Posts Tagged ‘rajinikanth’

If you were to ask my friends, I’d probably be the last guy to give any kind of advice on hair and hairstyles according to them. And hence, when I saw this post on Indiblogger to post something about ‘perfect straight hair’ I thought I shouldn’t do it. Since 1) I am a guy and this one seems to be a girls’ topic. 2) The aforementioned reason, were there, I closed the browser and started typing random stuff that came to my mind. And apparently, this post happened.

And now that I see, they actually wanted Crazy, Whacky and Weird Ideas only. So here we go.

Today is 12-12-12. A date which won’t appear for the next 100 years and we won’t be seeing such a repetition again for that much time (till the next 01-01-01 comes). So let’s add one more 12 to the count and roll with it.

  1. Remember those ‘center shock’ ads around 10 years back? They claimed they could get your hair straight. Although that chewing gum is hard to find now, you can still manage to make one at home. Mix some concentrated lemon juice with tamarind and dissolve around 2 Tablespoon salt in it. Drink it in one go, if you survive, it will be with straight hair!
  2. Ever had a grill sandwich? Yummy isn’t it. Now don’t switch off the grill after taking out the sandwich. Wrap silver foil around your hair and put them in it. Press the hood hard till you’re sure they’re straight (I’d recommend having someone around to keep a check on your breath… umm… in case it’s gone!)
  3. You won’t iron your hair, right? Coz that would be weird! How about using a steam iron though? At least make it trendy!
  4. This 12-12-12 thing reminds me that we won’t have such a repetition again. Or will we? Those who want a 13-13-13 can totally listen to Himesh’s song “Tera-Tera-Tera Surooooorrrrrr”. No matter what happens, I am pretty sure his voice will get you enough shocks to give an erection to your hair!
  5. Getting straight here isn’t tough, if you see that like this. Listen to “Dabangg 2” songs. ALL of them. Yes… ALL!!! I can bet that you’ll be pulling your hair so much in the meanwhile that they’ll become straight. Rock lovers, replace Dabangg with Justin Beiber.

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6. Let’s get a little sciency now. Take some iron nails and some feviquick. Empty the tube in a plate filled of the nails and before the nails stick to the plate, stick them to your hair. Now stick a magnet to your shoes and wear them. The nails  ttract to the magnet and the curls just vanish. See, who could tell what you learned in class 5 would help so much.

7. So we’ve tried Eatables, Instruments, Music and Science. What’s left? I’ll tell you. Kids. We all have that bunch of little weirdoes around who will do anything to make your time like hell. Every under-3-feet kid has this habit of pulling your hair when they’re irritated.

So lift one off the ground and in case he/she doesn’t pull your hair, there’s no harm in tickling a bit to get them to do it (Unless their parents are around.)
8. Are you rich? What? Yes? Will you marr… err… nothing. You must be having a garage and a car then. Go lie in your garage and roll over a car or a motor vehicle over your hair. They’ll get straight, stylish and the treads of the tyres might as well give them a new shape!

9. This one is actually a serious one. Suggested by my sister. Use a comb regularly and read this http://www.sunsilk.com.au/expertise/best-hairstyle-is-as-straight-as-can-be.html. I hear it works! (Since I have a lot of female readers, I’d prefer a feedback on this one 😉 )

10. While I am suggesting everything to get you straight hair in every not-so-possible way, people would say why have straight hair at all!? When you can have superb curvy… err… curly looks.

I’ll tell you why. Coz then you’d look like this.

devaang style

My fellow MNITians will know the reason of my death in the next few days now! 😛

11. Listen to 12 Rajinikanth jokes and tell yourself that Rajinikanth can’t get your hair straight. Since it’s his birthday, he won’t kill you, but he’ll surely straighten up your hair by thinking about it.

12. When none of the above ways work and you’ve reached till here, look in the mirror, you already have straight hair! After all you read a full post on my blog. Not a cake walk I tell you!

So this is it. I have tried not making sense as long as I could, if by mistake I made sense somewhere, that was purely coincidental and unintentional. Kindly bear with it.

