Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Disclaimer: All the things I have ever talked about on this blog, I really mean them. In case I have knowingly and on purpose hurt anyone’s feelings, I am really sorry for your poor luck and bad hairstyle (yeah I just felt like adding that.)

Well hello people! You know today’s a special day now don’t you? I turn two today. *Claps* *Birthday songs* *Cheers* Thank you thank you. So I was talking to one of my friends and he told me that the blog is about humor and I have not been writing on that for a long time now. So I thought why not get back to the old track on the special day? So here it is, an article to help every poor soul on this earth (AKA: FriendZoned guys).

This one tells you, how to know if it’s really a date or not. (And how not to panic if it really is!). So you like her. Hang out with her. She likes you too, as a ‘friend’! How merciless and heart wrenching, is it? But there is 0.341% chance that you can still get a girl who isn’t going to put you in the friendzone, ok, 0.0341%, but don’t be sad, chance is still there right! Just read this.

How often does that happen? You and her, chatting up as usual, laughing and all when all of a sudden you drop in the idea of ‘watching the man of steel show together’ or maybe ‘trying the new double cheese pizza by dominos’ and to your surprise, without a slight delay she says yes. Now that puts you in doubt, is it a date? For you it is, but is it for her? Situation is even worse when she asked you out and you have no friggin idea if that was ‘asking out’ or asking out (you know the difference, right?).

i-dont-always-flirt-when-i-do-i-get-friendzoned

  1. Study the place you guys will be going to. See, saying yes to a ‘man of steel’ show is like accepting your friend request on a social network, not your proposal. It just means she likes Superman, not you. Also applies to Batman, Spiderman and any other man with superpowers. (Not the Indian Ra.One, Marry her if she is ready to watch that with you!)
  2.  So it is a movie, but you are going to have a pizza too after that. Now that tells something, doesn’t it? Yeah… her taste in good food! You bozo! What kind of a girl would go for a pizza on her first date? (The cool one, I know, but since she is going out with you, we’ve already established she is insane.)
  3. To know for sure she is not into you, you could try some advanced ways. Try asking her to choose a shirt for you to buy. Now a not so close one would be trying to avoid that. A too close ‘friend’ would mock you for your bad choice and then go ahead and choose some. And the kind you want, ‘close’ in a different way, would be ready to choose, but not vehemently and would go for formal wear (Mark… My… MWords.)
  4. While many guys find it attractive, I find it extremely anti-feminist that the guy has to pay. But yeah, she went out with you and you had to pay means three cases.

A:  She didn’t offer. : Either a great friend or a freeloader, my money is on latter, a phrase which btw, would never be said by her.

B: She offered and you rejected but she insisted hard and then settled for ‘she pays the next time’. : You sir, are SuperStupendousOutrageouslyFriendZoned. Ask yourself, do you WANT a next time?

C: She offered so sheepishly that you had to say no and pay. : She is the one, man! She is the one!

5. While watching a movie together with a friend is followed by some casual remarks and a normal bye, a date like this is generally followed by awkward silence, random chat and super awkward moments where you lead for a hug and she expects a handshake (even worse when you were going for a kiss.. what.. no.. never happened with me, just saying… what? no..! you suck!).

What I am saying is, just sense what she is going for and if it is anything more than a handshake and she says ‘call me’, she is definitely in!

 

6. Just call her and tell her you really liked it and would like to do it again. There can be a few possible replies.

  • Like:

A. Really, same movie, again! (She isn’t into you, she is funny, give me her number!)

B. Sure, but this time with our dates. (Got it? Go bang your head now.)

C. Not really, I got bored. (She is… well do I need to spoon feed thou?)

D. Ah, yeah why not. This time you chose the place. (Highly unlikely, and I only said this to cover everything. But yeah, you scored!)

Confused-guy

           7 . If aforementioned ways weren’t enough, ask her directly. Although I’d recommend some witnesses and at least one protective gear while you do that.

That’s it. Like those? Did you now…? really? Well, in case you did then don’t forget to leave a comment. In case you didn’t, leave one anyway, you wasted quite a lot of time coming all the way till here.

