Hi all. Yes Yes.. I know you all have been waiting for me to give you the pearls of my knowledge on this topic. Believe me, I was more desperate than you to do the same, it’s just that I had so much to write about our government, I didn’t get time for it. But now our govt. has asked me to stop doing it (now I am also a proud owner of a Swiss bank account!) So let’s continue with your guide to dating.
A lot of people ask me, what exactly a date means. What do we do when we go on a first date, and what should be the exact steps to follow. So I have made this simple step by step guide for people going on a date first time (And basically last time if u actually think of following this)
Remember, this is going to be long, but you’ll not be bored 😛
1.) Getting a date
Don’t be desperate and frustrated, unless you’re an engineer!
First things first, who are you? A guy? Or a girl? If you’re a guy, be bold, confident, forward, fit, elegant, nicely dressed and supremely talented and then you might get a date. If you’re a girl, congrats… you don’t need anything, let’s go to step two.
2.) Once you’ve asked her out/ have been asked out by him
What!! You’re a girl and you asked him out!! You’re lame and he’s gay… get out!
Now the other 99.983 % people who are still here, once you’re good to go, decide a place to meet.
Where you can go– Café/ bar/ lounge/ restaurant/Parks and well.. the weird library near my house (I always see couples going in there!)
Where you can’t go – Her house/ his house / your uncle’s house/anyone’s house and don’t even dare going around some place where shiv sena people have been spotted earlier… they are a pain in the ass (I mean literally!!!)
3.) What to wear
It’s a painful task to decide what to wear. You should not wear something which never reflects your personality because that would be lame. Guys can wear simple shirts and trousers or full sleeve shirts tucked in jeans. For a difference, try wearing goggles that salman used in dabbang and the overalls barney Stinson once wore!
Girls can wear anything, guys never really concentrate unless you show off something other than your fingernails.
4.) Once u’re in!
Now that you two are together, it’s a point where you need to know more about the person. You know to see if you can date him/her in future as well. But First, order something you moron, it’s not a personal interview.
Once you’ve ordered,
Guys, start with basics… for example, “Hey do you know who wrote Julius Caesar?” if she answers that, leave it, she’s too smart for you, finish your cappuccino and get the hell outta there.
Girls, you can ask anything related to your friends, like “Hey, have you heard what jyoti did yesterday”… if he answers that correctly, whoa, u got a girl in a guy mask sitting there with you, get rid fast!
5.) Building the conversation.
Now that you know what to talk
Guys, ask something different and common, like “u remember our national bird” and give a little pause… If she senses that you’re stuck and says pigeon or parrot, kudos! U got a bimbo sitting around! Remember, she won’t even know anything about VAT and service tax, a little skill and u can get her to pay the bill. (Did u notice that rhymed!)
Girls, you can show him four fingers and ask him how many, if he answers anything other than four, either he’s crazy or you’re crazy!
Next up, if he/she has passed all these tests,
What to talk about — friends, movies , Relationships, songs, football and my blog
What not to talk about – girlfriends, Tamil movies, your own relationships, Justin Beiber songs, chelsea and well, this article on my blog!
Now if you’ve read The Facebook dude, you must know this, if she says she loves ET, Star track or any other space movie,
MARRY HER!!!!! And if she knows any footballer other than Messi and Ronaldo, Propose her right away!!!
Also, if the girl says she likes rock music, first check that if she is actually a girl or not, once you’re sure, MARRY HER!!!!!
6.) I am finished with things I ordered, what next!
Simple, ask for the bill and a breezer (if u’re in a bar). Now when the bill comes,
Guys, Just give her a little look, so that she can insist on paying the bill… she asks for two times, then let her pay, you’re a moron if you’re still paying! And yes, save the breezer.
Girls, remember he’s a guy and he’s supposed to pay. But also remember, since I am famous, he has read the above line and will look at you, so beware of that killing look which is gonna get u to spend 4-500 bucks unnecessarily.
This one is basically for guys, as girls aren’t supposed to gift anything on first dates (Only if I knew that on mine!!)
What you can do is to buy something that she likes, wait, she is a girl, she’ll like everything expensive… so are you ready for that? Don’t answer, I know you’re not.
But remember that little baby hugging a small girl on a ship, yes the same showpiece your mom got as a gift on her 42nd b’day, that’s not laying eggs at your home, the only reason it was manufactured was that you could give it to someone else. Carry on the tradition!
8.) Bill paid, talked.. now what!
Now this is the tricky part, at this point, guys need to take deep breaths, in order to make sure that the date actually went this far even when you’re a filthy loser who follows a blog guide to dating!
And girls, well what can I say, if girls can get 43 likes and 123 comments on their “good morning” status so they can do anything!
Now it’s time for the last talks and to give a finishing touch to your date.
So you liked her? Tell her, it was nice, will love to do it again.
And if you didn’t, just praise the weather, tell her how much you like the smile of her roommate and you’re done.
Girls, if u liked him.. Wait!!! You liked him? Really? You have many options, India only has 900 girls on every thousand boys, and the rest hundred would do anything for you! Think again!
If u didn’t, boy!!! This is gonna be tough, getting rid of a guy who spent around 1000 bucks on you while he could have bought a brand new FIFA cd!!! All the best!
You know last time that happened to me, I snatched the girl’s purse and ran away!
9.) Getting back
Guys, Remember the breezer you ordered, time to enjoy that while you sit on a lonely chair in your room in front of your computer as you watch some b-grade movie! C’mon You just enjoyed a date that couldn’t go worse!
And yes, Girls, you don’t have to think much, just reply a smiley to the guy who messaged you the other day, you have another free outing ready for tomorrow, and be careful, don’t send a heart or you might just kill a poor soul.
If you’ve successfully (rather unsuccessfully) followed these 9 steps, contact me, I really want to see that sign of frustration on your face! And remember, going on a date these days is more important than having a 9 page resume.
So the next time you go on a date, even if you don’t follow the 9 points, follow this opposite of the one thing which people always say, “Just Don’t be yourself!” Coz once you are being yourself, you won’t need the 9 points to spoil your date. 😉
PS: a few puns were inspired from a famous comic duo i know, so thank you link 😛