated. Report it to the law if you see something like this.
I would love to end with the hindi lines I read in my childhood (A female teacher taught me)

“Ek nahi do do matrayen, Nar (नर) se bhari Nari (नारी)”

Hope u liked it. If you didn’t, atleast follow what’s right. That’s all I want.
thanks

According to our not-so-trusted sources, it’s a popular news in the country that our Planning commission ministers will be trying their luck in a new TV show named “32 se kam”. It’s a reality show based on the concept that they have to survive an entire week without spending more than Rs 32 a day.

Our efficient reporters were able to dig up more on this. The action is reportedly said to be taken after the great “Tendulkar Report” of the planning commission that People in urban areas who spend more than Rs. 32 a day will not be considered poor. According to the makers of the show, “It was really interesting to know that our leaders think that a common man can survive by just spending Rs. 32 a day which includes his daily requirements of Water, Electricity, Clothing and food!

In the show, the ministers will be fighting each other out to spend the least. Winner will be declared after the week after calculating the expanses of every minister. There are certain guidelines to them as per the report, like, they can’t spend more than Rs 5.5 per day on cereals which certainly deprives  them of  buying 100 grams of good quality rice and half a kg edible wheat flour.  They also won’t be spending more than Rs 2.3 on milk hence not even getting a proper toned milk which costs Rs 5-6 per 100 ml these days.

Reportedly, Warm up cum Preliminary round was taken up by the ministers of planning commission to see if they qualify for the competition. Though Most of them faced utter difficulties while coping up with the budget restriction, none of them showed it on his face thanks to their superb expression control, which might be because of their expression change in front of the voters.

Montek singh ahluwalia himself was eliminated from the competition after he was seen buying a banana which costs more than 44 paise. Shri Ashwini kumar faced elimination because he drank a Cup of coffee which contained sugar that apparently costs more than 70 paise.

Other ministers like A Raja, Suresh Kalmadi were also given wild card entries in the competition.
On detailed questioning, it was revealed that Raja gave a bribe of 32 crore to show that he can survive in 32 Rs a day while Kalmadi came in for free thanks to his name match with Suresh Tendulkar (Who by the way, is the Report incharge)

The supreme court seemed ok with the competition, according to officials, “We don’t have a problem with the competition…  it’s good that our ministers are trying.. it’s easy, that was the reason we approved the report. In fact even we want to take part in the competition, we are even thinking of taking the limit below Rs 30”

The producers of the show also cleared that the ministers won’t be allowed to spend more than Rs. 30 per month on health which is actually 30 paise more than what they have allowed for the common man. It should be noted that this means you will get to spend 99 paise per day on health though a Disprin costs more than Rs 1 !!
In other details, The ministers will also be given a 10 Rs note each to find a good footwear for the show.

According to the Latest BPL criteria given by the Tendulkar Committee report and followed by “32 se kam” Makers, the worst news related to the competition was that Dr Manmohan singh himself won’t be able to use his tube of Fair and Handsome cream which costs more than 30 Rs since he was allowed to spend only less than 29.6 per month on personal care.

Though the public was furious with the report but the decision of this competition has turned the tables and now they are eager to see what happens with all the ministers at the end of the week.

Now that the competition is about to start, we can only hope this might provide some sense to our ministers in the end.

Check this article on NTMN too 🙂
http://newsthatmattersnot.com/2011/09/new-reality-show-sawaal-32-ka-challenges-planning-commission-members-to-survive-on-rs-32-a-day.html

Hello all… yes I am back, from nowhere… I was hiding here only to catch some big news and review or fake it in my style… but damn this government knows me well!!! They decided not to give me anything new and did their usual things, i.e, increased petrol prices and kapil sibbal blabbered a little more about some other non-sense! So I thought let’s find something new and refreshing… and see what I stumbled upon! I got the list of the 11 participants trying their luck this year in BIG BOSS Season 5!! Hosted by two of our industry’s Macho-Men Sal-man and Sanjay!!  Though I still don’t have the names of remaining two… (You do know there are 13 contestants right? )

Ok so hold your breath, I have a complete detail of the participant including the views of everyone on his/her participation… remember… it’s a secret so feel free to tell anyone, it’s my blog after all!!