Also wish me luck, maybe the super awesome sunsilk people will give me a goodie for writing this! 😛

And you do know my book is published, write… err… right?
Buy it here: www.bit.ly/booklinks, www.bit.ly/booklandmark, www.bit.ly/bookflipkart 🙂

 

PS: Thank you Shubham Khandelwal, my co-author in the most liked post till date of this blog “The Resume of a girl” for his inputs in the post. 🙂

 “Hello… I am older than all of you, I was born when people wanted to communicate. I am gentle, I am smooth, sophisticated and easy, above all. But people these days hate me. They cut me, play with me and kill me. It’s a humble request. Please don’t do that.” 

Yours sincerely,
English language.
PS: Do read this blog, it’s awesome!”

That was an email I found in my inbox yesterday. Well I have received a letter from Rajinikanth before, this is nothing.  So why this letter? Read on.

“Yesterday ma mom bot me a new cellphone… how kewl is that… ehh!!”

Yes, it’s cool, and even cooler is that the same cellphone will now be used to send thousands of such meaningless texts!!!

India is a developing country, even then why the minds of some gems of our generation aren’t developing is a big mystery. If you have been active on facebook, you’ll know this kind of people. Ruthless, merciless, rude and insensitive… towards English. They will roast, fry, bake and finally tear off each word like it’s there own property. Ironically, they noticed that I said ‘there’ instead of ‘their’ in my last sentence.

If I start giving examples, the list won’t end. But on the same time, their efforts are commendable. After all our so-called English-speaking people have made their own vocab now. To exemplify, I have some words.

They’ve replaced “picture” with “pikta”. Yes, sounds as it is spelled. Weirdness has just started. The reason behind this change is that “pikta” is easy to type and sounds cool.

That reminds me the word “Cool” is now “Kewl” now I wonder why this transformation occurred, I mean typing kewl is even more time taking than the regular one with two o’s!!

“My” is now “ma”. So apparently “ma” is everywhere, ‘ma cellphone’, ‘ma bike’, ‘ma bag’ and ‘ma college’. The only bad thing is that our original ‘ma’ might not be proud of this.

One of the revolutionary word replacements is “lyk” instead of “like” now I think people will go clean their private jets in the time they saved by typing one less character!

The next spot is taken by ‘ba’ and ‘ny’, believe it or not, these are the replacements for ‘by’ and ‘any’. Kewl, isn’t it?

Recently this is something I read while I was browsing facebook. “Congoz dude cary on… ol d bst fr the future”. But obvious, my comment was “How come you spelled future correctly?”

Now that I think, I guess around 380 million people are speaking this 3rd most spoken language in the world. English must be pretty strong right? Well not stronger than us, we kill it every day!

Just imagine, the people who fail to understand how misinterpreted their words can be when they say “can u cum” instead of “Can you come”, how will they understand the actual tough concepts, like the difference between “its and it’s”, “Their, there, they’re”, “Than/then” and above all “Literally and figuratively”!!!

Now you must be thinking why this preaching all of a sudden? Have you ever seen this status? “Hey ol, how r u… listen I got admit to clg… and ystrday was ma bday… u ol make ma liFE spEcial… THanku… ure ma sweet frnds… will miss ya…”
I saw it this morning, have been tensed since then.

I just want an answer to this query, “Whoever initiated this language, must’ve been a busy man. But did he not know that while he was busy murdering one of the most sophisticated languages in the world, there are hundreds of kids preparing for Spelling bee to honor the same!”
Now that I think, it’s not a one man task, it must have been a group thing. So we can say English has been gang raped.

Now this is something interesting I came across, not mine, credits to a page I found on facebook.
“Proper capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

So all in all, I request all, those who do, those who don’t and those who do but will say they don’t, please don’t kill this language. For the sake being kewl… err… cool, you don’t use such words, it makes you look like a fool! And please, you say ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’ the next time, I am gonna take an embarrassing pikta of u and post it to facebuk!!

