Posts Tagged ‘news channels’

According to the latest news leaks by our very own Leaky-pedia, it is positively a confirm information that our country’s home minister, Dr. P Chidambaram will now be assisting the indian judiciary on how to “close matters” quickly. The decision was reportedly taken by the IPC after seeing the efficient and prompt decision making skills of the honorary minister in different matters recently. The judiciary seemed to be specifically impressed by his statement in the legendary press conference about the 2G scam, which included Pranab mukharjee too where P Chidambaram had stepped forward to say that the 2G scam was now a closed matter.

According to the respected judge S.H. Kapadia , “This decision was pending long way, we always wanted someone good enough to be with us and take responsibility of the weird decisions we’ve been taking. Now that Chidambaram is assisting us, I don’t think there’s gonna be any delay, seeing his present statements, I can say we’ll now always have the option of “Closing” the matter if decision can’t be taken!”

According to one other official in the Supreme Court, Shree Altamas Kabir, “Chidambaram fulfils all the requirements we had. He’s a master of law from the Cambridge university, he has direct contact with the real man of India, Sonia ji… and he has the ability to prove that the matters are closed.” “Take afzal guru’s matter for instance, we took so much time deciding what to do with the guy, and when we transferred the case to home ministry, what they decide is not to decide anything. The matter was so small according to them that they considered it closed.  Also, due to my personal contacts with Chidambaram, I know he wanted the Jessica Lal case to be closed too as the supreme court was too big to give a decision on such a small matter.”

According to our sources, Digvijay singh was seen partying at his house… when caught by us he agreed that he was happy with Chidambaram sir Ji to be assisting the judiciary. He said that terrorism in India has decreased in past years. Previously 100s were killed in a single blast and these days 10-20 are killed and frequency is doubled, so we do have a less number of deaths. This simple concept wasn’t getting into judiciary’s underdeveloped minds and Chidambaram bhaiya is the best person to “Close” the matter. He can always tell them that terrorism is out of question when we have bigger issues like Soniya madam’s cancer.

Noted jurist K K Venugopal said that this was surprising, but this decision will have some deep impacts. Now we can seek help from home ministry over matters like Maoists and the so called Terror attacks in Assam. As these matters are regionally restricted, I guess Chidambaram might consider them closed as well.

Finally when we got talking to our very own Dr. P Chidambaram himself, we came to know some very interesting points. According to him it was pretty clear that judiciary had to seek his help someday. There was a pretty slow speed of solving cases which actually weren’t “That important” and were being overrated. He said that next elections aren’t very far and we want to set an example as well as want to prove our quality in front of the public. We will still deal with bigger issues patiently, but frankly, I don’t see any.
Also that now he will be having powers to interfere, he will take personal classes of Indian judges on “How to Close matters” and will be getting ready himself for the next elections. Their main aim is to make a country free of malice and malevolence and if people don’t have cases to discuss upon, we’re pretty much done.

After all this drama, we just hope that the govt. might as well give the education department to Digvijay Singh who will even say that IITs and NITs are useless (After the great decision of scraping JEE by another minister). But even then, giving judicial powers to home ministry seems a revolutionary step. Who knows one day we’ll see the case of Rahul Gandhi’s cold and Soniya madam’s lost necklace being solved by the supreme court.

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According to our not-so-trusted sources, it’s a popular news in the country that our Planning commission ministers will be trying their luck in a new TV show named “32 se kam”. It’s a reality show based on the concept that they have to survive an entire week without spending more than Rs 32 a day.

Our efficient reporters were able to dig up more on this. The action is reportedly said to be taken after the great “Tendulkar Report” of the planning commission that People in urban areas who spend more than Rs. 32 a day will not be considered poor. According to the makers of the show, “It was really interesting to know that our leaders think that a common man can survive by just spending Rs. 32 a day which includes his daily requirements of Water, Electricity, Clothing and food!

