Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

If there was ever a Nobel Prize given for extraordinary contribution to the field of littering and garbage mismanagement, it can be safely assumed that we Indians will win it… every year… till the doomsday (Which will probably happen after an epidemic that spread due to unmanaged waste in our country!). Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this to blame anyone. Neither is this a complain post or something that tells you ten ways to manage waste. This time I am doing the opposite; I am going to tell you the best ways to become the Great Indian Litterbug! We always have the Clean India Campaign to tell people otherwise, right?

So starting with the obvious question, who is the Great Indian Litterbug? And what can I do to become one?

Well, to answer what you can do, I’ll just say ‘Continue.’ Yes! Just keep doing what you do. Some garbage here, some spitting there, a little pee on the wall and a lot of plastic bags that aren’t too small. Just spread it like a wildfire. To answer who is the Litterbug, I believe this video will do a better job.

A litterbug is no special man. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to become the litterbug. All you need is perseverance and that ‘never say yes’ attitude. Did you somehow feel like throwing that banana peel in the dustbin? NO! Is there a public toilet nearby that you could use? Hell no! What about the germs? Go ahead and do it against the wall. It is open air… there can never be too many germs in there.

So how can you, yes you… become the litterbug? The answer lies somewhere in the following steps of what I call “The game theory of Littering”. Follow them and spread the dirt… I mean word.

  1. Point and shoot.
    Just the way Abhinav Bindra did it when he won the gold for India. The only difference is, you’re pointing the whole world except the dustbin. Play it your way, the whole city is your arena, literally!! Got an empty pack of chips? Or maybe an ice cream stick… Just think of it as a game. You miss the dustbin, you get 10 points. Plus there’s just so much trouble in finding the dustbin and walking towards it that you won’t have to take now.
  2. Paint it red.
    Are you a regular tobacco user? Bingo! I knew you were the one. No worries if you’re not, I’m sure you know at least one person who is; pass the baton. Even relays get you golds. Now imagine you’re in the Tomatino festival. Now get the Sexy Katerina Kaif out of your mind and imagine a shirtless Abhay Deol doing it just that instead of Tomatoes, he’s spitting tobacco to paint it red. And instead of a handful of people, you’ve got like a million walls to paint. Go ahead, leave no wall unstained as that may make people think of you as a person worth talking to. We simply cannot let that happen.
  3. Innovate.
    The most important part of any sport is innovation. How much a player is able to create the situations in mind and figure out new ideas to handle them is what separates him from others. Same goes for the Great Indian Litterbug. Innovate your way into the waste. If your friend simply throws the empty polybags on road, you play it one step ahead, you throw it on empty roads where nobody threw it before. Start marking your territories and find new places to mess up. I’d also recommend making your own taglines. So many companies are already supporting the littering campaign. While Mcdonalds says “I’m lovin it”, Nike is asking to “Just do it.”
  4. Take the leap.
    You know how they have the concept of Bonus line in Kabaddi; Unless you take the leap, you won’t get there! So go ahead, dive in. Make at least 5 people spread the mess and make sure they spread it like a wildfire. Make some posters. Use brand new sheets and even if you make a tiny mistake, throw that sheet away on the road, not in the dustbin. Stick those posters on city walls, specially where it says that sticking posters is prohibited. Let the law pay for your deeds, who cares about the rules anyway.

If you closely follow everything that I’ve said above, no one can stop you from being the biggest messmaker around. You’ll be the Great Indian Litterbug. Your name will be written with sewage waste in the history books. You’ll be the mark of smell and your sayings will appear in every hospital out there! Be the one, our country needs you.

PS: This post was a work of satire, in case that wasn’t pretty clear already. We all know how important cleanliness is, specially when it comes to the masses. To know more about the Great Indian Litterbug, check this out http://greatindian.timesofindia.com.

 The problem with our country is that we’re too many. In every corner of even the remotest place in a distant city you’ll find 1-2 million people and that’s just like .08 percent of our population.  Of course there will be millions who are in a relationship, millions who are single and millions who are dead married.

So here’s something, mixed with humor-satire-sarcasm (and lies) from our daily lives to tell you what not to do this valentine.