PS: This was my 50th blogpost, hope you liked it. It’s been a nice journey. And hence, my 51st blogpost is going to be a thank you note to all my readers.  🙂

Hello all, you know the blog is famous right? 😛

 Yesterday a strange thing happened, I received an email which didn’t say anything except for the subject line “Open the attachment in a cool and dry place”. Obviously I opened it and found this letter that I am sharing with you all. It’s a letter from Rajinikanth, containing a few myth busters about him. Since what follows is said by him, Do Believe it!!! (Even if it’s not about him 😛 )

Read on:

So they are on again!! These kids I tell you, they just keep on blabbering about me.
Oh Hi..!! I am Rajinikanth… It’s my birthday and I am crying… And why shouldn’t i? Do you think I like all those jokes being made on me? They have made me a superhero!
And I am bored now! When I asked Zuckie to make Facebook, a thousand posts daily about me wasn’t something I wanted. And moreover, most of them are false, they don’t contain any truth about me.
Anyway, it’s my birthday, so I thought, why not tell you a few myths about me through this super awesome and cool blog read by over 100 people. Before you move on, pardon my poor English, Oxford dictionary will soon be updating its database with mine.

Well… To start with, they say “I was playing cricket, I hit a six and the ball was lost. Since then it’s known as the planet Pluto!!”
Ridiculous!!  Pluto was not formed when I was playing cricket… it was a game of shot-put and I am ashamed that I fouled so it remained in the same galaxy!! Stop embarrassing me people!!

Next thing I heard was, My school time notes are today known as Wikipedia!!
I wonder why someone would spread such a stupid rumour about me. Is that even possible! Wikipedia is the result of what I used to scribble on my house walls when I was 4!! My high school notes are confidential. (The US govt. didn’t want the theory of relativity to be proven wrong!)

I don’t like it when people don’t get their facts right. They say After Graham Bell invented the telephone, he got two missed calls from me”.
What are you thinking? I didn’t give the miss calls? Oh no… but do you really think RAJINIKANTH would give MISS calls! Those were proper rings which his deaf wife didn’t hear!!

This is just a start, I am also frustrated by the fact that people think I rotate the earth!!”
NO!!! I just angrily pushed it once!! Rest is all Galileo’s concept. It’s like they don’t even know the basic science!! Idiots!

One thing which I always feel bad about, is the never ending comparison. They all say, all Rajinikanth jokes are inspired from chuck Norris. And some also ask “Who will win if there’s a fight between Rajinikanth and chuck?”
Frankly, I don’t want to answer that. You tell me, how you would feel if you had a kid whom you taught everything and now people start comparing you to him!

You… why are you looking back?  I am talking to you!! You tell me, is it right if people say you’re a filthy loser who is pointless about his own life? I mean, I know it is correct but you won’t feel good if someone says that on your face right? So my situation is kinda similar!

When people say things like “Only Rajinikanth can count the number of stars” and “Rajinikanth doesn’t need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates”  I take it as a personal insult! Why would people say that!! Even if it’s true, this is not something I am proud of. Do you know while travelling back to India when I jumped from the tower of Pisa, it bent due to my weight! Please stop referring to such incidents, it’s humiliating!!

Well… this is just a glimpse of what terrible things people say about me! You can always Google for more of my jokes, though I would recommend not to because Google also updates its database from my diary!

Rajini Facts

I hope you now know what I am actually. On a serious note, I am a Tamil actor/writer who has won 36 awards as a star. Though everyone seems to know that I can turn black holes to white, no one might know that I won a Padma Bhushan for my contribution to the film industry.
For all those who are still looking for humour in the post, I don’t know the two people who shake hands in the nokia mobile and for heaven’s sake don’t ask me the Victoria’s Secret!!!!

So the next time someone asks me anything about that, I’ll kill him by a wink!!!

PS: I also don’t have any idea why this kolaveri di!!

PPS: This blog is awesome!

A note from the author:

It’s been 12 days since I brought the last post, though I have no idea why someone would like this but I guess Rajinikanth is there, I’ll get record hits anyway. Since the letter is by Rajinikanth, do believe all things he said, including those about the blog 😛

 

<Updated>
I got record hits on the post as expected 😀
See the post on http://blog.thewittyshit.com/2011/12/16/a-letter-from-rajinikanth-birthday-special/ as well 🙂

I am an Indian. All Indians are my brothers and sisters. I love my country.