In the show, the ministers will be fighting each other out to spend the least. Winner will be declared after the week after calculating the expanses of every minister. There are certain guidelines to them as per the report, like, they can’t spend more than Rs 5.5 per day on cereals which certainly deprives  them of  buying 100 grams of good quality rice and half a kg edible wheat flour.  They also won’t be spending more than Rs 2.3 on milk hence not even getting a proper toned milk which costs Rs 5-6 per 100 ml these days.

Reportedly, Warm up cum Preliminary round was taken up by the ministers of planning commission to see if they qualify for the competition. Though Most of them faced utter difficulties while coping up with the budget restriction, none of them showed it on his face thanks to their superb expression control, which might be because of their expression change in front of the voters.

Montek singh ahluwalia himself was eliminated from the competition after he was seen buying a banana which costs more than 44 paise. Shri Ashwini kumar faced elimination because he drank a Cup of coffee which contained sugar that apparently costs more than 70 paise.

Other ministers like A Raja, Suresh Kalmadi were also given wild card entries in the competition.
On detailed questioning, it was revealed that Raja gave a bribe of 32 crore to show that he can survive in 32 Rs a day while Kalmadi came in for free thanks to his name match with Suresh Tendulkar (Who by the way, is the Report incharge)

The supreme court seemed ok with the competition, according to officials, “We don’t have a problem with the competition…  it’s good that our ministers are trying.. it’s easy, that was the reason we approved the report. In fact even we want to take part in the competition, we are even thinking of taking the limit below Rs 30”

The producers of the show also cleared that the ministers won’t be allowed to spend more than Rs. 30 per month on health which is actually 30 paise more than what they have allowed for the common man. It should be noted that this means you will get to spend 99 paise per day on health though a Disprin costs more than Rs 1 !!
In other details, The ministers will also be given a 10 Rs note each to find a good footwear for the show.

According to the Latest BPL criteria given by the Tendulkar Committee report and followed by “32 se kam” Makers, the worst news related to the competition was that Dr Manmohan singh himself won’t be able to use his tube of Fair and Handsome cream which costs more than 30 Rs since he was allowed to spend only less than 29.6 per month on personal care.

Though the public was furious with the report but the decision of this competition has turned the tables and now they are eager to see what happens with all the ministers at the end of the week.

Now that the competition is about to start, we can only hope this might provide some sense to our ministers in the end.

Check this article on NTMN too 🙂
http://newsthatmattersnot.com/2011/09/new-reality-show-sawaal-32-ka-challenges-planning-commission-members-to-survive-on-rs-32-a-day.html

Hello all… yes I am back, from nowhere… I was hiding here only to catch some big news and review or fake it in my style… but damn this government knows me well!!! They decided not to give me anything new and did their usual things, i.e, increased petrol prices and kapil sibbal blabbered a little more about some other non-sense! So I thought let’s find something new and refreshing… and see what I stumbled upon! I got the list of the 11 participants trying their luck this year in BIG BOSS Season 5!! Hosted by two of our industry’s Macho-Men Sal-man and Sanjay!!  Though I still don’t have the names of remaining two… (You do know there are 13 contestants right? )

Ok so hold your breath, I have a complete detail of the participant including the views of everyone on his/her participation… remember… it’s a secret so feel free to tell anyone, it’s my blog after all!!

Bigg Boss

So the first participant who will be on his way to big boss is our very own Rahul Gandhi!
According to the producers “He’ll be attracting youth towards our program and won’t face a problem while having lunch with anyone, he has his experience in that area”
According to Rahul “the only problem I might face is regarding changing my diapers because mummy would not be there… I’ll try… <started crying>”
I Think  “He played very good against England, or wait… was that Rahul Dravid?”

Moving on to the next, we have a person from our very own cricket team Mahendra Singh Dhoni!
Producers Think “He has the abilities of leadership and knows how to handle defeat, well.. a little too much now”
According to dhoni “it will be nice to be locked In a home for 3-4 months… I couldn’t get a better place to hide since our return from England”
I Think “hey is he the same person who had an affair with deepika padukone??”

After Dhoni they needed someone from the fashion industry… so there goes the name.. Poooonammm pandeyyyy!
Producers Think “She is famous, people hate her so we love her”
According to poonam “I’ll strip publically if I win the show”
I think “plz hurry this time!!!”