  1. An InterCaste Relationship:
    So you’re planning to propose her. Wow! How not obvious would that be! But think about it. Is she of the same caste as you?  Will your (or her) parents approve? And if the parents do, what about the society? I mean, aren’t random people we don’t know the most important people in the world? Do not go ahead with this. I repeat, DO NOT!!
  2. Dressing Provocatively :
    Hey girl… yes you… So you planned to go out with him tonight in the sexiest dress possible? Yes, the same shoulderless one.  Funny how you didn’t think about the “Vishwa Hindu Parishad”, “ShivSena”, “RSS” and a thousand more random groups ready to beat you up on every park/beach/mall out there. Better wear a burka… and don’t you dare look out!
  3. Speaking for something:
    You’re right. India is a democratic republic and there is a thing called freedom of speech. So yes, let our politicians exercise that right with all the random words/abuses/pepper sprays/knives and you, keep quiet! Thinking of putting up an FB status against this?  You do know people get jailed for stuff like that, right?
  4. Homosexuality:
    We are a freaking billion. There is of course many guys with a different sexual orientation too. But hold on bro, this is India. We’re a country where even the movie would be named 377 instead of 300 and the guy getting kicked would be Gay! Don’t even dare to think about this.377-this-is-indiaaaaa-coming-soon-in-a-parliament-near-you
  5. Thinking about the nasty! :
    Did you know that this 377 thing can put you behind bars for years? It sure can if you’re into anything unnatural. And when I say unnatural I refer to most of the stuff that happens naturally on the Valentine’s day with many.
  6. Going out in a traditional wear (Men only):
    If you’re alone and someone confuses you to be an activist, you may face the wrath of many! Parts of your body you don’t even notice normally will hurt pretty bad. 
  7. Write an article on 7 things not to do this valentine:
    Because I already did that.
    You can do something different, innovative and entirely different though. Like.. 10 things not to do this valentine!

 

Disclaimer: This article wasn’t meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. Your relationship status is already doing that job well.
If you liked it, do make a comment, I hear that makes the writers happy.

 

PS: This article has also been published here http://youthdiaries.in/7-valentine-shubham-choudhary/.

Do check out this amazing effort by YouthDiaries for the Valentine. http://www.facebook.com/youthdiaries/photos/a.304267172943188.61617.303200656383173/625869487449620/?type=1&theater

The shooting star!

Posted: December 5, 2013 in Fiction, Love, Sarcasm
Tags: , , ,

“Look! A shooting star…!” She said… smiling with excitement… close your eyes and wish for something, she said as she did the same.

He closed his eyes as well, wishing for something as she wanted him to.

“What did you wish for?” She asked. “Although I know we wished for the same thing.”

“Is that so? I wished that you clear your interview tomorrow. Your life depends on it. Did you wish the same?” He smiled, he knew the answer.

“Of course. Could there be any doubt! It’s just so much important” She said as she came forward and hugged him.

I am not sorry that I lied, wishing for your job was much more important than my interview. She thought as she sank in his embrace.

I am sorry that I lied… where the hell was that shooting star? Didn’t even see it! He thought as he was still trying to find the freaking star!

shooting star

Hello people! I hope you’ve read In conversation with a married guy and In conversation with the relationship guy before.

This is yet another conversation, this time with the over obsessed and mostly ignored, BBM guy!

We’ve finally found him. The guy who got BBM on his android phone. Out of all who were too busy in updating their Facebook statuses, he gave us a little time from his busy schedule. Before we start talking to him, here’s a little snippet from what he said in his thank you note.

“I too have a BBM pin now. I can’t believe it finally happened. It’s like one of the biggest dreams of my life come true. My father always wanted me to become an IAS officer but I always believed in bigger things and today I have it.

I have so many people to thank. Starting with my sister who bought a blackberry when I was just 16 and always told me that someday even I’ll have it. I’d also thank my 2167 Facebook friends and the 77 girls I added who never accepted my friend requests. Specially Sunidhi, your update “add mah new BBM pin 789xyz.. xoxo :* ” was a reason I signed up for this.

My heartfelt gratitude to the makers of whatsapp, wechat and line.. Now I can brag on all these apps that they suck and I have BBM which is better. Although I have no idea why but that’s what the knowledgeable people on twitter said. They even made #WeLoveBBM a twitter trend!

Before I forget, I’d like to thank my college friend Kanhaiya who said “BBM is hawt and whatsapp sux”. It’s actually his words that gave the final push to me signing up for BBM.