I think this pledge should be modified now. We need to insert a line in it saying “I will always watch Bollywood movies with full energy and excitement regardless of its story and script, and I will try to make it a hit.” Because otherwise I don’t see a point in releasing Bollywood movies in India these days. When we know that every single citizen of India likes to watch Hollywood movies and though most of them watch them because they like them, there are also people who watch them just because they aren’t Bollywood movies. It’s like a class for them and an issue of standard. If you read my previous article “are you a Facebook dude” , you will easily detect such kind of people among masses.

Ok one thing quick, if you think in this article you’ll see jokes like “what if dharam paji was in titanic” or “what if rajinikanth was the hero of terminator” plz stop. This article is even worse.

So I was thinking about all this and then I thought (yes, sometimes thoughts come to my mind too) that what can the Bollywood guys do to make their movies as good as those from Hollywood. One idea would be to spend more, act better, use better technology, employ more people, get a better script, a better cinematography and blah blah blah… which we all know isn’t happening.

So here’s another idea (we Indians are so good at jugad aren’t we). Why not we make a hindi remake of the Hollywood movies. Just think about it. No story required, no different script needed, all the heroines dying to do vulgar scenes get a treat, all the actors like emran hashmi would start working for free, audience will enjoy and I hear the censor board is also passing movies without watching these days. Since this idea came to my mind, I thought what if we start doing it and how about a few Hollywood movies for starters. Here’s my plan.

We will start from the epic series HARRY POTTER. Since its one of the biggest Hollywood flicks and doesn’t expect any further parts from Hollywood. Here we will name it “Aaj ka Jaadugar”. Lead role can be played by Uday chopra , since he’s a wonder kid and after such a terrible career he is still alive is no less than a magic. Now we have a clear contender for voldermort too, Mika… Who else can live without a nose right!!

Another movie that strikes my mind is Mission impossible. As the 4th part is in the pipeline and people are pretty excited to watch it, we’ll release our MI just after that one and in a much bigger avatar. Our MI will have Abhishek bachchan as a hero and the selling point of the movie is that it’s based on a real life story, abhishek bachchan surviving in Bollywood was obviously a mission impossible and he did it (we even gave him a reward called Aishwarya). The best thing about the movie is that eminent personalities like salman and vivek would be the negative leads!

What’s fun is the next movie, SPIDER MAN… as the 4th part is being released without the well-known spider man, we have a good scope for the movie in India.  For the role of spider man we have the evergreen Jeetendra. He can sure jump from place to place. The role of his girlfriend can be given to Neha dhupia coz she also has no value in the industry and is available all the time(that’s what spidey’s girlfriend does right?)

We in Bollywood have a big advantage, RAJINIKANTH, so if anyone can’t play a role in any movie, we will ask him to do it.

Enough about movie series, let’s talk about some single part hits.

Like 300.That movie can easily be made in Bollywood with the name  “ ANNA – A biography” I think he had even less than 300 supporters initially when he started the movement.

The movie “Silence of the lambs” will feature our PM Manmohan Singh for obvious reasons.

“The losers” in Bollywood will have 11 heroes… (You guessed it right, me talking about our cricket team)

“dirty rotten scoundrels” in India would be featuring Kalmadi, Raja and Kasab. There will be a guest appearance by Digvijay singh too.

We can’t have a better suited person for the lead role in “Father of the bride” than Prakash padukone (Deepika padukon’s father if u don’t remember the name) coz he has the most desperate daughter in the whole universe.

“The babysitter” will have Simi garewal  as the lead as she’s doing sort of a same job In her latest show.

After all these big movies coming Bollywood way, I think there’s a great scope for even bigger hits in future. People like Steven Spielberg have already showed their interest in Bollywood movie titles (Avatar is a hindi word right??)  and if we have such flicks in our hand, the time isn’t far when we’ll see people paying money to watch Bollywood movie dvds(which is a rare scene these days).