That was gross!! Anyway, moving on to our fourth contestant, we got a very famous spokesperson here… hold your breath ladies and gentlemen… Digvijay Singh!
Producers Think “After rakhi sawant in season 1 and dolly bindra in season 4 we could not get a better bakbak machine than Mr. Digvijay Singh”
According to Digvijay “I really like this gesture, I am against lokpal, I love soniya ji, I like saying 200 words per minute, I think terrorist attacks cannot be controlled…. <And he fainted after we made him smell chloroform>
I Think  “With him being in big boss, I wonder if salman will get a chance to speak!!”

Now it’s time to welcome our contestant number 5… he likes saying this “I am neal, I am the man, RockStar… SuperStar!!!” Not to mention he likes lying as well… I know you’re having a hard time recoginising him… that’s Uday Chopra my dear fellas..!
Producers Think “His father promised us to finance the whole show if we take him”
According to Uday “…” (he was too happy to say anything)
I Think  “what can I say! I loved his dhoom movies… he was better than abhishek atleast!!”

When I talk about contestant number 6, I want all of you to look around and make sure no one’s there coz you might get kissed… YES ladies and lay’Das’, I am talking about Emran Hashmi!
Producers Think “A tinge of adult content is the theme of our show..”
According to emran “ummmmuahhhhh…” (our reporter went missing after that)
I Think  “I wonder after emran enters the show, the announcements will be like ‘Big Boss chahte hai k emran unhe chhod k kisi ladki ko pakde’!”

Now moving towards the contestant number 7… here we have the Bollywood industry icon KARAN JOHAR !
Producers Think <Serious> “We always have a gay contestant”
According to Karan <Ecstatic> “They always have a gay contestant”
I Think  <Sigh!> “They always have a gay contestant”

As the rules clearly state, they have a contestant very low profile and less known to public… As contestant number 8 this time Dr. Manmohan Singh is chosen for the job.
Producers Think “Soniya ji gave him permission to leave the PM’s chair for 4 months and he fits our guidelines for remaining quite all the time”
According to Manmohan “When I came to know Rahul baba is taking part I thought ‘Who will change his diapers now!’ so I needed to go there <then he kept quiet for an hour>”
I Think  “…” <I was too busy admiring Manmohan ji’s adorable words, seldom we hear them>

Now with have come to the point we need to disclose the name of our most awaited contestant… yess… none other than KRK…
what!! you don’t know him… go rot in hell! Kamal R Khan is the biggest superstar of the century… was a part of Big Boss 3 too…
He didn’t let me or the producers speak…
According to KRK “KRK itna chhota star nahi hai k ek season se man jaye… I’ll come again and again”

Time for our 10th contestant… without further ado I present.. Baba Ramdev !!
Producers Think “Yoga, politics, singing, lap dancing, winking, stand up comedy, kapalbhati! He is a complete package”
According to Baba “Karne se hoga! Mai big boss se nahi darta… use bhi pranayama karwaunga” <He winked twice at our interviewer>
I think ”
And now last but not the least… as I don’t have the names of next two, I present to you, contestant number 11… Anu Malik!!
Producers Think “He made our theme song for free.. though we realized that it was stolen from a mediocre Hollywood movie after paying him”
According to Anu “Mai apne andaz me kahna chahunga… Barish hui chham chham… India me fat gaya bam… aur big boss me aa gaye hum!” <the interviewer was admitted to icu immediately>
I Think  “I needed a reason not to watch the show!”

I am done with my 11… I would love it if u suggest me the names of the rest two in the same way I did..

Back to reality…
So this is it… the 13 losers coming to Big Boss and make a show with all the bad traits one of the biggest hits of country… Yeah that’s a fact…  a show that we all criticize and a show, we all know is for losers… a place where the so called “Celebrities” live together just to bitch about each other ,fall in controversies, show obscene content and to fight like weirdos and tell the world what kind of crap we can serve to our viewers and still, it’s one of the biggest TRP gainers of our country… I just tried telling how lame and malignant such shows are and we need to change such things… and on the same time the people I suggested are nothing but a question mark on the deferential position of our country in the world… With my previous articles like Sansani not so funny  and Indian Democrazzy I  have tried to convey the same thing… this time I tried to widen the scope…
hope u liked it..