Bigg Boss

So the first participant who will be on his way to big boss is our very own Rahul Gandhi!
According to the producers “He’ll be attracting youth towards our program and won’t face a problem while having lunch with anyone, he has his experience in that area”
According to Rahul “the only problem I might face is regarding changing my diapers because mummy would not be there… I’ll try… <started crying>”
I Think  “He played very good against England, or wait… was that Rahul Dravid?”

Moving on to the next, we have a person from our very own cricket team Mahendra Singh Dhoni!
Producers Think “He has the abilities of leadership and knows how to handle defeat, well.. a little too much now”
According to dhoni “it will be nice to be locked In a home for 3-4 months… I couldn’t get a better place to hide since our return from England”
I Think “hey is he the same person who had an affair with deepika padukone??”

After Dhoni they needed someone from the fashion industry… so there goes the name.. Poooonammm pandeyyyy!
Producers Think “She is famous, people hate her so we love her”
According to poonam “I’ll strip publically if I win the show”
I think “plz hurry this time!!!”

That was gross!! Anyway, moving on to our fourth contestant, we got a very famous spokesperson here… hold your breath ladies and gentlemen… Digvijay Singh!
Producers Think “After rakhi sawant in season 1 and dolly bindra in season 4 we could not get a better bakbak machine than Mr. Digvijay Singh”
According to Digvijay “I really like this gesture, I am against lokpal, I love soniya ji, I like saying 200 words per minute, I think terrorist attacks cannot be controlled…. <And he fainted after we made him smell chloroform>
I Think  “With him being in big boss, I wonder if salman will get a chance to speak!!”

Now it’s time to welcome our contestant number 5… he likes saying this “I am neal, I am the man, RockStar… SuperStar!!!” Not to mention he likes lying as well… I know you’re having a hard time recoginising him… that’s Uday Chopra my dear fellas..!
Producers Think “His father promised us to finance the whole show if we take him”
According to Uday “…” (he was too happy to say anything)
I Think  “what can I say! I loved his dhoom movies… he was better than abhishek atleast!!”

When I talk about contestant number 6, I want all of you to look around and make sure no one’s there coz you might get kissed… YES ladies and lay’Das’, I am talking about Emran Hashmi!
Producers Think “A tinge of adult content is the theme of our show..”
According to emran “ummmmuahhhhh…” (our reporter went missing after that)
I Think  “I wonder after emran enters the show, the announcements will be like ‘Big Boss chahte hai k emran unhe chhod k kisi ladki ko pakde’!”

Now moving towards the contestant number 7… here we have the Bollywood industry icon KARAN JOHAR !
Producers Think <Serious> “We always have a gay contestant”
According to Karan <Ecstatic> “They always have a gay contestant”
I Think  <Sigh!> “They always have a gay contestant”

As the rules clearly state, they have a contestant very low profile and less known to public… As contestant number 8 this time Dr. Manmohan Singh is chosen for the job.
Producers Think “Soniya ji gave him permission to leave the PM’s chair for 4 months and he fits our guidelines for remaining quite all the time”
According to Manmohan “When I came to know Rahul baba is taking part I thought ‘Who will change his diapers now!’ so I needed to go there <then he kept quiet for an hour>”
I Think  “…” <I was too busy admiring Manmohan ji’s adorable words, seldom we hear them>

Now with have come to the point we need to disclose the name of our most awaited contestant… yess… none other than KRK…
what!! you don’t know him… go rot in hell! Kamal R Khan is the biggest superstar of the century… was a part of Big Boss 3 too…
He didn’t let me or the producers speak…
According to KRK “KRK itna chhota star nahi hai k ek season se man jaye… I’ll come again and again”

Time for our 10th contestant… without further ado I present.. Baba Ramdev !!
Producers Think “Yoga, politics, singing, lap dancing, winking, stand up comedy, kapalbhati! He is a complete package”
According to Baba “Karne se hoga! Mai big boss se nahi darta… use bhi pranayama karwaunga” <He winked twice at our interviewer>
I think ”
And now last but not the least… as I don’t have the names of next two, I present to you, contestant number 11… Anu Malik!!
Producers Think “He made our theme song for free.. though we realized that it was stolen from a mediocre Hollywood movie after paying him”
According to Anu “Mai apne andaz me kahna chahunga… Barish hui chham chham… India me fat gaya bam… aur big boss me aa gaye hum!” <the interviewer was admitted to icu immediately>
I Think  “I needed a reason not to watch the show!”