When I got the clearance mail.. I was as happy as I was when I got a tatkal ticket on irctc website.”

 2011-05-16-bbm gen gap

Alright, so we have with us, Mr. BBM!! (Or that’s what everyone calls him now.)

 

Me: Hello Mr. BBM. First tell us, how does it feel to have it? Another chat client on your phone!

BBM: Hello. Thank you for calling me in this interview. Kidding, you should thank me, now that I have BBM!

 

Me: Umm.. yeah… why not! So tell us, how does it feel? What difference has it made in your life?

BBM: Everything seems much better now. There are so many girls who haven’t blocked me here. I’d get to see their statuses.

 

Me: Wow! How did you manage to get their pins?

BBM: In college that’s not a big deal. The bigger task was to chat with them anonymously!

 

Me: So how do you think this BBM would be different from Whatsapp and other chat clients?

BBM: It is blackberry! It definitely will be way better?

 

Me: I know! But how?

BBM: Well, people on twitter said that. People on facebook said that. It’s new! What else do you want from me!

 

Me: Ok Ok!! Calm down. Have some water. Now tell me what is the first thing you did when you got the BBM pin. And what after that.

BBM: I updated Facebook with my BBM pin so everyone knows I am cool.

 

Me: And then?

BBM: What else? Who am I? Bill gates!

 

Me: Didn’t you chat with anyone?

BBM: I did. I messaged a friend on Whatsapp to add me on BBM and then he emailed me that his BBM pin hasn’t arrived yet so he updated his Facebook status that he doesn’t give a damn to BBM and then he texted me to come online on Gtalk as his skype wasn’t working.

 

Me: Okay! Where does he live? Australia?

BBM: Oh no. We’re flatmates.

 

Me: I’d just pretend that didn’t happen. Moving on. What is the next thing you want this world to innovate?

BBM:  I don’t know. Hey! How about a chat client that doesn’t use Data or network to send your message. It just does it for free!

 

Me: We already have that mode of communication. It’s called a pigeon. Alright one last question Mr. BBM. What is one improvement that BBM service could do for you?

BBM: I’d love to order pizza and recharge my phone from the BBM window itself!

 

Me: I am kind of glad you didn’t ask for a handwash and coffee machine instead. Anyway, it was not so nice to have you on ABugInMyMind Mr. BBM. Would you like to tell something to our readers?

BBM: As Che Guevara said, Be the change you want to see. Peace out.

 

Me: That was actually said by… you know what… leave it.

 

So ladies and gentlemen, it is good to have BBM or Skype, Whatsapp and every other app that ever existed on your phone. But it is not so good to keep spamming other apps with the new one’s updates.

And those who are smiling because they updated anti BBM statuses, you were also adding to spam list only. Just like this blogpost… umm… wait… damn!

 

 

PS: DO NOT FORGET to like my official facebook page. I hear it’s kinda cool. ShubhamChoudhary

Hello everyone.. I know how long it has been since I last posted. Getting into a full time professional life brings a lot of changes in your lifestyle. My manager would soon realize I was an exception to this but yes, last few months have been pretty hectic for me.

But that’s not the only change that I saw in my life. I’ve been getting many queries everyday from my juniors regarding placements and in the college to office transition mode, I realized how useless and fake the campus recruitment… or now that we’re at it, all interviews are.

So as this thought occurred to me, I started thinking about what most freshers are asked in their personal interviews and how they answer every question, and what the actual answer would be, had they been speaking the truth.

Generally in the HR interview round, first question is “Tell me about yourself.” to which the candidate answers somewhat like this… “My name is XYZ, I am in Final year of ABC stream and I scored XX percent in my final year. My hobbies are…” that goes on for hell knows how many lines. Since the company wants intelligent people to work for them, wouldn’t an intelligent answer for that question be “It’s all there in the resume you’ve already read. Why don’t we skip to the good part?”

Funny-Interview-Picture

Moving on, some more questions, in no particular order, I’ve heard (and faced) are…

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years from now?

A possible ideal answer:

In a place where I can give my 100% to the organization I am in and prove my leadership abilities in a positive way.

A possible actual answer:

Who knows! If I could predict future, I’d already be earning enough to hire you as my assistant!

 

Q: Why this company? Why not any other firms that visit your campus?

A possible ideal answer:

Sir I’ve known this company for a long time and I know the kind of work environment and growth I’ll get here is not possible anywhere else.

