Archive for August, 2011

The Movie Cum News

Hi… you know me right… why wouldn’t you!! You start your day with me, and most of you even end your day with me. Sometimes I make you happy and sometimes I am the reason of your sadness. Sometimes it’s just me and you… I am not your newspaper or TV! I am the news which you read in it.

There was a time when people used to read me from inner pages of newspaper and watch me other than prime time too! But now I am confined to front page and Page 3!
These days I have become monotonous, I find myself caged! I feel like people have forgotten what I used to look like. There was a time when people used to get excited when they heard I have arrived. There was a time when I used to be about different things. These days it’s just me and one hot trending topic. It’s like I am some person who doesn’t have his own house and keeps renting apartments… months get over and apartment changes, but I remain the same monotonous and not at all beneficial!
I remember those good old times when there was this one channel for me. Everyone watched that. I was so glad that I was given national importance. Only good people felt pride when I carried their name with me. I don’t know what changed with the course of time but I sure am not the same! Now it’s not a matter of pride to be named with me, but just another routine for some people. Good, bad, ugly, creepy, real, fake, talented, stupid, corrupts all kind of people are the same when it comes to me now. That one channel which glorified me, now even that refuses to mention me! People have made several homes for me now. U can see me everywhere and on tons of channels. But I am not what they show me.
I am news! I am about everything that happens near you. I am not a single trend, I am about the masses! I don’t wish to be about some superstar who can do every possible thing! I wish to be about someone who actually deserves to be a part of me.

I was happy when I first heard about anna hazare. Actually it brought a change in me, I was tired of talking about a cricket team losing all the time. But then what happened…

People forgot that there are other things in the world.
Sensex, my old time fellow which moved a million hearts with it all the time jumped up and down like crazies but no one gave a damn to it!
The losing team lost many more matches but no one cared!
The world champ usain bolt was disqualified from a race and no one seemed to know.
The famous indian tennis duo Bhupathi and Paes won a doubles title and anyone didn’t pay heed to that.

I remember how Wikileaks was once very important when I carried its name, it published so many new things but people weren’t bothered about it.
Everyone used to blabber so much about price hikes in Oil and Petrol… no one even knew when they raised it recently.
And above all, the MIG-21 used to be a big issue in India but when one of them crashed this month killing the pilot, I didn’t even hear a squeak !

All I want to say is that it’s good to support someone and to make that a news, but is it correct to just make that such a big issue that you turn deaf towards other topics which once used to have the same place? And on the same time you are giving importance to some weird girl getting some facelift and some idiot doing a fast just to gain fame (I am not talking about anna, he’s fine) or some crappy fellow doing his own swayamvar!

There were days when every issue had its own importance and people could pay attention to many things at a time. But now it’s like everything either has to be breaking news or nothing!
People sometimes say that most rape cases in India are in Delhi and U.P, I disagree to that… Most rape cases in India are on the TV channels where I am being raped daily! I am not what they show… I am a lot more than anna hazare and way more important than a swayamvar.
I am something that keeps you all aware and updated. Please don’t take me for granted. You need to understand my importance and give me a proper space. I am not only on the prime time on TV and not only on Front page and page 3! You can find me on other pages too…

I think I have said enough, hope you understood what I wanted to say… I might have got carried away at some point, kya karu… news hu na…! I don’t know how to express myself, I am generally expressed by some other reporters and newsreaders, not to mention I am being misinterpreted most of the time but I thought this was a high time to come forward and tell you all that I AM NEWS!! And I am A LOT MORE THAN ANNA!!!

Author’s note: –  Pardon the different title, I just matched it with the movie name coz I could not instil much humour in the article acc. to its genre.

I am an Indian. All Indians are my brothers and sisters. I love my country.

I think this pledge should be modified now. We need to insert a line in it saying “I will always watch Bollywood movies with full energy and excitement regardless of its story and script, and I will try to make it a hit.” Because otherwise I don’t see a point in releasing Bollywood movies in India these days. When we know that every single citizen of India likes to watch Hollywood movies and though most of them watch them because they like them, there are also people who watch them just because they aren’t Bollywood movies. It’s like a class for them and an issue of standard. If you read my previous article “are you a Facebook dude” , you will easily detect such kind of people among masses.

