Posts Tagged ‘faltu’

So this is an article about 5 questions that girls ask and guys can’t answer. This is the first time I have a co-author with me. So ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, Akanksha Sharma. She was instrumental in helping me with the questions, and well, wherever I went overboard talking about girls 😛

And before you start reading this article here are a few rules I should make clear

a)      If you’re a guy and in a relationship, you should know and learn what this article says.

b)      Oh you’re a married Guy, very sad, moving on, read this and since you’ve experience, share more!

c)       You’re a single Guy (And hot), read this and remember, you have an edge over all your single friends, hence more chances of getting girls..!!

d)      You’re a single guy (not hot and not talented), read this, praise me, and then go back listening to your Justin Beiber CD

e)      You’re a GIRL! Read this, don’t curse me, and tell me if you found any of this true… And give me your number (hey I don’t make the rules!)

PS: All the above rules are crap… umm… And so is the article… But you have already wasted a minute reading all this… waste 2 more and read further…   Keep your mind in fridge and go on reading!

So we’re talking about 5 things that a guy can’t answer… Obviously things that a girl asks… let’s roll with it.

Girls vs boys

1.       Am I looking good!!?

So what’s the deal with this question? See, every girl in the world is born with a deep down feeling of superiority about her looks over the entire mankind. But saying yes can be problematic as she might think you’re just trying to flatter her, while saying no!!! boy!! Don’t even think about it coz this might lead to severe bruises.

So how should you answer?

  1. Nice, specially this new hairstyle, looks awesome! (She won’t complain since you noticed something new.)
  2. Apparently, Black suits you way more than any other girl. (Criticize other girls and you’re good to go.)
  3. Heyyy… let’s go shopping! (Always works!)

2.       Hey, do you think she is more beautiful than me?

Yes… I know she is, but you don’t say that. Saying yes or no both lead to same conclusion, “YOU CHECKING HER OUT” and even though you were, you shouldn’t admit that!

So how should you answer?

  1. Sorry, never noticed her except for her clearly visible poor dressing sense. (as I said, Criticize other girls and you’re good to go)
  2. Who said that, no girl in the world is more beautiful than you, except for megan fox (Using a famous personality won’t make her jealous, you’re safe.)
  3. Heyyy… let’s go shopping! (Always works!)

 3.       Why don’t you understand me? (Or, what’s with that ego? Or actually anything)

There is this one simple rule with girls, NEVER SAY YOU’RE WRONG!!!!  If you’re wrong, admit that you’re wrong. If she’s wrong, again, admit that you’re wrong. Girls can sound dumb, cute, lovable and sad all at the same time. In Guys, only Chelsea fans do that.

So how should you answer?

  1. I know, I am dumb, I need you (blah blah…. Keep on going…)
  2. I am just so excited to be with you that I make such mistakes. (this line is so good    that you might even get to watch a whole cricket match with her!)
  3. Heyyy… Let’s go shopping! (You know that!)

toughest questions

 4.       Do you remember when we first met (and you first gifted me some thing, and my b’day, and my mom’s b’day and my brother,sister,father etc. etc. etc…)

One thing is clear, normal guys don’t remember ALL the dates. A few might be OK, but if you remember ALL, go get yourself checked. So the rest 98.4 % guys who are normal, don’t make a random guess in this part because that will finish the chances of your b’day getting anything special. And saying No, well, is worse than suicide.

So how should you answer?

  1. I think we’re together from ages (it’s cheesy, but works many times)
  2. Yes I do (Use that calendar in your phone, moron!)
  3. Heyyy… let’s go shopping (do I need to say why!)

5.       Tum kitna badal gaye ho. Hai na?

The BAAP of all questions. Now how the hell would someone remain unchanged over years? And girls are the ones who complain about your bad hairstyle, dressing sense and other habits at the first place. But if this is what you say to her, book a bed in the nearest hospital.

So how should you answer?

Even I don’t have an answer to that. Do tell me if you have one!

Before concluding let me quote these lines directly from a girl’s heart… (to prove that boys aren’t that bad 😛 )

Behind every Mischief of a young boy, there’s always this innocent lad for whom food means mother’s recipe.

Behind every pair of notorious eve teaser eyes, there’s a nostalgic brother, who cherishes all the memories of his sister all his life

Behind that firm masculine physique lies a soft heart, which, when discovers the true essence of love, beats only for the princess he fancies.

Behind that firm square jaw line, there’s a father who deeply cares for his little angels.

So we’re done here. I guess most of you would agree to me in this and the rest would be girls. But deep down, even they know its right. Though I don’t guarantee the success of the 3 answers I have given with every question because they need to be delivered with a perfect expression and timing with optimum confidence. (Hence, most people fail!)

In the end I would like to do two things, apologise to the girls who unnecessarily and without reason felt offended 😛
And thank my co-author Akanksha for providing me a better insight over the topic (Trust me, I had some before too 😛 )

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According to our not-so-trusted sources, it’s a popular news in the country that our Planning commission ministers will be trying their luck in a new TV show named “32 se kam”. It’s a reality show based on the concept that they have to survive an entire week without spending more than Rs 32 a day.