A possible actual answer:

Because others won’t take me!

 

Q: How do you justify so less marks in this semester? (A question most engineers would face)

A possible ideal answer:

I was going through a bad phase in my life that time which made me miss many classes/ I had an accident / Family problem… blah blah..

The real answer:

Beer. Night outs. Bunks. Affair. Break up… and more beer..

 

Q: What benefit does my company get if we hire you?

A possible ideal answer:

I am a hard worker and my analytic qualities are unmatched. I’d prove to be a worthy employee…

A possible real answer:

You get the blessings of an otherwise unemployed person…! Isn’t that enough!

 

Q: Why should we recruit you?

This is the most tricky question. If you don’t answer this properly, they don’t hire you. And if you exaggerate, they’d put you in some shitty department that requires the use of some alien language you’ve never heard of!

What can be a good answer to this? Because I can do the Gangnam style and Harlem shake together at the same time!?

Another such question, and the WORST of all times is, “Describe yourself in one word.”

What do they expect? “I’m Batman”? Even that’s two words.

ziggy

That’s not enough, there is more! In fact the list of such questions is endless. “What is your best quality?” “Your weakness” or “Your strong points”.

Although it is necessary for companies to know the person before hiring him/her, but seeing the results in campus recruitment, anyone would agree that such interviews won’t make much difference if there is a better way of judging students, more like, better questions to be asked in the interview.

That’s it for now. Now that I have some time, I’ll hopefully be coming up with more articles in some time. 🙂

Disclaimer: All the things I have ever talked about on this blog, I really mean them. In case I have knowingly and on purpose hurt anyone’s feelings, I am really sorry for your poor luck and bad hairstyle (yeah I just felt like adding that.)

Well hello people! You know today’s a special day now don’t you? I turn two today. *Claps* *Birthday songs* *Cheers* Thank you thank you. So I was talking to one of my friends and he told me that the blog is about humor and I have not been writing on that for a long time now. So I thought why not get back to the old track on the special day? So here it is, an article to help every poor soul on this earth (AKA: FriendZoned guys).

This one tells you, how to know if it’s really a date or not. (And how not to panic if it really is!). So you like her. Hang out with her. She likes you too, as a ‘friend’! How merciless and heart wrenching, is it? But there is 0.341% chance that you can still get a girl who isn’t going to put you in the friendzone, ok, 0.0341%, but don’t be sad, chance is still there right! Just read this.

How often does that happen? You and her, chatting up as usual, laughing and all when all of a sudden you drop in the idea of ‘watching the man of steel show together’ or maybe ‘trying the new double cheese pizza by dominos’ and to your surprise, without a slight delay she says yes. Now that puts you in doubt, is it a date? For you it is, but is it for her? Situation is even worse when she asked you out and you have no friggin idea if that was ‘asking out’ or asking out (you know the difference, right?).

i-dont-always-flirt-when-i-do-i-get-friendzoned

  1. Study the place you guys will be going to. See, saying yes to a ‘man of steel’ show is like accepting your friend request on a social network, not your proposal. It just means she likes Superman, not you. Also applies to Batman, Spiderman and any other man with superpowers. (Not the Indian Ra.One, Marry her if she is ready to watch that with you!)
  2.  So it is a movie, but you are going to have a pizza too after that. Now that tells something, doesn’t it? Yeah… her taste in good food! You bozo! What kind of a girl would go for a pizza on her first date? (The cool one, I know, but since she is going out with you, we’ve already established she is insane.)
  3. To know for sure she is not into you, you could try some advanced ways. Try asking her to choose a shirt for you to buy. Now a not so close one would be trying to avoid that. A too close ‘friend’ would mock you for your bad choice and then go ahead and choose some. And the kind you want, ‘close’ in a different way, would be ready to choose, but not vehemently and would go for formal wear (Mark… My… MWords.)
  4. While many guys find it attractive, I find it extremely anti-feminist that the guy has to pay. But yeah, she went out with you and you had to pay means three cases.

A:  She didn’t offer. : Either a great friend or a freeloader, my money is on latter, a phrase which btw, would never be said by her.

B: She offered and you rejected but she insisted hard and then settled for ‘she pays the next time’. : You sir, are SuperStupendousOutrageouslyFriendZoned. Ask yourself, do you WANT a next time?

