Your 9 step guide to dating!

Posted: October 15, 2011 in Author's choice, Lifestyle, Love, Nonsensical How tos and guides, Sarcasm
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Hi all. Yes Yes.. I know you all have been waiting for me to give you the pearls of my knowledge on this topic. Believe me, I was more desperate than you to do the same, it’s just that I had so much to write about our government, I didn’t get time for it. But now our govt. has asked me to stop doing it (now I am also a proud owner of a Swiss bank account!) So let’s continue with your guide to dating.

A lot of people ask me, what exactly a date means. What do we do when we go on a first date, and what should be the exact steps to follow. So I have made this simple step by step guide for people going on a date first time (And basically last time if u actually think of following this)
Remember, this is going to be long, but you’ll not be bored 😛

1.)    Getting a date

Don’t be desperate and frustrated, unless you’re an engineer!
First things first, who are you? A guy? Or a girl? If you’re a guy, be bold, confident, forward, fit, elegant, nicely dressed and supremely talented and then you might get a date. If you’re a girl, congrats… you don’t need anything, let’s go to step two.

2.)    Once you’ve asked her out/ have been asked out by him
What!! You’re a girl and you asked him out!! You’re lame and he’s gay… get out!
Now the other 99.983 % people who are still here, once you’re good to go, decide a place to meet.

Where you can go– Café/ bar/ lounge/ restaurant/Parks and well.. the weird library near my house (I always see couples going in there!)

Where you can’t go – Her house/ his house / your uncle’s house/anyone’s house and don’t even dare going around some place where shiv sena people have been spotted earlier… they are a pain in the ass (I mean literally!!!)

3.)    What to wear

It’s a painful task to decide what to wear. You should not wear something which never reflects your personality because that would be lame. Guys can wear simple shirts and trousers or full sleeve shirts tucked in jeans. For a difference, try wearing goggles that salman used in dabbang and the overalls barney Stinson once wore!

Girls can wear anything, guys never really concentrate unless you show off something other than your fingernails.

4.)    Once u’re in!
Now that you two are together, it’s a point where you need to know more about the person. You know to see if you can date him/her in future as well. But First, order something you moron, it’s not a personal interview.
Once you’ve ordered,
Guys, start with basics… for example, “Hey do you know who wrote Julius Caesar?” if she answers that, leave it, she’s too smart for you, finish your cappuccino and get the hell outta there.
Girls, you can ask anything related to your friends, like “Hey, have you heard what jyoti did yesterday”… if he answers that correctly, whoa, u got a girl in a guy mask sitting there with you, get rid fast!

5.)    Building the conversation.

Now that you know what to talk
Guys, ask something different and common, like “u remember our national bird” and give a little pause… If she senses that you’re stuck and says pigeon or parrot, kudos! U got a bimbo sitting around! Remember, she won’t even know anything about VAT and service tax, a little skill and u can get her to pay the bill. (Did u notice that rhymed!)
Girls, you can show him four fingers and ask him how many, if he answers anything other than four, either he’s crazy or you’re crazy!
Next up, if he/she has passed all these tests,

What to talk about — friends, movies , Relationships, songs, football and my blog
What not to talk about – girlfriends, Tamil movies, your own relationships, Justin Beiber songs, chelsea and well, this article on my blog!

Now if you’ve read The Facebook dude, you must know this, if she says she loves ET, Star track or any other space movie,
MARRY HER!!!!! And if she knows any footballer other than Messi and Ronaldo, Propose her right away!!!
Also, if the girl says she likes rock music, first check that if she is actually a girl or not, once you’re sure, MARRY HER!!!!!

6.)    I am finished with things I ordered, what next!
Simple, ask for the bill and a breezer (if u’re in a bar). Now when the bill comes,
Guys, Just give her a little look, so that she can insist on paying the bill… she asks for two times, then let her pay, you’re a moron if you’re still paying! And yes, save the breezer.
Girls, remember he’s a guy and he’s supposed to pay. But also remember, since I am famous, he has read the above line and will look at you, so beware of that killing look which is gonna get u to spend 4-500 bucks unnecessarily.