Our efficient reporters were able to dig up more on this. The action is reportedly said to be taken after the great “Tendulkar Report” of the planning commission that People in urban areas who spend more than Rs. 32 a day will not be considered poor. According to the makers of the show, “It was really interesting to know that our leaders think that a common man can survive by just spending Rs. 32 a day which includes his daily requirements of Water, Electricity, Clothing and food!

In the show, the ministers will be fighting each other out to spend the least. Winner will be declared after the week after calculating the expanses of every minister. There are certain guidelines to them as per the report, like, they can’t spend more than Rs 5.5 per day on cereals which certainly deprives  them of  buying 100 grams of good quality rice and half a kg edible wheat flour.  They also won’t be spending more than Rs 2.3 on milk hence not even getting a proper toned milk which costs Rs 5-6 per 100 ml these days.

Reportedly, Warm up cum Preliminary round was taken up by the ministers of planning commission to see if they qualify for the competition. Though Most of them faced utter difficulties while coping up with the budget restriction, none of them showed it on his face thanks to their superb expression control, which might be because of their expression change in front of the voters.

Montek singh ahluwalia himself was eliminated from the competition after he was seen buying a banana which costs more than 44 paise. Shri Ashwini kumar faced elimination because he drank a Cup of coffee which contained sugar that apparently costs more than 70 paise.

Other ministers like A Raja, Suresh Kalmadi were also given wild card entries in the competition.
On detailed questioning, it was revealed that Raja gave a bribe of 32 crore to show that he can survive in 32 Rs a day while Kalmadi came in for free thanks to his name match with Suresh Tendulkar (Who by the way, is the Report incharge)

The supreme court seemed ok with the competition, according to officials, “We don’t have a problem with the competition…  it’s good that our ministers are trying.. it’s easy, that was the reason we approved the report. In fact even we want to take part in the competition, we are even thinking of taking the limit below Rs 30”

The producers of the show also cleared that the ministers won’t be allowed to spend more than Rs. 30 per month on health which is actually 30 paise more than what they have allowed for the common man. It should be noted that this means you will get to spend 99 paise per day on health though a Disprin costs more than Rs 1 !!
In other details, The ministers will also be given a 10 Rs note each to find a good footwear for the show.

According to the Latest BPL criteria given by the Tendulkar Committee report and followed by “32 se kam” Makers, the worst news related to the competition was that Dr Manmohan singh himself won’t be able to use his tube of Fair and Handsome cream which costs more than 30 Rs since he was allowed to spend only less than 29.6 per month on personal care.

Though the public was furious with the report but the decision of this competition has turned the tables and now they are eager to see what happens with all the ministers at the end of the week.

Now that the competition is about to start, we can only hope this might provide some sense to our ministers in the end.

Check this article on NTMN too 🙂
http://newsthatmattersnot.com/2011/09/new-reality-show-sawaal-32-ka-challenges-planning-commission-members-to-survive-on-rs-32-a-day.html

And thus it all ends!

 

 

Hello again friends..
Still can’t believe i got such an amazing response on Preeto Part Two, thanks for that 🙂
Maximum likes till date on my blog posts and still counting.. so with this post i bring an end to the Preeto Trilogy and well.. my pathetic hindi kavitas 😛
If you’re new/lost, plz read Preeto part one and Preeto Part Two before you proceed..
and when you’re done, tell me if u liked it.. i know some pretty good psychiatrists 🙂
and yes.. this one is not that funny (actually not at all funny), i just had to put an end to it.. and thanks again.. my blog visiter counter hit 1000 yesterday 🙂

Go..

Kahani hai ye us din ki jab shuru hui meri barbadi..
Hu mai wo badnaseeb jis se hui thi Preeto ki shadi..
Khush aise hua tha jaise mil gaya mujhe mera pyar..
Aise laga tha jaise lakhon khushiyan ghar aai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Dekhta tha use roz use ghar se nikalte..
Kai bar aankh mari use maine chalte chalte..
Lagta tha jaise marti thi wo mujhpe..
Uske bap se fir kah k maine shadi ki bat chalai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Chakkar tha kisi lalluchand k sath uska..
Wo bechara isi k gham me is duniya se khiska..
Mujhe kya pata tha kya chakkar hai is kahani k peechhe..
Tab bhi na samjha jab iske khunkhar bap ne kara di iski sagai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Mujhe laga waqt hai kharab par karte hai hum pyar..
Bhag jate hai sath chhod k dukan aur ghar bar..
Lagta tha basayenge kahin aur apna aashiyana..
Isi chudail chakkar me kar li ikatthi apni sari kamai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Bhag gaye jo ghar se, socha karenge koi kam..
Dhoond nhi payega bap hume iska, janta kaun hai humara nam..
Mujhe nahi pata tha karti thi bap ko call wo roz..
Maine to khareeda ghar aur FD bhi iske nam karayi..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai…