C: She offered so sheepishly that you had to say no and pay. : She is the one, man! She is the one!

5. While watching a movie together with a friend is followed by some casual remarks and a normal bye, a date like this is generally followed by awkward silence, random chat and super awkward moments where you lead for a hug and she expects a handshake (even worse when you were going for a kiss.. what.. no.. never happened with me, just saying… what? no..! you suck!).

What I am saying is, just sense what she is going for and if it is anything more than a handshake and she says ‘call me’, she is definitely in!

 

6. Just call her and tell her you really liked it and would like to do it again. There can be a few possible replies.

  • Like:

A. Really, same movie, again! (She isn’t into you, she is funny, give me her number!)

B. Sure, but this time with our dates. (Got it? Go bang your head now.)

C. Not really, I got bored. (She is… well do I need to spoon feed thou?)

D. Ah, yeah why not. This time you chose the place. (Highly unlikely, and I only said this to cover everything. But yeah, you scored!)

Confused-guy

           7 . If aforementioned ways weren’t enough, ask her directly. Although I’d recommend some witnesses and at least one protective gear while you do that.

That’s it. Like those? Did you now…? really? Well, in case you did then don’t forget to leave a comment. In case you didn’t, leave one anyway, you wasted quite a lot of time coming all the way till here.

Once again, happy birthday to me and to the launch of Apollo XI, the thing that put Neil Armstrong on moon if you remember. This was post number 74 , and the blog has now crossed over 55,000 views. Thank you 😀

India is my country. All Indians are my brothers and sisters. (and hence I am forever alone.)
See… How concerned I am to defend our pledge from being violated. And not only me, but many people, in fact every Indian citizen is concerned about our national issues. We all want to see our country rise and we constantly keep thinking about what to do for it. Not that we do something, but oh hell… Who does? We at-least think!

So I was thinking what are the real national issues that are bugging us. And as a savior for the poor souls, I am here with a solution! Since I am intelligent, thoughtful, free and kind (and I didn’t have anything better to do).

1. So the first issue that strikes my mind is… When is Sachin Tendulkar going to retire?

Every freaking Indian is concerned about this. How the hell can this guy play at 39. He is too old. People can run a country at 80, but they should not, in any condition, play cricket at 40.
So I have the answer. He is going to retire soon. Just that he has this one condition. He’ll retire the day Mumbai Indians beats Chennai Superkings in an IPL knockout match. So… umm… I am not really hopeful with this.

2. This might be the oldest issue around. Even older then Sharad Panwar!
When will Salman Khan get married?
We Indians cant see a guy happy, can we?
The answer to this is simple. Why would he get married. All you get after marriage, he has it already, plus no disadvantages since he is technically single! So in case you were delaying your marriage just because you waited for Salman, cut it, you’re overage anyway.
3. Is Narendra Modi the next PM? Or is it Rahul Gandhi?

Frankly, do you really care? What you really should be worried about is that, how many times is Hina Rabbani going to visit our country this year! 😉

4. Next thing that bugs every Indian out there is this one girl. When, in the real world, will Poonam Pandey strip!?

No no, don’t look here and there, you read my blog alone anyway to save yourself from the embarrassment after being caught.
So, let me answer this with a question. Have you heard about the love and the cookie theory?

Just assume there is a button that says push to get a cookie. But a bird shits on you when you push. Would you push it again? Yes, coz you’re hopeful you’ll get a cookie. This happens 99 times until the 100th time when you actually get the cookie and even though you’re covered in shit, you’re happy. That cookie is love!

Coming back, consider Poonam Pandey’s striptease that cookie. Stay calm, you’ll get it. Till then, tackle the shit.

Credits: Some blog :P

Credits: Some blog 😛

5. I’ve seen people getting worried about a lot of things. Their job is in danger, the wife threatens to leave home everyday (and never actually does), their children won’t listen to them and the landlord can throw them out anytime… but the real problem for them is, “Will Ram Kapoor get his fortune back?”. (If you don’t know what I am talking about, please google ‘Bade Achhe Lagte hain’)
Just wait for probably 500 more episodes and you might get the answer.

(And to read how Ekta Kapoor and people like her are destroying Indian television, please read The sas bahu saga of India.

 

When we have so much to think, we probably divert ourselves by thinking on these issues and giving out lame solutions that no one really cares about. The strange and probably ironical fact is, by keeping these things in headlines, we not only encourage them, we also avoid what should actually be the real news.