Once again, happy birthday to me and to the launch of Apollo XI, the thing that put Neil Armstrong on moon if you remember. This was post number 74 , and the blog has now crossed over 55,000 views. Thank you 😀

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You… yes… you! I am talking to you bozo! Where do you think you are going? Just because I didn’t write anything funny for a month, you think you can just unsubscribe! Not that easy buttercup.

And because you had such a lame idea of moving away from this blog, not only I spammed you and brought you back, I’ll also make sure you read this another post filled up of my useless experience and aimless sarcasm.
Also, I heard that while no updates were here, guys were actually able to go on perfect dates… now we can’t let that happen, can we?!

We all love gifts. Girls, to be specific, love gifts on every occasion… like their birthdays, results, first meeting anniversaries, marriage anniversaries, their pet’s birthday, cousin’s marriage, when they look good (to appreciate), when they are not looking good (to cheer up), when they feel good (to celebrate), when they’re not feeling good (to make them feel good) etc. etc. etc.

This post is about choosing a gift. Since ages man has struggled to choose the perfect gift for his dream girl… or well… any girl for that matter.  All this started when Adam chose the first wrong gift for Eve, the apple. And the humanity came into existence after that! Since then, he sometimes gifted a stone and sometimes a wheel, sometimes a radio and sometimes some junk of steel. But women! Will they ever know how important these things actually were! All they could see was how ugly those things were.

All in all, the world has developed and so has man… umm… a little bit. So we now understand what women want (Or at least we pretend we do). So how should we choose a gift? Let’s start with your girlfriend. (Imagine one; I know you don’t have it in real.)

You know every girl has that one guy who she loved but could never get. And one guy who was crazy about her and could never get her. And then there’s you who accidentally slipped a text saying I love you to her instead of her hot friend who you actually aimed for. Well, while the first guy is the lucky one, our aim is to find the second guy.
You know him? Brilliant!
Catch him and ask him what he would give to her as a present.
Make a list of everything he says. Congrats, you now have a list you can cut off from the options.  Well there was a reason he couldn’t get her, wasn’t there!

Next up: Find a shop. Cosmetics is the easiest way to go, so dig a little deeper, do some research, consult some female friends, watch some ads and well… buy the product that is displayed on the poster outside the mall. This isn’t your final gift, this is to accompany the major one in case she gets pissed off at that, which, let’s face it, she will.

Now, major gift. We have many options. Dedicating a poem, making a scrapbook, singing a song or making a mix tape of her favorite songs, this is what you do when you’re broke and she’s mad about you. Otherwise go the classic way, shed some bucks!

In that category, we put the gifts that wealthy people give. Like, throwing her a surprise party (this way you’ll also get to talk privately to the hot friend), giving her a day off in a luxury spa or maybe giving her treat at the best restaurant of the city.

Now here’s where I come to your rescue. Now who wants to spend money when there is an easy way out! Since ages, man has ignored one fact that every woman knows about him, that he is stupid when it comes to understanding women. He can be a rocket scientist, a top-notch percussionist, a world-famous writer or maybe a gold medalist athlete, but he is stupid. And we don’t have to be embarrassed about that, because frankly, who has even tried!

So when you don’t understand her, you won’t obviously know what kind of food she will prefer on her b’day night or what friends she’d like to invite in her birthday party. Now here are two ways to get that done.

1)      The hard work: This is the one you’re gonna say you used. Here you talk to her for an hour daily, make a list of her favorite things and her best friends, ask her every freaking detail about her choices and obviously, getting her a mix tape of her favorite songs. (What’s with girls and Enrique I’ll never know, right!?)

2)      The hot friend: This is the one you’re actually gonna use. Remember everything you had to do? Just make a list and ask her hottest (and the best) friend to do the honors. You just make the tape and get the credit.

Some pointers here. You see every group of girls has that one hot girl on whom everyone tries his luck. And we all know your girlfriend ain’t that girl. So if you have trouble finding the best hot friend, either you are with her (Which is not possible) or this group doesn’t have that girl (in that case, you’re a moron and I forbid you from reading further!)

To all the girls who are mad at me, isn’t this girl cute? 😀

If in case you forgot to think of a gift well before the occasion, do one of these things. Open any collage making software, find 4-8 pictures of her and scramble them on a mushy background. Decorate it with some stars, bells, maybe a santa hat and get it printed. Stick a chocolate above, good to go!