If not, even then suggest me two names for this season of big boss the same way I did for the 11… let’s see what you got 😉

The Movie Cum News

Hi… you know me right… why wouldn’t you!! You start your day with me, and most of you even end your day with me. Sometimes I make you happy and sometimes I am the reason of your sadness. Sometimes it’s just me and you… I am not your newspaper or TV! I am the news which you read in it.

There was a time when people used to read me from inner pages of newspaper and watch me other than prime time too! But now I am confined to front page and Page 3!
These days I have become monotonous, I find myself caged! I feel like people have forgotten what I used to look like. There was a time when people used to get excited when they heard I have arrived. There was a time when I used to be about different things. These days it’s just me and one hot trending topic. It’s like I am some person who doesn’t have his own house and keeps renting apartments… months get over and apartment changes, but I remain the same monotonous and not at all beneficial!
I remember those good old times when there was this one channel for me. Everyone watched that. I was so glad that I was given national importance. Only good people felt pride when I carried their name with me. I don’t know what changed with the course of time but I sure am not the same! Now it’s not a matter of pride to be named with me, but just another routine for some people. Good, bad, ugly, creepy, real, fake, talented, stupid, corrupts all kind of people are the same when it comes to me now. That one channel which glorified me, now even that refuses to mention me! People have made several homes for me now. U can see me everywhere and on tons of channels. But I am not what they show me.
I am news! I am about everything that happens near you. I am not a single trend, I am about the masses! I don’t wish to be about some superstar who can do every possible thing! I wish to be about someone who actually deserves to be a part of me.

I was happy when I first heard about anna hazare. Actually it brought a change in me, I was tired of talking about a cricket team losing all the time. But then what happened…

People forgot that there are other things in the world.
Sensex, my old time fellow which moved a million hearts with it all the time jumped up and down like crazies but no one gave a damn to it!
The losing team lost many more matches but no one cared!
The world champ usain bolt was disqualified from a race and no one seemed to know.
The famous indian tennis duo Bhupathi and Paes won a doubles title and anyone didn’t pay heed to that.

I remember how Wikileaks was once very important when I carried its name, it published so many new things but people weren’t bothered about it.
Everyone used to blabber so much about price hikes in Oil and Petrol… no one even knew when they raised it recently.
And above all, the MIG-21 used to be a big issue in India but when one of them crashed this month killing the pilot, I didn’t even hear a squeak !

All I want to say is that it’s good to support someone and to make that a news, but is it correct to just make that such a big issue that you turn deaf towards other topics which once used to have the same place? And on the same time you are giving importance to some weird girl getting some facelift and some idiot doing a fast just to gain fame (I am not talking about anna, he’s fine) or some crappy fellow doing his own swayamvar!

There were days when every issue had its own importance and people could pay attention to many things at a time. But now it’s like everything either has to be breaking news or nothing!
People sometimes say that most rape cases in India are in Delhi and U.P, I disagree to that… Most rape cases in India are on the TV channels where I am being raped daily! I am not what they show… I am a lot more than anna hazare and way more important than a swayamvar.
I am something that keeps you all aware and updated. Please don’t take me for granted. You need to understand my importance and give me a proper space. I am not only on the prime time on TV and not only on Front page and page 3! You can find me on other pages too…

I think I have said enough, hope you understood what I wanted to say… I might have got carried away at some point, kya karu… news hu na…! I don’t know how to express myself, I am generally expressed by some other reporters and newsreaders, not to mention I am being misinterpreted most of the time but I thought this was a high time to come forward and tell you all that I AM NEWS!! And I am A LOT MORE THAN ANNA!!!

Author’s note: –  Pardon the different title, I just matched it with the movie name coz I could not instil much humour in the article acc. to its genre.