So I’d end by saying this, instead of worrying about the winner of Nach Baliye and Big Boss, please do a little brainstorming on how to save petrol, maybe that will help you!

Keep reading 🙂

There’s one more word starting with C, but I would prefer decency over that. This post is dedicated to the recent trends of the confession and compliment pages on Facebook.

Remember the old times when there were no sophisticated means of communication. People used to sing songs and send letters via pigeons (or at least that’s what we saw in movies). That time when someone felt like complimenting the other person, he/she would write that in the letter… or kiss it pink maybe.
Then came the modern time when we have phones, emails and what not. And the best part in my opinion is the vehicles which allow us to travel and meet the person and say things right to their face. Still there are things that embarrass the hell out of us or make us shy (in short, love stuff). So for that, there used to be churches where you could confess to the priest.

And then there’s all those weird radio programs where a super melodious RJ will not only listen to you in a night show with a mushy name (let’s say, raat baki baat baki), but pretend to be the love guru and solve your problems too.

The question is, were these not enough? Now what the FB timeline is filled of? NIT Confessions, IIT Confessions… and when that wasn’t enough, LNMIIT and JNIT confessions. What next? Swami Barkhanand Gokhle Institute of Dhaba Management Confessions?

 

Slappin Batman - i confess that shut up

And that’s not it, there’s ‘compliments’ too. The idea is, if you’re too shy of complimenting someone, just say it anonymously and we’ll post it. This way, the person who is being complemented becomes a hero. And the compliment giver doesn’t realize that since the taker doesn’t even know who gave it, he/she just made a big fool out of him/herself.

If I had this much time to waste (actually I pretend I don’t), I’d rather make a page for rating the photos on the scale of their hotness. Who knows the idea might just sell well. (No, it’s my idea. Your argument is invalid).

Coming back to the cr… confessions and compliments. First the major institutes will make such pages. Then individual college pages will be made. And then maybe we’ll start making a fan page for every freaking hostel room.
First the confession would be for IIT Confessions page. “I liked this hot girl and I proposed her friend just to stay close to her.”
Then there will be a particular IIT Delhi confession page status. “I liked this hot girl and i…” before it’s even posted, the admin will think, wait… hot girl… in IITD… man this guy is lying!
Then IITD, Jwalamukhi Hostel confessions page. “I broke the water supply coz I didn’t feel like bathing and didn’t want to feel left out by seeing others bathing.”
And at last, IITD, Jwalamukhi, Room number xxx confession. “ Dude! I was the one who stole your red underwear.”

IIT D guys need not take an offence, they can replace that with the iit they hate the most or maybe any NIT and read back. 😛

Futurama Fry - not sure if these complement pages are actually working or j
Point is, while these pages are lame and probably ideated by people who were themselves either too scared to say and face the truth or kind enough to help others get out of their misery, they are kind of fun as well.

This is how:

  • You can almost most of the times guess who is the person making the confession on your college page.
  • You can post fake confessions and create a ruckus. (The nasty ones 😀  )
  • You can post a fake lovy dovy compliment for the lamest guy around you and get it published and then make it go viral. And once the guy is done bragging, reveal the reality.
  • Make fake profiles, get yourself some compliments!
  • Ever made a to-do list with weird things that remained incomplete? What’s a big deal in confessing you did them?
  • Best one: Confess that you bribed a teacher. Once the confession gets liked and shared, act like your conscious suddenly woke up and you want to bring that evil teacher in the open and name the one professor you hate like hell.
  • Confess on your status that you were the real admin of the confessions page and the current admin tricked you in making him the admin and kicked you out. And now he is posting wrong things about the college. DEMAND your admin status back!
  • Compliment your girlfriend with a hundred different guy profiles. Once she is noticed, you become the dude. (She is your girlfriend after all). Double benefit, even she’d like that (Unless she knows the real motive).

Personally, my favorite confession was this.

“#6 Nikita
you have curvy figure…, but only problem is your Mustache. Please wax it up for me. 😦 
NIT-S”

True, honest… and well… hilarious, isn’t it?

Two kinds of people wouldn’t have understood half of this post. Those who have no idea what compliment and confession pages I am talking about. And those who actually made those pages.