In case you have to wish belated. Get ready with a 20 minute long speech of why you could not wish her on time since your very important interview and bad health struck at the same time. And then with the aforementioned gift, stick a sorry card and one “best girlfriend” card too.

Girls, who have been wondering that how none of this post was true and how they don’t like gifts this way and how feelings matter more and how they’d prefer a simple message over an expensive necklace, I whole heartily apologize for spreading such nonsense, but this will get you better gifts from now on.

Anyway, this post is over, as you all know I am a published author now. This Tuesday you’ll get to see my book online. Do buy it, though I won’t recommend gifting that to your partner 😉

Hello… I have been a little busy, evident from the frequency of my blog posts. So what I did was to ask for help on my fanpage and surprisingly, I got a huge response when I asked for a co-author for my next post. Seeing that, I decided something, the month of april is going to be a co-authored post month.
And here is the first article in that series, from me and my co-author, a person known to many of you from “5 questions guys can’t answer”, Akanksha sharma! In this, we have tried to help out the other girls, in case they need some dating advice, basically, How to impress and ask a guy out!

What guys need? Is the basic question in every girl’s mind.
Well, in general they need a girl who is caring, understanding, funny and kinda intelligent. Forget what I said if you’re hot!

love is in the air

 

So here are some ways to help you get going into a guy’s heart. Remember, all the ways have not actually been tested, but legends say they work.

  • Now when your mother says “Way to a man’s heart is through his tummy” listen to her.
    Prepare His favourite dish for him (and if can’t, then order it from somewhere and tell him that you’ve made it for him). Once his mouth opens, he will say yes to anything you say, if you know what I mean.

    Alter: Just text him that you like him!

 

 

  • Wait for your birthday. Guys love asking a girl what she wants for her birthday. Ask for a special b’day gift, and now ask him out (and if he is confused then use the weapon known as “Emotional Blackmail”).

 

Alter: Just text him that you like him!

 

 

  • Try to be close to him for some time. Not chipku but close, there’s a difference, a mosquito is chipku who you just want to kill, a pug who you just pet is close. Now take that figuratively and read on. Befriend his mother! Hah ! that’s it, guys always like girls liked by their mothers.

Alter: You know! Just text him that you like him!

  • Watch his favourite movie even if you hate that to the core and use some of its dialogues on the timing. HE WILL FALL FOR YOU FOR SURE!!!
    Guys like the girls with similar choice. Now this task is tough for most girls because they’d generally not want to watch space movies and well… other types… of movies!

    Alter: Guess what!

  • In the pre historic times, when tribal women used to like a guy, they used to throw a bone at him to indicate their crush. Now things have changed, but man hasn’t. Throw him a bone. Not literally, dumb! Go and give him something, maybe a shirt or a sweater or… well, even a hanky would do, just embroider your and his name inside a little red heart. Beneath that, a kiss leaving your lipstick mark would add to the magic.
    This works when you’re really close. But when you’re really close and still not together, I’d advise to rethink.

    Alter: Did I become too serious there? This close thing is crap, just text him that you like him!

 

I know my ways were toooooo good. But still there might be some girls who would actually be looking forward to ask a guy out instead of just screwing around. So here’s a nice write up to help them. http://www.wikihow.com/Ask-a-Guy-Out

In the end, I would like to thank Akanksha for making this second co-authored post with me. Just like last time, it will be hard for her to find out what points she had actually written 😛

Next 4 posts will be co-authored as well, stay tuned and you’re gonna love it 😉

Hello everyone..

 After the 9 step guide to dating was a hit, I was thinking of telling you all some more ways to get into the world of romance. And guess what, i couldn’t think of any! But still, i have to keep the blog running right!
So here I am going to tell you 5 awesome and unique ways to ask a girl out. These ways are NOT copied from the playbook, are working if followed properly, and well, crap!

The best thing about these ways is the uniqueness blended with uselessness!!

So read carefully, and tell me what you liked the most.

Will you..!!!??

Way1.

As they say dogs are man’s best friend, use it! Buy/rent a dog and make friends with it. Train it in a way that it stops when you command. Now make the dog drink some wine, (or bhang for desi style) and set it after the girl you like.
When she is running for her life, ask her out and stop the dog only when she says yes.

Pros: 100% yes

Cons: don’t overdose the wine or you might have to run for your life!

Way2.