Khushi khushi nikal rhe the din kat rahi thi raten..
Karta tha kam mai usse sawal, puchi nhi purani koi baten..
Lagta tha niklegi aise hi zindagi..
Kya pata tha man me us dayan ne koi aur hi chal chalai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Pahucha jab bal katke apne ghar ek din..
Soona sa laga ghar mujhe us preeto k bin..
Gaur se dekha to saaf ho gya tha sab kuch..
Kyu ki thi usne mujh se shadi ab bat meri samajh aayi..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Paise to door chhodi nahi usne ek thali..
Kar gayi wo bandit queen mera poora ghar khali..
Socha karu police me report aur bhagu apne shahar..
Par us kameeni ne meri FD bhi bank se tudwai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Pahucha jaise taise m apne shahar mila uske bap ko..
Dekhke mujhe bola wo kameena, pahchana nahi mai aapko..
Maine lagaya thappad aur diya ek ghoosa..
Bola sale dekh gaur se mai hu tera jawai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Barbad kiya kitno ko tumne jaise ho ye koi khel..
Le kar aaya hu m police, karwaunga sab ko jail..
Wo to mil gaya ab dhundna tha us preeto ko..
Lagaya inaam 50000 ka tabhi wo preeto hath aayi..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Sab pahuche andar ab ho gaya tha insaaf..
Par meri tarah us preeto ne kiye the kitno k ghar saf..
Kholi maine dukan apni fir se par man me tha dard kahin..
Ab to dekh k mujhe hansta h wo pados ka sand halwai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..

Mile ab koi bhi par preeto thi kuch khas..
Par us lalluchand ki tarah mera bhi ab pyar se uth gaya vishwas..
Pata h mujhe kavita ho gayi boring par thi ye dukhbhari kahani..
Us preeto k chakkar me barbad ho gayi meri jawani..
Fir bhi karta hu khatam ise yahin, maf karna jo aapne comedy ki aas lagai..
Par han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..
Han mai hi hun wo badnaseeb nai..!!!

thanks for reading.. your appreciation to preeto part one and two was phenomenal, plz cope up with part three 😛
Cheers!

Hello again..
Last time I promised that was gonna be my first and only hindi kavita.. but people gave such an amazing response and made preeto the next famous thing after sheila and munni! so i thought, why not come up with preeto part two — kahani lalluchand ki!
this is not as good as last one (coz wo natural thi and ye forced hai) but still, i have tried to remain as senseless as i can..
This time again i have tried to maintain same rhyme scheme..

read and don’t have fun, and if u do.. go see a psychiatrist 🙂

pichhli bar suni thi kahani tumne preeto k bap se..
jhooth bolne wale us aastin k sanp se..
is bar apni aapbeeti sunane mai hu aaya..
k meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

bat thi college ki jab m karta tha bunk..
wo aati thi paidal to mere pas kaunsi thi koi hunk..
college ka har dusra ladka tha use ghumata..
kya hua jo ek din mai bhi ghuma laya..
par meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

kabhi le gaya use yahan, kabhi le gaya use wahan..
kamini kitna kharcha karati thi, jati thi jane kahan kahan..
bapu ki shirt se paise churata tha mai to kabhi padosi ko choona lagata tha mai..
kai bar to 500 rupaiyye ka sirf pizza akele us bhooki ne khaya..
fir bhi meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

jab bhi milta tha usse, lagta tha jaise mil gaye do dil..
par use nhi thi fursat, kabhi chalo bandra to kabhi antop hill..
uske liye khareedni padi thi gadi nayi..
use kya pata udhar us chudail k liye kahan kahan se mangwaya..
tab bhi meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

mil mil k us se badal gayi mere haal..
par ye sab to thi uske lutere gharwalo ki koi chaal..
bap tha uska chor, bhai bhi rhte the jail me…
ye sab mai waqt pe nahi pata karwaya..
meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

gaya mai uske ghar bat karne apni shadi ki..
kar aaya bat anjaane me apni barbadi ki..
bap ne rakh di mang 1 lakh ki, bola shadi hogi jab paisa milega..
mai bhi josh me paise dene ka vada kar aaya..
kya kahu mai apni preeto ko nahi pata paya..!!

sharmate hue dekha usne mujhe, maine bat kari uske bhai se..
kya tha mujhe pata k chakkar chala h uska pados k nai se..
laga tha mai to paiso ka intazam karne me..
manga dosto se paisa, bap ki tijori tak kari safaya..
us dayan preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

bhag gayi wo ghar se, bap uska mere samne roya..
laga mujhe jaise galti nahi h uski, sambhala maine use, kameena mere hi ghar pe soya..
laga jaise kismat me likha tha yahi..
par fir mere hi bap ne mujhe pitwaya..
aur meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya..!!

bacha nahi zyada kuch kahne ko, yahi thi meri kahani..
us ek bholi si ladki ne yad dila di mujhe nani..
vishwas uth gaya hai lalluchand ka ab pyar se..
pyar kar k mai bahut pachtaya..
meri preeto ko mai nahi pata paya!!
meri preeto ko mai nhi pata paya!!!!