In case you belong to former category, here are a few examples for you.
http://www.facebook.com/IITConfess?fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/heartuninterupted?fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/confessions.nit?fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/pages/NIT-Compliments/334185053368302

And in case you’re in the latter, I know how badly you’re itching to put an offensive comment here. Go ahead, I’d love that. I have heard that hated posts go viral these days! 😀

Next month, next post. Looking for a co-author since I will be out of town and won’t get much time to write. Do write to me if you have an idea. 🙂

When I talk about the blockbusters this blog has given, three names that come to my mind are In conversation with: A married guy (co-author Anil Sharma), The real resume of a girl (co-author Shubham Khandelwal) and The Facebook relationship (that’s just me 😉 )

All three not only won people’s hearts but managed to be liked by the critics as well. Not to mention they also bagged tangy Tuesday and spicy Saturday awards by Blogadda. So this article, is my sole attempt to recreate what I did with Anil Sharma is the article mentioned first. This time, we’re in conversation with a guy who just got in a relationship. Without further ado, let’s introduce you to Mr. X. (He doesn’t want single girls to know his name now.)

signs-of-a-desperate-man

Me: Hello Mr. X. Would you please leave your phone and join us here?
He: Oh sure. Hello everyone, love to be here.

Me: Yeah, no one came to watch you. Anyway, what were you doing there on phone? Messaging your girlfriend?
He: No, I was posting about her on twitter.

Me: Ummm… Anyway… So let’s talk about your relationship. How did it happen?
He: You know how difficult it is to get a girlfriend these days?
Me: No.
He: How would you, you don’t have one!
Me: I do.
He: But you never tweet about her! Lame! Anyway, it is difficult. I really had to put in hard work, dedication, efforts and what not!

Me: What not? Let me guess. Money, endless messages and time?
He: Who cares about time? Before her I used to watch roadies auditions all the time.

Me: I’d skip that part. Let’s get a little more personal. Was she always the one for you or it happened suddenly?
He: Suddenly. Like, in a moment.
Me: When?
He: When she said it!

Me: So you’re saying that you said yes to a girl who you didn’t feel for?
He: Look at me. Do you think I have that option?

Me: I’d agree to that! Moving on. What was the first thing you did after this love realization?
He: Posted that I am committed on Facebook.
Me: What! Ok second thing.
He: Twitter.
Me: Alright after that and Google+. Gtalk, Skype, Whatsapp and all other crap… what next?
He: What? Shouldn’t I get any sleep?

Me: Sigh! Ok, so what was her reaction after seeing all this?
He: Who?
Me: Your girlfriend? What did you think!
He: I know. Just that it feels so great when someone says ‘your girlfriend’! Well she hasn’t seen anything yet, hardly comes online!

Me: Still she chose you? So what do you think she likes in you?
He: I am really a good friend. A nice human being. With people in every condition!

Me: Wow! That’s big. Can we get any examples of those qualities?
He: Yesterday only. This girl said ‘I am really sad, mah dog hasn’t eaten anything today’ on Facebook and I commented ‘There there’.

Me: I should have seen that one coming! So tell us one thing you really like about her.
He: My friends say she is hot. Out of my league. Maybe she watches Champions league all the time, that’s why!

Me: SHE IS A FOOTBALL FAN!!!! <Sat back on my chair>. Ahem. Ok. That’s good to know. So is there any advice you would like to give to all the single guys there?
He: Ha! Suckers! I win!

Me: That was… umm… precise! So tell us about your love life. Any special dates?
He: Not yet. I just got committed. Posted about it. We couldn’t talk next day and now here I am. But you don’t need to worry, I’ll blog about the date once we do it.

Me: I am sure that’s something every reader will read! And this question remained untouched somehow, what did she say when she first told you about her feelings?
He: I love you! And then after we cut the call, she sent me some mail I am yet to see.

proposal

Me: I feel old. Things these days have changed or it’s just you?
He: It’s me. Not everyone is lucky to have a girlfriend you see.

Me: How do your friends react to this?
He: I am not able to give them time now. They are kind of angry, I think it’s jealousy. But some respect me too. They even raise their hands when I see them from far.
Me: Do you have vision problems?
He: A little myopic.

Me: Hmm. I am pretty sure they have their middle finger raised while they’re respecting you that way. One more question, with so much going around you, what do you think is more important? Work, education, family, country or relationship?
He: I’ll answer that indirectly. Only single guys answer one of the first four options.