This one is rather less violent. Here you are going to use cows and maybe buffaloes, depending on the size of their tails. We need cattle with tail sizes around 1-2 feet. Tie them together and make a heart, show it to the girl, she won’t like the mess, but the concept is awesome, trust me!

Pros: she’ll like the uniqueness (given you try it instantly before the public reads my blog)

Cons: farts, tail dirt, cow dung, etc etc..

Way3.

So we got a little too inclined towards animals didn’t we? So here’s something human. The most awesome and working way. The wingman! Just hire a friend to play a bit for you and go towards the target girl. Let your friend ask her out and fail. You go, spread your charm (if exists) and win.!

Pros: theory of comparison works on girls.

Cons: don’t hire a friend like me, you might never see the girl again!

Way4.

This one is a bit tricky and expensive. You need to have a band of singers, a romantic place and a cowboy hat. Wear the hat, make them sing and get the girl to the place (she’ll come if u say there are 3 more friends)

Now tell her the friends cancelled and if she would like to go on more of such dates.

As the place and music is romantic, chances are that she’ll say yes. What? You want to know the use of cowboy hat? No, that’s just to make you look funny.!

Pros: She’ll say yes seeing the romance in the air.

Cons: You’re wearing a cowboy hat! And it’s expensive unless you own the band!

Way5.

Try this, meet her and straight forward ask her out. Be a man and don’t be a loser that you have to read and learn from a blog on how to ask her out. (no offence) this is indeed the best way out there!

Pros and Cons don’t really exist in this one, all depends on your courage!

So i guess i am done, i’d personally recommend way2, i haven’t seen that in practical application so it would be fun seeing a heart made with cow tails!

Good luck 😛

So this is an article about 5 questions that girls ask and guys can’t answer. This is the first time I have a co-author with me. So ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, Akanksha Sharma. She was instrumental in helping me with the questions, and well, wherever I went overboard talking about girls 😛

And before you start reading this article here are a few rules I should make clear

a)      If you’re a guy and in a relationship, you should know and learn what this article says.

b)      Oh you’re a married Guy, very sad, moving on, read this and since you’ve experience, share more!

c)       You’re a single Guy (And hot), read this and remember, you have an edge over all your single friends, hence more chances of getting girls..!!

d)      You’re a single guy (not hot and not talented), read this, praise me, and then go back listening to your Justin Beiber CD

e)      You’re a GIRL! Read this, don’t curse me, and tell me if you found any of this true… And give me your number (hey I don’t make the rules!)

PS: All the above rules are crap… umm… And so is the article… But you have already wasted a minute reading all this… waste 2 more and read further…   Keep your mind in fridge and go on reading!

So we’re talking about 5 things that a guy can’t answer… Obviously things that a girl asks… let’s roll with it.

Girls vs boys

1.       Am I looking good!!?

So what’s the deal with this question? See, every girl in the world is born with a deep down feeling of superiority about her looks over the entire mankind. But saying yes can be problematic as she might think you’re just trying to flatter her, while saying no!!! boy!! Don’t even think about it coz this might lead to severe bruises.

So how should you answer?

  1. Nice, specially this new hairstyle, looks awesome! (She won’t complain since you noticed something new.)
  2. Apparently, Black suits you way more than any other girl. (Criticize other girls and you’re good to go.)
  3. Heyyy… let’s go shopping! (Always works!)

2.       Hey, do you think she is more beautiful than me?

Yes… I know she is, but you don’t say that. Saying yes or no both lead to same conclusion, “YOU CHECKING HER OUT” and even though you were, you shouldn’t admit that!

So how should you answer?

  1. Sorry, never noticed her except for her clearly visible poor dressing sense. (as I said, Criticize other girls and you’re good to go)
  2. Who said that, no girl in the world is more beautiful than you, except for megan fox (Using a famous personality won’t make her jealous, you’re safe.)
  3. Heyyy… let’s go shopping! (Always works!)

 3.       Why don’t you understand me? (Or, what’s with that ego? Or actually anything)

There is this one simple rule with girls, NEVER SAY YOU’RE WRONG!!!!  If you’re wrong, admit that you’re wrong. If she’s wrong, again, admit that you’re wrong. Girls can sound dumb, cute, lovable and sad all at the same time. In Guys, only Chelsea fans do that.