7.)    Gift!!
This one is basically for guys, as girls aren’t supposed to gift anything on first dates (Only if I knew that on mine!!)
What you can do is to buy something that she likes, wait, she is a girl, she’ll like everything expensive… so are you ready for that? Don’t answer, I know you’re not.
But remember that little baby hugging a small girl on a ship, yes the same showpiece your mom got as a gift on her 42nd b’day, that’s not laying eggs at your home, the only reason it was manufactured was that you could give it to someone else. Carry on the tradition!

8.)    Bill paid, talked.. now what!

Now this is the tricky part, at this point, guys need to take deep breaths, in order to make sure that the date actually went this far even when you’re a filthy loser who follows a blog guide to dating!
And girls, well what can I say, if girls can get 43 likes and 123 comments on their “good morning” status so they can do anything!
Now it’s time for the last talks and to give a finishing touch to your date.

So you liked her? Tell her, it was nice, will love to do it again.
And if you didn’t, just praise the weather, tell her how much you like the smile of her roommate and you’re done.

Girls, if u liked him.. Wait!!! You liked him? Really? You have many options, India only has 900 girls on every thousand boys, and the rest hundred would do anything for you! Think again!
If u didn’t, boy!!! This is gonna be tough, getting rid of a guy who spent around 1000 bucks on you while he could have bought a brand new FIFA cd!!! All the best!

You know last time that happened to me, I snatched the girl’s purse and ran away!

9.)    Getting back
Guys, Remember the breezer you ordered, time to enjoy that while you sit on a lonely chair in your room in front of your computer as you watch some b-grade movie! C’mon You just enjoyed a date that couldn’t go worse!
And yes, Girls, you don’t have to think much, just reply a smiley to the guy who messaged you the other day, you have another free outing ready for tomorrow, and be careful, don’t send a heart or you might just kill a poor soul.

If you’ve successfully (rather unsuccessfully) followed these 9 steps, contact me, I really want to see that sign of frustration on your face!  And remember, going on a date these days is more important than having a 9 page resume.

So the next time you go on a date, even if you don’t follow the 9 points, follow this opposite of the one thing which people always say, “Just Don’t be yourself!”  Coz once you are being yourself, you won’t need the 9 points to spoil your date. 😉

PS: a few puns were inspired from a famous comic duo i know, so thank you link 😛

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Comments
  1. shailesh yaadv says:

    tune ye sab kaha observe kiya re..!!!!!!
    maar li ladkiyo ki…
    nice. 🙂

    • although a prett ruff way out fr girls u hv created…n seems encouraged frm pyar ka punchnama too…yet all id say is …seems a lotta personal exp n also a 3rd persns view…:P coz whn u r in it u neva feel it.:P n also wish fall fr it again! 😛 yet wndr y ppl keep dec d probbabilty of dating agn by such anti-feminist idealistic thoughts! n den regret being single..! 😛 …wat is it like being a confused guy is well explained shubham..! 🙂 ….:P
      n yes…as dis is d 1st article …sm apreciation outta courtesy has to b der! 😛
      nice writng skills truelyy apreciatd! 🙂 i love d flow n d catchy content in it.(aftrall u gt m readng 9 pnts of crap! a wel deservd name dis blog has..:D …its way relatable n heartfelt.! 😉 …njoyd it all! 😀 shubham looking frwd fr many mr to cm ..;) n yes m gona b regular in dis case (i hope ) 😛

      • shubhamc21 says:

        @pragya..not encouraged from the movie.. the movie was actually made by a guy who had similar thoughts 😛
        and it is an all 3rd person view with a tinge of imagination, no personal experience in date spoiling either 😛
        Baki to thanks for the appreciation.. would love to have a regular reader like u.. like the fb page too 😀

    • shubhamc21 says:

      @shailesh.. hehe.. thanks.. but i did it with both guys and gals.. not bias u see 😛

  2. aayushmnit says:

    ultimate i will use these 9 points…..killed chelsea once again..:D n also ur blog reflect ur love towards fifa…..:D:D
    n1..