Me: I think it’s time to wrap. It was (not) a pleasure talking to you. (I feel choked and it seems I’d have to take a treatment for bullshit syndrome!)
He: Wait, I am getting a call.

<Speaker on>

 He: Hello
She: Hey, how are you.
He: I am great. Love you!
She: What?
He: Don’t you love me cheeku?
She: Are you drunk? When did I say that? And don’t say that name again, ever… to any girl!
He: But 3 days back you said that on phone. Remember?
She: I love YouTube!!! That’s what I said you idiot. I even mailed you a video of the cat combing her fur that day!

Don’t think much, he fainted. We took him to a hospital where he proposed a nurse and got beaten up.

That Mr. X is almost every other guy these days. Not literally, but well, almost. So guys, life is simple. Take it easy. Learn to appreciate and be modest and above all, listen properly. 😛

In case you don’t like it, comment below and I’ll make sure I make the perfect excuse for that.

Before you go any further, here’s a warning… This article does not make sense. Seriously. There is no way your deep intellectual mind and my verbally diarrheic mood are going to sync at any point. Still, I know you’re a BIG fan of the blog (just say yes, it’s a rule…), so I promise you one thing; If you reach till the end and don’t like the article, you tell me about it, and we’ll both laugh about how I managed to troll you.

There’s a big crowd of embarrassing people out there. While there are people like Rahul Dravid who make their parents proud, there’s one kind like Uday Chopra which makes their parents feel bad about doing it in the first place so that they were born! And there’s also this third category like Abhishek Bachchan which has successfully managed to confuse their parents.

That bums me too!

That bums me too!

Anyway, this makes me think, why would someone want to have children? If they grow up one day to become THAT!!!

I am not being sarcastic, not saying no offence to anyone, I am just being truthful here. Either they chose the wrong profession or their parents chose a very bad day not to use protection.

Talking about embarrassing children, taking a few examples, the first name I can think of is Rahul Mahajan. An upcoming politician turned an eligible bachelor turned a weird comedy judge turned a step less dancer. That guy is not the only Rahul to have embarrassed himself publicly, but he sure is the greatest one. Best thing about him is the laugh. Don’t Google it, you’d prefer Justin Beiber’s songs over it!

Coming to the next best guy, you all know him already. Uday Chopra. His father was the king of romance; he is probably the sting of his father’s romance. I liked him in Dhoom movies though. He was definitely less constipating than Abhishek Bachchan’s voice and Esha Deol’s dance. But I am pretty sure his father would have wanted him to study and maybe open up a business where he didn’t have to speak. See, it’s when he starts to speak, the problem begins.

I could list worse, but the list would be incomplete if I don’t include Sanjay Dutt in it. Before I go ahead, I like the guy. His personality, his style and the movies. But the things he does, I am pretty sure Sunil Dutt would have preferred putting him into day boarding if he ever saw that coming.

Rahul Roy, Rahul Gandhi… a hell lot of other Rahuls. Abhishek Bachchan, Tushar Kapoor, Shamita Shetty are a few other laureates in the list.

But then I remember, in my last article I had said, if you can’t talk good about someone, don’t say bad things either. So I’ll tell you some things I like about them. That is… well… umm… You see… I… I think they… Well… Hell! Leave it.

I should also appreciate my parents for being the courageous ones. Not only they gave birth to me, and despite of my father being a genius and me being extremely poor at mathematics, they’ve been handling me pretty well for the last 21… no… 22… maybe 21 years.

Before I start making sense, let me tell you that this article is a result of the frustration I had after a real bad day in my work. You see… I didn’t do it.

Coming to the end (Yes, this article was small… Thank your stars or probably the mirror you didn’t look at after you woke up), I’d say one thing to our famous celebs. Beat your sons when they’re young. Put them in Boarding schools and probably make them eat boiled cabbage. Do anything, but kindly don’t make another disaster like the aforementioned.

In case you need any help, talk to Rakesh Roshan or Javed Akhtar on how to raise your children. (My parents are busy these days… else… you know 😛 )

PS: Hope you like this new thing about the blog, that I am about to tell. An article every Sunday. A definitely funny one (Or at least a desperate attempt to make you laugh… like this one). That’s a promise from now on.

For the serious ones, occasionally, we have a Friday. 🙂