So how should you answer?

  1. I know, I am dumb, I need you (blah blah…. Keep on going…)
  2. I am just so excited to be with you that I make such mistakes. (this line is so good    that you might even get to watch a whole cricket match with her!)
  3. Heyyy… Let’s go shopping! (You know that!)

toughest questions

 4.       Do you remember when we first met (and you first gifted me some thing, and my b’day, and my mom’s b’day and my brother,sister,father etc. etc. etc…)

One thing is clear, normal guys don’t remember ALL the dates. A few might be OK, but if you remember ALL, go get yourself checked. So the rest 98.4 % guys who are normal, don’t make a random guess in this part because that will finish the chances of your b’day getting anything special. And saying No, well, is worse than suicide.

So how should you answer?

  1. I think we’re together from ages (it’s cheesy, but works many times)
  2. Yes I do (Use that calendar in your phone, moron!)
  3. Heyyy… let’s go shopping (do I need to say why!)

5.       Tum kitna badal gaye ho. Hai na?

The BAAP of all questions. Now how the hell would someone remain unchanged over years? And girls are the ones who complain about your bad hairstyle, dressing sense and other habits at the first place. But if this is what you say to her, book a bed in the nearest hospital.

So how should you answer?

Even I don’t have an answer to that. Do tell me if you have one!

Before concluding let me quote these lines directly from a girl’s heart… (to prove that boys aren’t that bad 😛 )

Behind every Mischief of a young boy, there’s always this innocent lad for whom food means mother’s recipe.

Behind every pair of notorious eve teaser eyes, there’s a nostalgic brother, who cherishes all the memories of his sister all his life

Behind that firm masculine physique lies a soft heart, which, when discovers the true essence of love, beats only for the princess he fancies.

Behind that firm square jaw line, there’s a father who deeply cares for his little angels.

So we’re done here. I guess most of you would agree to me in this and the rest would be girls. But deep down, even they know its right. Though I don’t guarantee the success of the 3 answers I have given with every question because they need to be delivered with a perfect expression and timing with optimum confidence. (Hence, most people fail!)

In the end I would like to do two things, apologise to the girls who unnecessarily and without reason felt offended 😛
And thank my co-author Akanksha for providing me a better insight over the topic (Trust me, I had some before too 😛 )



Hi all. Yes Yes.. I know you all have been waiting for me to give you the pearls of my knowledge on this topic. Believe me, I was more desperate than you to do the same, it’s just that I had so much to write about our government, I didn’t get time for it. But now our govt. has asked me to stop doing it (now I am also a proud owner of a Swiss bank account!) So let’s continue with your guide to dating.

A lot of people ask me, what exactly a date means. What do we do when we go on a first date, and what should be the exact steps to follow. So I have made this simple step by step guide for people going on a date first time (And basically last time if u actually think of following this)
Remember, this is going to be long, but you’ll not be bored 😛

1.)    Getting a date

Don’t be desperate and frustrated, unless you’re an engineer!
First things first, who are you? A guy? Or a girl? If you’re a guy, be bold, confident, forward, fit, elegant, nicely dressed and supremely talented and then you might get a date. If you’re a girl, congrats… you don’t need anything, let’s go to step two.

2.)    Once you’ve asked her out/ have been asked out by him
What!! You’re a girl and you asked him out!! You’re lame and he’s gay… get out!
Now the other 99.983 % people who are still here, once you’re good to go, decide a place to meet.

Where you can go– Café/ bar/ lounge/ restaurant/Parks and well.. the weird library near my house (I always see couples going in there!)

Where you can’t go – Her house/ his house / your uncle’s house/anyone’s house and don’t even dare going around some place where shiv sena people have been spotted earlier… they are a pain in the ass (I mean literally!!!)

3.)    What to wear

It’s a painful task to decide what to wear. You should not wear something which never reflects your personality because that would be lame. Guys can wear simple shirts and trousers or full sleeve shirts tucked in jeans. For a difference, try wearing goggles that salman used in dabbang and the overalls barney Stinson once wore!

Girls can wear anything, guys never really concentrate unless you show off something other than your fingernails.