Ok one thing quick, if you think in this article you’ll see jokes like “what if dharam paji was in titanic” or “what if rajinikanth was the hero of terminator” plz stop. This article is even worse.

So I was thinking about all this and then I thought (yes, sometimes thoughts come to my mind too) that what can the Bollywood guys do to make their movies as good as those from Hollywood. One idea would be to spend more, act better, use better technology, employ more people, get a better script, a better cinematography and blah blah blah… which we all know isn’t happening.

So here’s another idea (we Indians are so good at jugad aren’t we). Why not we make a hindi remake of the Hollywood movies. Just think about it. No story required, no different script needed, all the heroines dying to do vulgar scenes get a treat, all the actors like emran hashmi would start working for free, audience will enjoy and I hear the censor board is also passing movies without watching these days. Since this idea came to my mind, I thought what if we start doing it and how about a few Hollywood movies for starters. Here’s my plan.

We will start from the epic series HARRY POTTER. Since its one of the biggest Hollywood flicks and doesn’t expect any further parts from Hollywood. Here we will name it “Aaj ka Jaadugar”. Lead role can be played by Uday chopra , since he’s a wonder kid and after such a terrible career he is still alive is no less than a magic. Now we have a clear contender for voldermort too, Mika… Who else can live without a nose right!!

Another movie that strikes my mind is Mission impossible. As the 4th part is in the pipeline and people are pretty excited to watch it, we’ll release our MI just after that one and in a much bigger avatar. Our MI will have Abhishek bachchan as a hero and the selling point of the movie is that it’s based on a real life story, abhishek bachchan surviving in Bollywood was obviously a mission impossible and he did it (we even gave him a reward called Aishwarya). The best thing about the movie is that eminent personalities like salman and vivek would be the negative leads!

What’s fun is the next movie, SPIDER MAN… as the 4th part is being released without the well-known spider man, we have a good scope for the movie in India.  For the role of spider man we have the evergreen Jeetendra. He can sure jump from place to place. The role of his girlfriend can be given to Neha dhupia coz she also has no value in the industry and is available all the time(that’s what spidey’s girlfriend does right?)

We in Bollywood have a big advantage, RAJINIKANTH, so if anyone can’t play a role in any movie, we will ask him to do it.

Enough about movie series, let’s talk about some single part hits.

Like 300.That movie can easily be made in Bollywood with the name  “ ANNA – A biography” I think he had even less than 300 supporters initially when he started the movement.

The movie “Silence of the lambs” will feature our PM Manmohan Singh for obvious reasons.

“The losers” in Bollywood will have 11 heroes… (You guessed it right, me talking about our cricket team)

“dirty rotten scoundrels” in India would be featuring Kalmadi, Raja and Kasab. There will be a guest appearance by Digvijay singh too.

We can’t have a better suited person for the lead role in “Father of the bride” than Prakash padukone (Deepika padukon’s father if u don’t remember the name) coz he has the most desperate daughter in the whole universe.

“The babysitter” will have Simi garewal  as the lead as she’s doing sort of a same job In her latest show.

After all these big movies coming Bollywood way, I think there’s a great scope for even bigger hits in future. People like Steven Spielberg have already showed their interest in Bollywood movie titles (Avatar is a hindi word right??)  and if we have such flicks in our hand, the time isn’t far when we’ll see people paying money to watch Bollywood movie dvds(which is a rare scene these days).

 

 

On the occasion of the 64th Independence Day, the Govt. has decided to declare the whole week (15th – 21st ) as independence special week in India. Under the special arrangements made by the government for this week, the biggest one is Exclusive footage of Dr. manmohan singh. Other benefits include 1 paisa relaxation in petrol price and a 3 minute ban on Rakhi sawant speaking anything publically.

Back to the Footage part, According to our sources, in some of the video clips, Manmohan Singh is seen talking.  Reports also say that a video called “Dhamaka Video” will also be released by the centre in which PM has even said a few words to MADAM JI herself.

When our reporters asked our very (un)respected leaders about the matter, here’s what they said…

Digvijay singh: I know about the video. In fact I was the one who recorded one of those (he also showed us his new E7 phone). And about the Dhamaka video, well the public might just have to wait for it.

Sushma Swaraj: Pradhan mantri ji ki is karastani ka hume pahle se shak tha. In fact I also think that he had his opinion on the Mumbai blasts too, though we don’t have a proof yet.