Gaur se dekhiye is aadmi ko.. iske masoom chehre pe mat jaiyega… asal me ye ek vahshi darinda hai…

Oh c’mon! Give me a break.

This is what all the news channels are showing these days.  A guy who eats stones, a lady who can see future, a child who remembers his previous birth!!! Where are those good old days when we actually got to see some NEWS on the news channels !!

Initially I thought TRP is a reason they’re showing this.. but who gives them the TRP?? Us. And who hates all this?? Us. So whats the purpose behind all this.

For instance, as I was watching a holi special program, an astrologer said.. “if u go playing holi at around 12 wearing red clothes and throw green color on a person with black clothes.. LABH HOGA!!”  WTF… oops sorry.. I wanted to say.. WTF.. yes, this only..  I mean how possibly one can enjoy holi under such weird restrictions!!!

Another weirdo on the same channel says something about vastushastra… acc to him the reason for the caller’s failure in life was his study table which was oriented towards south! I wonder if bill gates knew that, how much more successful he would have been.. poor guy has his whole office facing south!!

I don’t know how people can be fooled easily with this whole crap… how can u think that the reason of your failure in studies was a table lamp that was facing north and not your stupid message chats with your girlfriend all the time. And this is not it, there’s a lot more to go.

When we think about news , the first thing coming to our mind is our sweet government (yes I am being sarcastic). So here’s what the news channels show as breaking news when it comes to government

sarcozi ki girlfriend k bharat aane me hui adchan… kya karenge manmohan

Mayawati ne khareeda naya bangla… mulayam ne manga byora

Budget hoga aaj pesh, Sansad me kya fir se chalengi chappale

Where is the news that I wanted to see… what about the latest policies, what about the cabinet reshuffle, what about whats inside the budget!!!

These days the term BREAKING NEWS is used everywhere… seems like this term is becoming similar to reservation… used so much that now it should be put in general category

In Last few weeks, these were the breaking news.. “katerina speaks hindi on the sets of ZNMD” “harbhajan says I am not happy with dhoni’s statements” “ rakhi sawant to host Ajab Desh ki gajab kahani” so what about the new reports on the recent bomb blasts? And what about the big economic crisis taking place in the US?

And I don’t think there will be any guesses what was the biggest news last month (apart from rajhinikanth returning to india)… oh yes… HINA RABBANI… that was one of the most talked about persons in the whole media… as every indian now knows about her… there are a few who also know why she came here… rest only saw the breaking news which was “kya hina rabbani jitni khoobsurat mahila hamare cabinet me hai??”

And this was my personal favourite breaking news “Pakistan ne bheja bharat me ek aur bomb.. hina rabbani ne jeeta manmohan ka dil

There are a few things for which these channels have become famous too… for eg. A guy in a blazer and a pretty bad shave covers the whole screen… points his weirdly long finger at you and shouts “sansani me aapka swagat hai” and I am like “DUDE chill… the way you are shouting, I wonder the culprit might just die of heart attack!!”

Also there’s one uncle who comes to advise people about stocks… and he is so sure about everything that he can tell “reliance will gain a 100 rs by tomorrow” “bajaj is gonna lose for sure” and I want to ask him.. if you’re so sure why don’t u just buy like 10-20000 shares… why this little job… and on a more positive side why don’t u go and tell the ambanis what the company is gonna do tomorrow… they might just make you their partner!!

All in all… I think india needs a good TV experience and not INDIA TV experience… we have tolerated this AAJ TAK but not after this… and this is the time(S) now to tell them that we need some proper and real news.

Who cares if a man hasn’t slept in 10 days, just give him some sleeping pills… who cares if a child can eat 12 bananas at a time, just arrange his meeting with adnan sami…

But we do care about our country and we would like to know more about the recent developments, latest policies, good performances… none of us is interested in what cream shahrukh khan uses or what brand Amitabh endorses, we’re interested in what’s good for us and what’s better for the nation.

I guess this is it for now… but here is a question…  We all know how important media is and since it is inseparable , what can we do to improve its condition… ? I know we all might have an answer for this… but it’s time to execute.