4.)    Once u’re in!
Now that you two are together, it’s a point where you need to know more about the person. You know to see if you can date him/her in future as well. But First, order something you moron, it’s not a personal interview.
Once you’ve ordered,
Guys, start with basics… for example, “Hey do you know who wrote Julius Caesar?” if she answers that, leave it, she’s too smart for you, finish your cappuccino and get the hell outta there.
Girls, you can ask anything related to your friends, like “Hey, have you heard what jyoti did yesterday”… if he answers that correctly, whoa, u got a girl in a guy mask sitting there with you, get rid fast!

5.)    Building the conversation.

Now that you know what to talk
Guys, ask something different and common, like “u remember our national bird” and give a little pause… If she senses that you’re stuck and says pigeon or parrot, kudos! U got a bimbo sitting around! Remember, she won’t even know anything about VAT and service tax, a little skill and u can get her to pay the bill. (Did u notice that rhymed!)
Girls, you can show him four fingers and ask him how many, if he answers anything other than four, either he’s crazy or you’re crazy!
Next up, if he/she has passed all these tests,

What to talk about — friends, movies , Relationships, songs, football and my blog
What not to talk about – girlfriends, Tamil movies, your own relationships, Justin Beiber songs, chelsea and well, this article on my blog!

Now if you’ve read The Facebook dude, you must know this, if she says she loves ET, Star track or any other space movie,
MARRY HER!!!!! And if she knows any footballer other than Messi and Ronaldo, Propose her right away!!!
Also, if the girl says she likes rock music, first check that if she is actually a girl or not, once you’re sure, MARRY HER!!!!!

6.)    I am finished with things I ordered, what next!
Simple, ask for the bill and a breezer (if u’re in a bar). Now when the bill comes,
Guys, Just give her a little look, so that she can insist on paying the bill… she asks for two times, then let her pay, you’re a moron if you’re still paying! And yes, save the breezer.
Girls, remember he’s a guy and he’s supposed to pay. But also remember, since I am famous, he has read the above line and will look at you, so beware of that killing look which is gonna get u to spend 4-500 bucks unnecessarily.

7.)    Gift!!
This one is basically for guys, as girls aren’t supposed to gift anything on first dates (Only if I knew that on mine!!)
What you can do is to buy something that she likes, wait, she is a girl, she’ll like everything expensive… so are you ready for that? Don’t answer, I know you’re not.
But remember that little baby hugging a small girl on a ship, yes the same showpiece your mom got as a gift on her 42nd b’day, that’s not laying eggs at your home, the only reason it was manufactured was that you could give it to someone else. Carry on the tradition!

8.)    Bill paid, talked.. now what!

Now this is the tricky part, at this point, guys need to take deep breaths, in order to make sure that the date actually went this far even when you’re a filthy loser who follows a blog guide to dating!
And girls, well what can I say, if girls can get 43 likes and 123 comments on their “good morning” status so they can do anything!
Now it’s time for the last talks and to give a finishing touch to your date.

So you liked her? Tell her, it was nice, will love to do it again.
And if you didn’t, just praise the weather, tell her how much you like the smile of her roommate and you’re done.

Girls, if u liked him.. Wait!!! You liked him? Really? You have many options, India only has 900 girls on every thousand boys, and the rest hundred would do anything for you! Think again!
If u didn’t, boy!!! This is gonna be tough, getting rid of a guy who spent around 1000 bucks on you while he could have bought a brand new FIFA cd!!! All the best!

You know last time that happened to me, I snatched the girl’s purse and ran away!

9.)    Getting back
Guys, Remember the breezer you ordered, time to enjoy that while you sit on a lonely chair in your room in front of your computer as you watch some b-grade movie! C’mon You just enjoyed a date that couldn’t go worse!
And yes, Girls, you don’t have to think much, just reply a smiley to the guy who messaged you the other day, you have another free outing ready for tomorrow, and be careful, don’t send a heart or you might just kill a poor soul.

If you’ve successfully (rather unsuccessfully) followed these 9 steps, contact me, I really want to see that sign of frustration on your face!  And remember, going on a date these days is more important than having a 9 page resume.

So the next time you go on a date, even if you don’t follow the 9 points, follow this opposite of the one thing which people always say, “Just Don’t be yourself!”  Coz once you are being yourself, you won’t need the 9 points to spoil your date. 😉

PS: a few puns were inspired from a famous comic duo i know, so thank you link 😛