  3. Gargi Trehan says:

    after reading this i am more into being SINGLE tag u know….:P…..thats what i call MASTURDATING
    but still u have observed or experienced the dating process deeply ( but still yaar EXperience bolta hai) so i would say the latter..you have experinced it…;)

  4. many moments in the article were good! Like, I laughed hard when the line “What to talk about” ended! 😀
    Keep writing.

    • shubhamc21 says:

      haha.. glad u noticed the mini puns.. i thot u wud like that one too.. “Don’t be desperate and frustrated, unless you’re an engineer!” but happy u liked the article 🙂

  5. Abu says:

    great stuff 🙂 😛

  6. shailesh yaadv says:

    tu samajh raha h sud…
    tune kya reply kiya… :p

  7. littlehumour says:

    mast..!!
    lets see kab use aati hai guide..:P

  8. Gauri says:

    thanks yaar bahut kaam ayegi teri salahe 🙂
    girls dont have any option open for them, they dont hav eto get desperate 😛
    and guess what i sent a ” :-* ” to some one 😛

    PS- mast tha, as usual, liked it. 😀

  9. tripti goel says:

    you snatched the girl’s purse and ran away! lol 😛
    this is seriously good, as usual
    and refreshing as well 😀
    i don’t know if someone will go with you on a date or not after reading this…so uske liye all the best! 😛
    experienced lagta hai tu to…:P
    keep writing! 🙂

    • shubhamc21 says:

      hehe.. i created humor and u liked it, so i am successful.. 😛
      Rahi bat dating ki to i am quite content with what i have right now.. and moreover, girls like humorous people 😛
      PS: thanks 🙂

  10. guitarguruji says:

    hamesha ki tarah mast :D,bas chelsea ko bich mein lana galat baat hai :@

  11. If you don’t have anything good to say at least make it about something important…looks like you hit the nail on the head with this one!

  12. Elise says:

    in the same manner as your things in an opposite directio hither and thither it Your 9 action clavis to dating! « crap REloaded

  13. Dude,this was hilarious

  14. […] the 9 step guide to dating was a hit, I was thinking of telling you all some more ways to get into the world of romance. And […]

  15. […] Can text and talk for hours non stop, also, can sound dumb, cute, mad and lovable at the same time. (Quote: 9 step guide to dating) […]

  16. Anjali Pathak says:

    WOWWWW……..!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    That was soooooo funny…..thoroughly enjoyed reading it!!!
    Haan yar I am an engineer but….i am a girl……so I can do anything…:p
    How if a girl she says she loved David Bekham 😉 and this article is the source of INSPIRATION…so it has to be mentioned yar..:D JB is a cute singer…at least for girls 🙂 and thanks shubham….we girls will never look at the guy when the bill arrives…instead we will say mom is calling and get away…hahahaha
    Jokes aside…..this was really amazing guide and of course very amusing!!! (that rhymed too :P)
    fun quotient..100% writing style…ekdam jhakas!!!
    Superb job! keep writing…..best wishes.

    • shubhamc21 says:

      Praise me more and you get a cookie 😛
      Thanks a lot.. i liked the way u told how every point made u laugh.. the unique thing about this post is, if taken carefully and eliminated some points, this might actually work 😀

  17. an says:

    you must have written it for a 16th century girl!! :O

  18. Okay i liked everything except your dig at Tamil movies! U compared that and Justin bieber? I mean, come on! :/

    • shubhamc21 says:

      I didn’t, really. I just said that just like Justin Beiber is an epitome of bad music, Tamil movies are for bad movies. Now of course, some Tamil Movies are exceptionally great. But a majority of them do portray a supremely bad image of the industry to an outsider. You won’t say I am wrong in that, would you? 😛

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