Archive for the ‘One liners’ Category

Hello government, You suck!!! Just when i was ready to post about the 5 message limit, you extended it to twenty!!! :/
But guess what, this is MY blog… I’ll post whatever I want. So go ahead. 😛

So this is my take on the recent ban on text messaging. After Christopher Nolan’s ‘ban’e, this is the next ban India is talking about. Actually saying a ban isn’t right, it is a restriction, now you can’t send more than five twenty messages each day. But for youngsters like us, this is even worse than a ban. Imagine a situation when your girlfriend got pissed off right after the fifth twentieth message. Or you accidentally sent a wrong message and you don’t have one left to say sorry.

The most grief stricken are the students who used to laugh at their crotch during lectures, i.e. texted with the mobiles hidden behind the desks. Now they’ll have to actually attend the lectures!! I pity those who now cannot send me the messages saying a poor girl will get a dollar if I forward that to 10 people. Poor people! That was the sole way of entertainment in their otherwise worthless life.

Here are a few jokes that occur to my mind while I hear about the restriction and people’s reactions to it.

  • Now that you can send five messages per day, maybe guys will be able to figure out which girl is the one. OR at least narrow down the list to five!
  • So the government wants to prevent hate messages. Are we allowed to send five hate messages per day?
  • Earlier they used to say “Dear girls, if a guy pauses a game to send you a message, marry him.” Now I think we should change it to, “Dear girls, if a guy sends you a message, marry him”.
  • For me the perfect couple now is the one in which they send all five messages to each other.
  • In case a girl replies to your two texts in a row, believe me guys, it’s time you should tell her your feelings. (I know you feel since you texted her twice as well.)
  • For those who are happy since they didn’t have a message pack earlier as well, BEWARE! These people, after recovering from the trauma of this restriction, might start studying/working and beat you!!
  • The government is very thoughtful; they put a restriction on messaging right after they said they’ll provide free phones to villagers. This way they will refuse to take one!
  • Do you know which the latest Rajinikanth joke is these days?
    Rajinikanth can send six messages a day.
    Do you know why haven’t you heard about this?
    No one sends forwards now!
  • Now most roadies contestants don’t know if eid was this Sunday or Monday. Since they didn’t get any ‘happy eid’ message.
  • Whatsapp is the new replacement for text messaging. While it’s number of downloads have increased twofold in the past week, there were a few hundred broken phones with ‘bada’ OS found in trash.
  • While everyone is busy blaming the government for five message restriction, no one noticed that V.V.S Laxman retired from Test Cricket. Those who did, unfortunately couldn’t send chain forwards about it.
  • Multiple Sim phones are also becoming popular now so that people can send more than 5 texts a day. Probably after the ban is lifted, we’ll have lots of fraud cases to deal with. What a planning by the government!
  • The new company schemes are something like that. “Recharge with a 15 day message pack worth Rs 25, get a talk time of 15 and data pack of 1 gb free.”
  • Now the classic excuse of getting a girl’s number, “I have to go now, why don’t you text me” won’t work. Guys need to change their ways, temporarily at least.
  • The last one: How many jokes did I say? Fifteen, I bet this is more than the number of texts you sent in last two days. 😛 (This one still holds true if you haven’t send more than 10 texts today 😛  )

So how big is the effect of this restriction on your life? Tell me. Did you awkwardly keep staring on your mobile screen wanting the failed text to try one more time? Or you are spending way too much time on Facebook and Twitter now? I believe none of you can say that you didn’t try resending the sixth message when it happened for the first time.

From my side, I’d like to give a few suggestions to our government. Don’t remove the restriction, life seems peaceful now. At least people realize the importance of meeting and calling. For those who are far, we do have social networks to stay in touch. And in case you want to increase the restrictions, make it at most 2 statuses per day on Facebook. The people blabbering about this restriction are becoming way too annoying now.

