Archive for December, 2011

Disclaimer: None of the contents in the article is meant to offend any individual/group/community. I hope you would read it in the same spirit and don’t mind the words.
Still if you mind it, I am really sorry for your sad attitude and your family and relatives who have to tolerate you.

Hello, Ladies, Gentlemen and Chelsea fans. By my previous articles, my love for football is pretty much clear to everyone. So on a popular demand, here I present to you a Football special article.

Now those 85% of my readers, who think they should skip this one, DON’T!! Why? Simple, because I won’t be using any football terminologies or anything you won’t understand. I am just expressing a simple view of a football fanatic for the rare, unfortunate, underprivileged and a disgruntled species called Chelsea fans!!
(PS: all those who don’t know about Chelsea, replace the name with your worst enemy’s)

Let there be light. Let there be rock. After these two magical sentences came the third one, let there be football and hence the men learned to enjoy. But as they say, too much goodness is harmful, so to make that even, Chelsea was born.

People make jokes on every famous thing, that’s why Chelsea was safe!!

But then came a time when they won a title, I won’t say it was a fluke because in my opinion even a fluke needs an effort. And then they were known and people started making jokes on them.
The biggest sufferers were the ones who supported them. Legend is that they were paid even more to support than to play.

Since the start of premier league, Chelsea has been a popular name. Sometimes, even girls were named after the club. Poor girl, whole of her life she’ll be called Chelsea. Wouldn’t it have been better if she wasn’t named at all? Then we all would be like, “Hey nameless, thank god your name isn’t Chelsea!”

Since people dis them a lot, I will not do… well… Anything different!

I am not all against Chelsea fans, it’s only a part of me that says that, my middle finger!

I have heard/made a lot of jokes about them, sharing a few randomly on how to behave with Chelsea fans:

  • 4 steps to enjoy KFC chicken
  1. Go to KFC
  2. Order chicken
  3. Slap a Chelsea fan
  4. Eat the chicken!
  • When you talk to them, keep in mind, There are 4 levels of madness

Normal, Extreme, The balotelli level and lastly, the incurable, Chelsea fan level!

  • You must always know the difference between a Chelsea fan and an alien?
    The latter might have a few human qualities.
  • In case of an accident, if two people are injured and one is a Chelsea fan, always help him first.
    Reason: There is no risk of a brain injury(since there’s no possibility of a brain), life can be saved
    Also, who knows by saving him you just saved their community from getting extinct!
  • This one I included in my article, 5 questions guys can’t answer, “Girls have the special power of sounding cute, dumb, sad and lovable at the same time. In guys, only Chelsea fans do that.”
  • In other news, Chelsea fans are now supporting a new tagline, do the impossible… Though they have replaced impossible with “open goal”  #Torres
  • Oh and the name Torres makes me remember, we should support for the cause “Help those suffering with Autism”

I never get enough of it, have a lot more… you can also check out these links for some certainly epic jokes definitely not made by me!
Chelsea jokes
Chelsea Articles

Also, while concluding this, I’d say that I would love to present this article to a Chelsea fan, this way I make sure that my jokes suck less than the reader!

PS: I apologize if knowingly and on purpose I’ve hurt any Chelsea fan. You know I actually mean it right?

And again, I must say, I had to pick a certain club and take a case just to have fun. I don’t personally hate Chelsea, in fact I like the way they play.
Haha, just kidding… they suck!

Disclaimer part 2: If you reached this part and still think you didn’t like the article, i am pretty sure you’re a Chelsea fan! 😀

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Hello… You all must be happy that I am back right? Well it took a lot of effort. Waking up in these winters is a task I tell you!

Anyway, this post is a little different. Not about my or your view or the usual senseless things I say, this is about an award. Yep, the “Versatile Blogger” award. I never knew about this until I got one.

Thanks to Seena, I feel honored to have received the “Versatile Blogger” award. Also, I am happy because now I know that there is one more person who reads my blog, which increases my readership to… well… 3!