I am done with my 11… I would love it if u suggest me the names of the rest two in the same way I did..

Back to reality…
So this is it… the 13 losers coming to Big Boss and make a show with all the bad traits one of the biggest hits of country… Yeah that’s a fact…  a show that we all criticize and a show, we all know is for losers… a place where the so called “Celebrities” live together just to bitch about each other ,fall in controversies, show obscene content and to fight like weirdos and tell the world what kind of crap we can serve to our viewers and still, it’s one of the biggest TRP gainers of our country… I just tried telling how lame and malignant such shows are and we need to change such things… and on the same time the people I suggested are nothing but a question mark on the deferential position of our country in the world… With my previous articles like Sansani not so funny  and Indian Democrazzy I  have tried to convey the same thing… this time I tried to widen the scope…
hope u liked it..

If not, even then suggest me two names for this season of big boss the same way I did for the 11… let’s see what you got 😉

On the occasion of the 64th Independence Day, the Govt. has decided to declare the whole week (15th – 21st ) as independence special week in India. Under the special arrangements made by the government for this week, the biggest one is Exclusive footage of Dr. manmohan singh. Other benefits include 1 paisa relaxation in petrol price and a 3 minute ban on Rakhi sawant speaking anything publically.

Back to the Footage part, According to our sources, in some of the video clips, Manmohan Singh is seen talking.  Reports also say that a video called “Dhamaka Video” will also be released by the centre in which PM has even said a few words to MADAM JI herself.

When our reporters asked our very (un)respected leaders about the matter, here’s what they said…

Digvijay singh: I know about the video. In fact I was the one who recorded one of those (he also showed us his new E7 phone). And about the Dhamaka video, well the public might just have to wait for it.

Sushma Swaraj: Pradhan mantri ji ki is karastani ka hume pahle se shak tha. In fact I also think that he had his opinion on the Mumbai blasts too, though we don’t have a proof yet.

Soniya Gandhi: this is all a conspiracy by foreign powers just to degrade the image of Manmohan Ji. Neither he has spoken and nor will he ever speak unless asked. She agreed to the independence special week celebrations but she also said that those celebrations were just to intensify her India-Return celebrations.

Rahul Gandhi: its more than a hoax this time. I smell something fishy here but I don’t think that any such videos will affect our public image. In fact a few that I have personally seen, will just add to it.

Sheila: I am too sexy for you, mai tere hath na aani!!! (that was her phone which rang before the interview could start and she found an escape)

Manmohan ji decided to remain silent over the whole issue.

The general public seems to be very excited about the video. According to an email by One of our readers, it would be really nice to see Manmohan ji speak on occasions other than 15th august and 26th jan.  After the famous Hrithik-Aishwarya kiss in Dhoom2, the Dhamaka video has become the most Awaited and unpredictable thing in our country.

Since this seems to be one of the very few steps of government which has pleased the general public, we are hopeful that release of these videos might also be a start of a new era where we’ll also see our leader speak (something awaited since the second last elections! )

According to not-so-trusted sources, it’s now widespread news that the English cricket board has decided to gift the fourth test match in the on-going series to the Indian cricket team.

The board president said “we have already won more than what we expected… while we are tired and all the players need some rest, we think Indian players have helped us in many ways to achieve this milestone and they also deserve a sympathy win”
He also expressed his wish of arranging a special test match for Sachin Tendulkar where they’ll allow underarm bowling and no more than 3 fielders will be there on the field at a time. He said “we really want Sachin to complete his 100th century… we’ve been talking to ICC to just grant him the 100th one in honour of his 99, but if that doesn’t happen then we’ll organize this test match for sure”

When asked that if there’s some other reason behind this gift, he told the media that they had observed signs of depression among the Indian players and they did not want them to just run away without playing as they still want to win the ODI series.