Soniya Gandhi: this is all a conspiracy by foreign powers just to degrade the image of Manmohan Ji. Neither he has spoken and nor will he ever speak unless asked. She agreed to the independence special week celebrations but she also said that those celebrations were just to intensify her India-Return celebrations.

Rahul Gandhi: its more than a hoax this time. I smell something fishy here but I don’t think that any such videos will affect our public image. In fact a few that I have personally seen, will just add to it.

Sheila: I am too sexy for you, mai tere hath na aani!!! (that was her phone which rang before the interview could start and she found an escape)

Manmohan ji decided to remain silent over the whole issue.

The general public seems to be very excited about the video. According to an email by One of our readers, it would be really nice to see Manmohan ji speak on occasions other than 15th august and 26th jan.  After the famous Hrithik-Aishwarya kiss in Dhoom2, the Dhamaka video has become the most Awaited and unpredictable thing in our country.

Since this seems to be one of the very few steps of government which has pleased the general public, we are hopeful that release of these videos might also be a start of a new era where we’ll also see our leader speak (something awaited since the second last elections! )

According to not-so-trusted sources, it’s now widespread news that the English cricket board has decided to gift the fourth test match in the on-going series to the Indian cricket team.

The board president said “we have already won more than what we expected… while we are tired and all the players need some rest, we think Indian players have helped us in many ways to achieve this milestone and they also deserve a sympathy win”
He also expressed his wish of arranging a special test match for Sachin Tendulkar where they’ll allow underarm bowling and no more than 3 fielders will be there on the field at a time. He said “we really want Sachin to complete his 100th century… we’ve been talking to ICC to just grant him the 100th one in honour of his 99, but if that doesn’t happen then we’ll organize this test match for sure”

When asked that if there’s some other reason behind this gift, he told the media that they had observed signs of depression among the Indian players and they did not want them to just run away without playing as they still want to win the ODI series.

Acc. To the In-form bowler Broad, Indians really need some soothing and relaxing yoga sessions to realize their inner strengths. He said “I never had imagined that a person like Sehwag will refuse to face my bowls, and Raina would complain of chest pain as soon as he sees  me coming towards him”

On the same topic Cook also had an opinion… he said “I have always admired the way Indians have respected good batting. When I started playing well, they did not want to get me out. Gifting them the fourth test would be a nice way to show our gratitude”

Reports also say that one of the English players saw MS Dhoni crying in the bathroom while he was passing by.

When harbhajan was asked his opinion on all this, he said “I respect the decision of English board… personally I would say that they should gift us one of the ODI matches too since me and dhoni are not in very good terms and there are many chances that we’ll lose that anyways.”

While Raina refused to answer any of the questions on the matter, Sehwag said he could not hear us properly and even fainted once.

Acc to the same not-so-trusted sources, BCCI has reportedly agreed to the offer and has also decided to let them arrange a charity match with all indian players and stuart broad against them. The match has already gained fame in England with the tagline “how much time will they stay”

Now that only formalities are left, this is probably the only good thing that might come out of this tour.

Reporter shubham

For FAKING NEWS.

Rakhi

When i was born, i didn’t know much about life..
Just saw someone was there to support me and her wishes for me were rife..
and that was you..

I did not talk.. i could barely walk.. many times i fell on land..
But every time someone was there to hold my hand..
and that was you..

I went to school, i made some friends..
But there was only one who would do my homework with her hands..
and that was you..
Sometimes shined.. sometimes i was bad.
There was someone who never let me get sad..
and that was you..

Times were good and times were rough..
There was someone whoz love for me was never enough..
and that was you..

I grew up.. i learned a lot..
Someone taught me whatever the situation might be, give your best shot..
and that was you..

Now that we don’t see each other that much..
You must know the bond can’t get weak as such..
and if there is a girl i have ever loved more than myself..
well.. that would be mom and not you.. 😛

Now i know you’ll read this and laugh.. but my poetries do have a range..
Yes, i know it wasn’t that good.. and my rhymes were strange..

I got no more words for what i feel, so this is it..
also that it was getting a bit emotional, where i don’t fit..

just want to end up saying

I am lucky to have two sisters who love me a lot..
I know you care for me, whether i am with you or not..

so this is for you Reenu and Shilpi di..