Here is a little speech… “ Thanks… I would like to thank everyone… My parents who have no idea I run this blog, My friend who likes every post of mine with 15 fake profiles, My readers and critics (3 and 30 in number), the dog in my street that keeps barking while I write my posts hence providing me a background score, my extremely poor grades which inspire me to write and lastly, the reason behind this blog, Vellapan (also called faltupana).”

Moving on, since the rules of this prize giving thing are pretty clear, first let me state them.

1. Nominate 15 Fellow Bloggers

2. Inform the Bloggers of their nomination

3. Share 7 random things about yourself

4. Thank the Blogger who nominated you

5. Add the Versatile Blog Award picture to your blog post

Clever people eh! This way I’ll make sure these 15 people waste their 5 precious minute reading this. And hence I’ll get 15 readers for this post! 😛

So not making this blog post super long (like I always do) and super senseless (like I always do) and a laughter riot (like I never do)… let me get this straight.
PS: I am nominating only 10, this way I can make them feel more important 😛

First I nominate the 10 blogs I like to read by their owner names. (I read like a hundred blogs, so these 10 should send me chocolate boxes as a thanks)

In no particular order (most of them have no idea I am nominating them, it’s gonna be fun 😛 )

1. Dhanya
A senior and skilled blogger. Best when it comes to write personal posts.

2. Saru
Just go to the blog and you’ll automatically know why I said this.

3. Arti
When it comes to writing your experiences, I didn’t find anyone better!

4. Deb
And with this I am back to my favorite genre, comedy! Have fun reading that 😀

5. Snow leopard
My personal favorite. The man is In Fact, unpredictable and versatile.

6. Surya
Came across the blog through this nomination thing only. Found it awesome!

7. Sugandha
The blog is great and different, though I feel a little under rated. But as I know her better, the writing skills and the work she does is even more awesome.
Also check out NTMN to see some more of her (and my) work. (Which is in my blogroll too.)

8. Harsh
One of the best writers I met and personally knowing him is a pleasure. I can only say that if I ever publish a novel, his name would be there in the inspiration.  (Check out www.thewittyshit.com for more of our works)

9. Seena
I know she was waiting for this, that’s why didn’t do it in start 😛 But you deserve it.

10. The NRI
You can’t get a better blog to fit the definition of “versatile”!!

And yes, in the blogs that are too good to be mentioned here, I would name What ho, Whackk, and OuchMyToe.

And I would mention here, two more people, one who played a major role in the making of my blog, Ashish  and second, in making of whose blog, mine played a small role 😛 Soumya.
(I guess the total went to 15 anyway 😛 )

Oh, here is the pic of that “Versatile blog award” that I got. I hope these 10 people will also use this picture with my name in their blog (hence giving me a linkback). See, I am clever!

Now telling 7 random things about myself.

  1. I am much more senseless and pathetically funny then i sound in this blog.
  2. An engineer by mind and writer by heart, I like reading, dancing, singing, hacking, and all other things that can spare me from cramming useless formulas.
  3. I love pizza and I guess its high time for pizza hut to get me a share in their company.
  4. I love Manchester united, not like many wannabes, in fact so much that when we were kicked out of champions league, I didn’t let my cousin eat for two days!
  5. I am a Libra man, born on 21st October which is also the birth date of Alfred Nobel and the indian national army.
  6. A hard-core rock fan, AC-DC being my favorite. But that doesn’t stop me from listening to Mohd. Rafi and Kishor kumar who will always be the best.
  7. And yes, Barney Stinson and Chandler Bing. Two characters I am the biggest fan of, and its visible!!

Hmph… The post now comes to an end. I liked writing this one, and I hope you liked reading this one. Now go click on the links I have given and start reading. I know they are better than me, so here is an appeal like the Wikipedia guys do.