And a few more restrictions can be on the number of likes every day. This way not ALL girls will get them and we’ll know who are the most intellectual hottest ones.

This is it. Feel free to tell me how you liked the article. Comment here, share if you like. And well… Text me 😛

Hello Everyone, Here is something as a gift for all of you. A post on the very first day of the new year. Read it and blame yourself for reading it later.

Just like every other year, this one has also gone away into history. But 2011 did make a lot of differences in many lives. We lost some (Jagjit Singh, Shammi Kapoor, Steve Jobs, Dev Anand, Dennis Ritchie), while some arrived into the world (Aishwarya’s daughter and 50 million other kids). We saw big things (Anna’s fast) and some small things (Ra.One’s cast).

But just like every other year, we are left with the same hopes (and the same failed government). Though it’s just a matter of one digit—2011 to 2012—which won’t change anything, but there’s one thing that we can always expect the next year to be better in. NEWS! Seeing the trends 2011 is leaving us with, here is something I think, can become the news of 2012.
Let’s start with the Hero of 2011. Anna Hazare is the obvious choice. If you don’t vote for Poonam Pandey as the Heroine of 2011, she can readily strip for you and your views will change. So now there’s high probability that the hero and heroine will join together in 2012 to do, well, whatever they do! While Anna performs his fasting, PP could strip so that the Anna fans do not get bored!

Seeing the popularity of Sharad Pawar since he was slapped, I think it’s high time, the PM should declare ‘Slapping’ as the National Action. Who knows, we might see the National Slap Day being observed, where politicians volunteer to be slapped and get Facebook promotions in return!

Another super popular thing this year was Kolaveri. Seeing the popularity, some underrated soul might use it for their fame. Don’t tell anyone but our secret sources report that Manmohan Singh is planning to sing the silent version of Kolaveri Di, to be released on his birthday next year.

Abhishek and Aishwarya were blessed with a baby girl this year. And I don’t see either of them having any work these days. So don’t be surprised to see a little Abhishek next year. After all idea 3G can’t help round the year!  😉

The biggest question 2011 is leaving us with is Sachin’s 100th century. And the way he has played, I guess in 2012, he will surely hit a hundred (of nervous nineties)! (No offence to Sachin fans, even I am one)

Bollywood might see some big things next year. Mahesh Bhatt has already signed Sunny Leone for his next movie. Bored by usual ways of promotion, he has decided to do in public, what Sunny will do in a movie. So the public will now get to see Mahesh Bhatt doing the same things he does on TV: shirtless!

"Should I go shirtless?"

"Should I go shirtless?"

The Bharat Ratna will also be another much discussed thing the next year since it is now open to sportspersons. Now that sportsmen can get it, I think Vinod Kambli will be its first recipient in 2012. Oh c’mon, the guy speaks the truth and he has played cricket if you remember! (Tell me you do!)

Next year, we’ll also see the Swayamvar of Veena Malik. Any guesses on who is the unlucky one to be her would-be? Well, The bug has the answer for you. News is that our unmarried former Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee would be going to try his luck, not because he likes her, but he wants Indo-Pak harmony.

Next year we’ll also see some big developments in other sports of India. Since we’ll be seeing the London Olympics, the government is going to buy new hockey sticks for the players and they promise none of them will be broken this time. Reports also say that our athletes might get a new track to practise. (The Government didn’t want the Janpath to be crowded by practising racers!)

As for the last and the best news, the biggest trend of 2012 is going to be the one and only RAJINIKANTH! As he is the one who will save the world on the Doomsday!

Well, we’re done with what is going to be the NEWS of 2012. We all have seen a lot this year, and on a serious note, I wish this year we can see better governance and a few stable policies. Please don’t say you laughed more on this point!

Oh yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR 🙂

Happy New Year

 

PS: You can also see the post on NTMN.