Acc. To the In-form bowler Broad, Indians really need some soothing and relaxing yoga sessions to realize their inner strengths. He said “I never had imagined that a person like Sehwag will refuse to face my bowls, and Raina would complain of chest pain as soon as he sees  me coming towards him”

On the same topic Cook also had an opinion… he said “I have always admired the way Indians have respected good batting. When I started playing well, they did not want to get me out. Gifting them the fourth test would be a nice way to show our gratitude”

Reports also say that one of the English players saw MS Dhoni crying in the bathroom while he was passing by.

When harbhajan was asked his opinion on all this, he said “I respect the decision of English board… personally I would say that they should gift us one of the ODI matches too since me and dhoni are not in very good terms and there are many chances that we’ll lose that anyways.”

While Raina refused to answer any of the questions on the matter, Sehwag said he could not hear us properly and even fainted once.

Acc to the same not-so-trusted sources, BCCI has reportedly agreed to the offer and has also decided to let them arrange a charity match with all indian players and stuart broad against them. The match has already gained fame in England with the tagline “how much time will they stay”

Now that only formalities are left, this is probably the only good thing that might come out of this tour.

Reporter shubham

For FAKING NEWS.

Gaur se dekhiye is aadmi ko.. iske masoom chehre pe mat jaiyega… asal me ye ek vahshi darinda hai…

Oh c’mon! Give me a break.

This is what all the news channels are showing these days.  A guy who eats stones, a lady who can see future, a child who remembers his previous birth!!! Where are those good old days when we actually got to see some NEWS on the news channels !!

Initially I thought TRP is a reason they’re showing this.. but who gives them the TRP?? Us. And who hates all this?? Us. So whats the purpose behind all this.

For instance, as I was watching a holi special program, an astrologer said.. “if u go playing holi at around 12 wearing red clothes and throw green color on a person with black clothes.. LABH HOGA!!”  WTF… oops sorry.. I wanted to say.. WTF.. yes, this only..  I mean how possibly one can enjoy holi under such weird restrictions!!!

Another weirdo on the same channel says something about vastushastra… acc to him the reason for the caller’s failure in life was his study table which was oriented towards south! I wonder if bill gates knew that, how much more successful he would have been.. poor guy has his whole office facing south!!

I don’t know how people can be fooled easily with this whole crap… how can u think that the reason of your failure in studies was a table lamp that was facing north and not your stupid message chats with your girlfriend all the time. And this is not it, there’s a lot more to go.

When we think about news , the first thing coming to our mind is our sweet government (yes I am being sarcastic). So here’s what the news channels show as breaking news when it comes to government

sarcozi ki girlfriend k bharat aane me hui adchan… kya karenge manmohan

Mayawati ne khareeda naya bangla… mulayam ne manga byora

Budget hoga aaj pesh, Sansad me kya fir se chalengi chappale

Where is the news that I wanted to see… what about the latest policies, what about the cabinet reshuffle, what about whats inside the budget!!!

These days the term BREAKING NEWS is used everywhere… seems like this term is becoming similar to reservation… used so much that now it should be put in general category

In Last few weeks, these were the breaking news.. “katerina speaks hindi on the sets of ZNMD” “harbhajan says I am not happy with dhoni’s statements” “ rakhi sawant to host Ajab Desh ki gajab kahani” so what about the new reports on the recent bomb blasts? And what about the big economic crisis taking place in the US?

And I don’t think there will be any guesses what was the biggest news last month (apart from rajhinikanth returning to india)… oh yes… HINA RABBANI… that was one of the most talked about persons in the whole media… as every indian now knows about her… there are a few who also know why she came here… rest only saw the breaking news which was “kya hina rabbani jitni khoobsurat mahila hamare cabinet me hai??”

And this was my personal favourite breaking news “Pakistan ne bheja bharat me ek aur bomb.. hina rabbani ne jeeta manmohan ka dil

There are a few things for which these channels have become famous too… for eg. A guy in a blazer and a pretty bad shave covers the whole screen… points his weirdly long finger at you and shouts “sansani me aapka swagat hai” and I am like “DUDE chill… the way you are shouting, I wonder the culprit might just die of heart attack!!”

Also there’s one uncle who comes to advise people about stocks… and he is so sure about everything that he can tell “reliance will gain a 100 rs by tomorrow” “bajaj is gonna lose for sure” and I want to ask him.. if you’re so sure why don’t u just buy like 10-20000 shares… why this little job… and on a more positive side why don’t u go and tell the ambanis what the company is gonna do tomorrow… they might just make you their partner!!