I have always loved you this much.. just the ways change.. a few years back it was a chocolate.. last yr an email.. and this year this stupid poem..
Just hang on.. one day i might gift something better..

Happy Rakhi.. 🙂

The first rakhiThe first rakhi

Gaur se dekhiye is aadmi ko.. iske masoom chehre pe mat jaiyega… asal me ye ek vahshi darinda hai…

Oh c’mon! Give me a break.

This is what all the news channels are showing these days.  A guy who eats stones, a lady who can see future, a child who remembers his previous birth!!! Where are those good old days when we actually got to see some NEWS on the news channels !!

Initially I thought TRP is a reason they’re showing this.. but who gives them the TRP?? Us. And who hates all this?? Us. So whats the purpose behind all this.

For instance, as I was watching a holi special program, an astrologer said.. “if u go playing holi at around 12 wearing red clothes and throw green color on a person with black clothes.. LABH HOGA!!”  WTF… oops sorry.. I wanted to say.. WTF.. yes, this only..  I mean how possibly one can enjoy holi under such weird restrictions!!!

Another weirdo on the same channel says something about vastushastra… acc to him the reason for the caller’s failure in life was his study table which was oriented towards south! I wonder if bill gates knew that, how much more successful he would have been.. poor guy has his whole office facing south!!

I don’t know how people can be fooled easily with this whole crap… how can u think that the reason of your failure in studies was a table lamp that was facing north and not your stupid message chats with your girlfriend all the time. And this is not it, there’s a lot more to go.

When we think about news , the first thing coming to our mind is our sweet government (yes I am being sarcastic). So here’s what the news channels show as breaking news when it comes to government

sarcozi ki girlfriend k bharat aane me hui adchan… kya karenge manmohan

Mayawati ne khareeda naya bangla… mulayam ne manga byora

Budget hoga aaj pesh, Sansad me kya fir se chalengi chappale

Where is the news that I wanted to see… what about the latest policies, what about the cabinet reshuffle, what about whats inside the budget!!!

These days the term BREAKING NEWS is used everywhere… seems like this term is becoming similar to reservation… used so much that now it should be put in general category

In Last few weeks, these were the breaking news.. “katerina speaks hindi on the sets of ZNMD” “harbhajan says I am not happy with dhoni’s statements” “ rakhi sawant to host Ajab Desh ki gajab kahani” so what about the new reports on the recent bomb blasts? And what about the big economic crisis taking place in the US?

And I don’t think there will be any guesses what was the biggest news last month (apart from rajhinikanth returning to india)… oh yes… HINA RABBANI… that was one of the most talked about persons in the whole media… as every indian now knows about her… there are a few who also know why she came here… rest only saw the breaking news which was “kya hina rabbani jitni khoobsurat mahila hamare cabinet me hai??”

And this was my personal favourite breaking news “Pakistan ne bheja bharat me ek aur bomb.. hina rabbani ne jeeta manmohan ka dil

There are a few things for which these channels have become famous too… for eg. A guy in a blazer and a pretty bad shave covers the whole screen… points his weirdly long finger at you and shouts “sansani me aapka swagat hai” and I am like “DUDE chill… the way you are shouting, I wonder the culprit might just die of heart attack!!”

Also there’s one uncle who comes to advise people about stocks… and he is so sure about everything that he can tell “reliance will gain a 100 rs by tomorrow” “bajaj is gonna lose for sure” and I want to ask him.. if you’re so sure why don’t u just buy like 10-20000 shares… why this little job… and on a more positive side why don’t u go and tell the ambanis what the company is gonna do tomorrow… they might just make you their partner!!

All in all… I think india needs a good TV experience and not INDIA TV experience… we have tolerated this AAJ TAK but not after this… and this is the time(S) now to tell them that we need some proper and real news.

Who cares if a man hasn’t slept in 10 days, just give him some sleeping pills… who cares if a child can eat 12 bananas at a time, just arrange his meeting with adnan sami…

But we do care about our country and we would like to know more about the recent developments, latest policies, good performances… none of us is interested in what cream shahrukh khan uses or what brand Amitabh endorses, we’re interested in what’s good for us and what’s better for the nation.

I guess this is it for now… but here is a question…  We all know how important media is and since it is inseparable , what can we do to improve its condition… ? I know we all might have an answer for this… but it’s time to execute.

Well here’s your guide to become a dude on Facebook..