Disclaimer: None of the contents in the article is meant to offend any individual/group/community. I hope you would read it in the same spirit and don’t mind the words.
Still if you mind it, I am really sorry for your sad attitude and your family and relatives who have to tolerate you.

Hello, Ladies, Gentlemen and Chelsea fans. By my previous articles, my love for football is pretty much clear to everyone. So on a popular demand, here I present to you a Football special article.

Now those 85% of my readers, who think they should skip this one, DON’T!! Why? Simple, because I won’t be using any football terminologies or anything you won’t understand. I am just expressing a simple view of a football fanatic for the rare, unfortunate, underprivileged and a disgruntled species called Chelsea fans!!
(PS: all those who don’t know about Chelsea, replace the name with your worst enemy’s)

Let there be light. Let there be rock. After these two magical sentences came the third one, let there be football and hence the men learned to enjoy. But as they say, too much goodness is harmful, so to make that even, Chelsea was born.

People make jokes on every famous thing, that’s why Chelsea was safe!!

But then came a time when they won a title, I won’t say it was a fluke because in my opinion even a fluke needs an effort. And then they were known and people started making jokes on them.
The biggest sufferers were the ones who supported them. Legend is that they were paid even more to support than to play.

Since the start of premier league, Chelsea has been a popular name. Sometimes, even girls were named after the club. Poor girl, whole of her life she’ll be called Chelsea. Wouldn’t it have been better if she wasn’t named at all? Then we all would be like, “Hey nameless, thank god your name isn’t Chelsea!”

Since people dis them a lot, I will not do… well… Anything different!

I am not all against Chelsea fans, it’s only a part of me that says that, my middle finger!

I have heard/made a lot of jokes about them, sharing a few randomly on how to behave with Chelsea fans:

  • 4 steps to enjoy KFC chicken
  1. Go to KFC
  2. Order chicken
  3. Slap a Chelsea fan
  4. Eat the chicken!
  • When you talk to them, keep in mind, There are 4 levels of madness

Normal, Extreme, The balotelli level and lastly, the incurable, Chelsea fan level!

  • You must always know the difference between a Chelsea fan and an alien?
    The latter might have a few human qualities.
  • In case of an accident, if two people are injured and one is a Chelsea fan, always help him first.
    Reason: There is no risk of a brain injury(since there’s no possibility of a brain), life can be saved
    Also, who knows by saving him you just saved their community from getting extinct!
  • This one I included in my article, 5 questions guys can’t answer, “Girls have the special power of sounding cute, dumb, sad and lovable at the same time. In guys, only Chelsea fans do that.”
  • In other news, Chelsea fans are now supporting a new tagline, do the impossible… Though they have replaced impossible with “open goal”  #Torres
  • Oh and the name Torres makes me remember, we should support for the cause “Help those suffering with Autism”

I never get enough of it, have a lot more… you can also check out these links for some certainly epic jokes definitely not made by me!
Chelsea jokes
Chelsea Articles

Also, while concluding this, I’d say that I would love to present this article to a Chelsea fan, this way I make sure that my jokes suck less than the reader!

PS: I apologize if knowingly and on purpose I’ve hurt any Chelsea fan. You know I actually mean it right?

And again, I must say, I had to pick a certain club and take a case just to have fun. I don’t personally hate Chelsea, in fact I like the way they play.
Haha, just kidding… they suck!

Disclaimer part 2: If you reached this part and still think you didn’t like the article, i am pretty sure you’re a Chelsea fan! 😀

an appeal

Posted: July 17, 2011 in One liners, Sarcasm
Tags: , , , ,

well this is a random thought that came to my mind.. never thought this one will have such a big impact on people but yeah.. this one got more than 200 likes on Facebook 😀

A letter

Dear PM..
I think India really needs six lane roads like west..
Two for vehicles, one for the stray dogs and cows,

one for the so-called street racers, one for the ever lasting baratis and bands, and lastly..

One for our respected leaders..
Yours faithfully,
a common man stuck in traffic jam