An appeal from the ABugInMyMind founder Shubham
Don’t forget me please… like my facebook page too” (and as the only alive receiver of Rajinikanth’s letter, I’d recommend doing that 😛 )

Hello all, you know the blog is famous right? 😛

 Yesterday a strange thing happened, I received an email which didn’t say anything except for the subject line “Open the attachment in a cool and dry place”. Obviously I opened it and found this letter that I am sharing with you all. It’s a letter from Rajinikanth, containing a few myth busters about him. Since what follows is said by him, Do Believe it!!! (Even if it’s not about him 😛 )

Read on:

So they are on again!! These kids I tell you, they just keep on blabbering about me.
Oh Hi..!! I am Rajinikanth… It’s my birthday and I am crying… And why shouldn’t i? Do you think I like all those jokes being made on me? They have made me a superhero!
And I am bored now! When I asked Zuckie to make Facebook, a thousand posts daily about me wasn’t something I wanted. And moreover, most of them are false, they don’t contain any truth about me.
Anyway, it’s my birthday, so I thought, why not tell you a few myths about me through this super awesome and cool blog read by over 100 people. Before you move on, pardon my poor English, Oxford dictionary will soon be updating its database with mine.

Well… To start with, they say “I was playing cricket, I hit a six and the ball was lost. Since then it’s known as the planet Pluto!!”
Ridiculous!!  Pluto was not formed when I was playing cricket… it was a game of shot-put and I am ashamed that I fouled so it remained in the same galaxy!! Stop embarrassing me people!!

Next thing I heard was, My school time notes are today known as Wikipedia!!
I wonder why someone would spread such a stupid rumour about me. Is that even possible! Wikipedia is the result of what I used to scribble on my house walls when I was 4!! My high school notes are confidential. (The US govt. didn’t want the theory of relativity to be proven wrong!)

I don’t like it when people don’t get their facts right. They say After Graham Bell invented the telephone, he got two missed calls from me”.
What are you thinking? I didn’t give the miss calls? Oh no… but do you really think RAJINIKANTH would give MISS calls! Those were proper rings which his deaf wife didn’t hear!!

This is just a start, I am also frustrated by the fact that people think I rotate the earth!!”
NO!!! I just angrily pushed it once!! Rest is all Galileo’s concept. It’s like they don’t even know the basic science!! Idiots!

One thing which I always feel bad about, is the never ending comparison. They all say, all Rajinikanth jokes are inspired from chuck Norris. And some also ask “Who will win if there’s a fight between Rajinikanth and chuck?”
Frankly, I don’t want to answer that. You tell me, how you would feel if you had a kid whom you taught everything and now people start comparing you to him!

You… why are you looking back?  I am talking to you!! You tell me, is it right if people say you’re a filthy loser who is pointless about his own life? I mean, I know it is correct but you won’t feel good if someone says that on your face right? So my situation is kinda similar!

When people say things like “Only Rajinikanth can count the number of stars” and “Rajinikanth doesn’t need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates”  I take it as a personal insult! Why would people say that!! Even if it’s true, this is not something I am proud of. Do you know while travelling back to India when I jumped from the tower of Pisa, it bent due to my weight! Please stop referring to such incidents, it’s humiliating!!

Well… this is just a glimpse of what terrible things people say about me! You can always Google for more of my jokes, though I would recommend not to because Google also updates its database from my diary!

Rajini Facts

I hope you now know what I am actually. On a serious note, I am a Tamil actor/writer who has won 36 awards as a star. Though everyone seems to know that I can turn black holes to white, no one might know that I won a Padma Bhushan for my contribution to the film industry.
For all those who are still looking for humour in the post, I don’t know the two people who shake hands in the nokia mobile and for heaven’s sake don’t ask me the Victoria’s Secret!!!!

So the next time someone asks me anything about that, I’ll kill him by a wink!!!

PS: I also don’t have any idea why this kolaveri di!!

PPS: This blog is awesome!

A note from the author:

It’s been 12 days since I brought the last post, though I have no idea why someone would like this but I guess Rajinikanth is there, I’ll get record hits anyway. Since the letter is by Rajinikanth, do believe all things he said, including those about the blog 😛

 

<Updated>
I got record hits on the post as expected 😀
See the post on http://blog.thewittyshit.com/2011/12/16/a-letter-from-rajinikanth-birthday-special/ as well 🙂