All in all… I think india needs a good TV experience and not INDIA TV experience… we have tolerated this AAJ TAK but not after this… and this is the time(S) now to tell them that we need some proper and real news.

Who cares if a man hasn’t slept in 10 days, just give him some sleeping pills… who cares if a child can eat 12 bananas at a time, just arrange his meeting with adnan sami…

But we do care about our country and we would like to know more about the recent developments, latest policies, good performances… none of us is interested in what cream shahrukh khan uses or what brand Amitabh endorses, we’re interested in what’s good for us and what’s better for the nation.

I guess this is it for now… but here is a question…  We all know how important media is and since it is inseparable , what can we do to improve its condition… ? I know we all might have an answer for this… but it’s time to execute.

The indian demo-crazzy

Posted: July 31, 2011 in Politics, Sarcasm
Tags: ,

Ok ok the title is a stolen one.

But don’t you think it was apt ? So i thought why put stress on my little mind

Anyways, this is something i always wanted to express and finally i am doing it thanks to WordPress (oh yes i rhyme too)

In my childhood i always heard my parents saying India is a country filled of scams and corruption, that time things like the famous fodder scam, or the famous Harshad Mehta stock exchange scam were really talked about. So i always thought when I’ll grow up I’ll do something big… something which will be known forever and I’ll be part of a country which is far more advanced than the one i am living in (no pun intended, I wanted India to develop)

And see, my dream came true… today we do scams on international level, today we have black money all over the Swiss banks and we have corrupted the biggest international event that happened recently (cwg of course)… so all in all, we did advance.

And the best thing about all this is that when i am trying to be sarcastic, our government is actually proud of it.

For instance , our very famous spokesperson’s take on recent Mumbai bomb blasts was “we have successfully overcome them 100s of times, failing 1 or 2 times is normal” and while we are still fighting for the lokpal bill and the other anti-corruption movements , our national issue right now is hina rabbani being extra beautiful.

Once i read in a newspaper that someone threw a shoe on a respected indian leader.

That obviously wasn’t right… but does our govt needs to be tackled with such measures… or is this the only way to dump our anger abt these situations… i mean can’t the government do anything about this…

Here are a few solutions i thought

As dr. MMS very well knows his image in the country (i know he has a secret fb profile he uses to keep a watch on updates related to him)… he must make a blog requesting people to comment on his situation.. Also he must not forget to mark spam the comments using the obvious words (ma, bahan, dk bose, chor, naukar, idiot, asshole, crap, screw, and obviously the indian gaalis)

Digvijay singh should undergo a vocal cord surgery and should get them removed, or he can simply drink HCl… most of the problems will be solved

Soniya gandhi should let mms decide what hours he’ll speak on his own (like 9 to 10 pm everyday)… This way some sensible decisions might be taken.

Suresh kalmadi, well he’s going good… just keep forgetting… who knows when u might forget to breathe .

A raja should aim big, i mean only after his scam we got 3G in our country… a 3G scam might get us something even better.

Raj thackrey… dude, do something… people are forgetting you, you still have many north indians to curse… why don’t you start off with MS dhoni this time!!

And Chelsea should dismiss their club (you know I had to say that anyways)

If all these solutions were not good enough, u guys can always try going the left way (pun highly intended)

After all these people, it would be my bad if i don’t mention, the two fame-crazy people, baba ramdev and rakhi sawant… for them i have to say this in a very female style..  “awww…   go get a room you two ❤ ”

Politics in india is like baba ramdev’s left eye… it exists but its pretty useless… but you can’t just sit back and curse them… i mean , i can (i am blogger, we all know i am jobless) but you can’t… in rdb style, ias bano, ips bano, politics ko badlo…

While reading this some of you might smile and some might say what a waste of time (actually many would say that) but my soul motive behind writing this was to express this one thing that none of us is satisfied with the way democracy in india is being used and the way we are being led.

So wake up, have a cup of coffee (i hear its beneficial) and then go for it… at least  cast your vote… after-all being adult is not only your permit for some internet websites