Umm.. ok a quick question. Do you know who hina rabbani is? If yes then move on, you’re the right person to read this…

So people always ask me that what this word actually means. What should they do to become a DUDE…

Since you’re not a dude (I know) the best thing about Facebook is that you don’t have to see the person you’re chatting with (or scribbling actually these days)

Well… you see, a dude is basically a boy who is handsome , dynamic, talented, athletic, tall, and funny. And since I am saying you will become a one after reading this crappy guide, you must know all the things I said before are crap and you just need to keep a few red flags and green flags in mind. What are they? Consider them traffic lights on a cloth.. got it? Good.. now go.. (down)

First thing to keep in mind, are you a football fan?

If yes, green flag.. if not, become one… football is a necessary part of the whole DUDE concept.. you need not  learn the terminologies, just learn a few club names and a few famous players… also if your friends love soccer (yes I am still talking about the same thing) then NEVER , EVER, say that you like Chelsea coz this is like a red card for you in the field of dudes (yes, red card means ban)

So make events, like pages and post statuses like “I am a RED devil” etc etc…

Next thing, and probably much more important than football, is MUSIC. If u started singing FRIDAY or BABY just after hearing the word music then RED FLAG!!!  get out, you aren’t entitled for the rest of the guide. And if you didn’t,  then good, now keep this in mind, you can’t even think of loving people like Justin Beiber and Rebecca black, they’re like… umm… , well what can be worse!!!

So what should you like? This is simple.. you have to say I like rock even if you don’t… in case you don’t,  just learn these names, AC-DC, METALLICA, NIRVANA, LED ZEPPLIN, GUNS n ROSES and also a few like GREENDAY, THE SOLIDS and AEROSMITH. When your friends are talking about them , just say I love the song stairway to heaven and you’re good to go dude (yes, I just called u that)

So share the best rock videos and links time to time.

Now the next thing, the vehicle you drive… If u have a 200 cc bike and u know how to handle it… GREEN FLAG!! we all know bikes are hot. But you know what’s hotter, a guy who knows how to drive one. Oh yes, to become a dude you don’t actually need a bike… u just need to know a few terms like WHEELY, stoppy  etc… if u don’t know them, RED FLAG!! now that petrol is expensive, feel safe on your pleasure (why should we let girls have the fun) and keep in mind, that whenever a conversation about bikes starts in your so-called dude friends , you should be ready to spit out the sentences containing all those terms.

After all who wants to see you driving a bike on facebook…  a profile pic of you sitting on a karizma is more than enough.

As for another related thing, have some knowledge on cars… aston martin, Ferrari, Chevrolet, blah blah… if u don’t have this, RED FLAG!!! Cars are hot… every dude in the world is born with car loving gland right next to the heart…

Share a Bugatti Veyron pic on your wall right now!!!

Now that we are through with sports, music, and vehicles… here comes the most important part… girls… there are 2 kinds of girls, one who are sensible and other who actually exist. So as we have to concentrate on those who exist, we’re not gonna talk sense with them… talk rubbish and try to sound as emotional as u can… at the same time , never forget you’re a cool dude who loves speed and sports , so repeat these chants as soon as you’re done talking to them.. “eminem is the king of rap , beiber is the queen of crap” or “Manchester united is a hit and rest all is shit” (you can replace Man Utd with any club of your choice except for Chelsea)

Now this one is for those who want to try these abnormal things in real life…

There’s one thing that reflects your personality… Clothing… just because you’re a barney Stinson fan doesn’t mean you’re gonna wear suits… on dudes everything looks cool except for sleeveless tees in a lecture… wear T-shirts that have quotes on them… if there is a zoo-zoo or a Rajhinikanth quote on your Tee.. RED FLAG!!!

Well after reading all this I know you have a pretty good knowledge on how to become a dude on Facebook.

When you’re doing this stuff on Facebook , no one cares if you’re 15, if you’re a looser in reality and if you’re actually an all different gender!!!

It’s a world with lots of insecure, desperate and the most available (velle) kind of people… if you don’t wanna be one of them… its better to just laugh at this guide and think about how many of your friends actually do that. Believe me, if you’ll observe, there are a lot of people doing this (personal observation)

I am gonna end this with one thing, you are what you are, try to improve and not to imitate, or you might just become what we evolved from!!