Being a litterbug.

If there was ever a Nobel Prize given for extraordinary contribution to the field of littering and garbage mismanagement, it can be safely assumed that we Indians will win it… every year… till the doomsday (Which will probably happen after an epidemic that spread due to unmanaged waste in our country!). Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this to blame anyone. Neither is this a complain post or something that tells you ten ways to manage waste. This time I am doing the opposite; I am going to tell you the best ways to become the Great Indian Litterbug! We always have the Clean India Campaign to tell people otherwise, right?

So starting with the obvious question, who is the Great Indian Litterbug? And what can I do to become one?

Well, to answer what you can do, I’ll just say ‘Continue.’ Yes! Just keep doing what you do. Some garbage here, some spitting there, a little pee on the wall and a lot of plastic bags that aren’t too small. Just spread it like a wildfire. To answer who is the Litterbug, I believe this video will do a better job.

A litterbug is no special man. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to become the litterbug. All you need is perseverance and that ‘never say yes’ attitude. Did you somehow feel like throwing that banana peel in the dustbin? NO! Is there a public toilet nearby that you could use? Hell no! What about the germs? Go ahead and do it against the wall. It is open air… there can never be too many germs in there.

So how can you, yes you… become the litterbug? The answer lies somewhere in the following steps of what I call “The game theory of Littering”. Follow them and spread the dirt… I mean word.

  1. Point and shoot.
    Just the way Abhinav Bindra did it when he won the gold for India. The only difference is, you’re pointing the whole world except the dustbin. Play it your way, the whole city is your arena, literally!! Got an empty pack of chips? Or maybe an ice cream stick… Just think of it as a game. You miss the dustbin, you get 10 points. Plus there’s just so much trouble in finding the dustbin and walking towards it that you won’t have to take now.
  2. Paint it red.
    Are you a regular tobacco user? Bingo! I knew you were the one. No worries if you’re not, I’m sure you know at least one person who is; pass the baton. Even relays get you golds. Now imagine you’re in the Tomatino festival. Now get the Sexy Katerina Kaif out of your mind and imagine a shirtless Abhay Deol doing it just that instead of Tomatoes, he’s spitting tobacco to paint it red. And instead of a handful of people, you’ve got like a million walls to paint. Go ahead, leave no wall unstained as that may make people think of you as a person worth talking to. We simply cannot let that happen.
  3. Innovate.
    The most important part of any sport is innovation. How much a player is able to create the situations in mind and figure out new ideas to handle them is what separates him from others. Same goes for the Great Indian Litterbug. Innovate your way into the waste. If your friend simply throws the empty polybags on road, you play it one step ahead, you throw it on empty roads where nobody threw it before. Start marking your territories and find new places to mess up. I’d also recommend making your own taglines. So many companies are already supporting the littering campaign. While Mcdonalds says “I’m lovin it”, Nike is asking to “Just do it.”
  4. Take the leap.
    You know how they have the concept of Bonus line in Kabaddi; Unless you take the leap, you won’t get there! So go ahead, dive in. Make at least 5 people spread the mess and make sure they spread it like a wildfire. Make some posters. Use brand new sheets and even if you make a tiny mistake, throw that sheet away on the road, not in the dustbin. Stick those posters on city walls, specially where it says that sticking posters is prohibited. Let the law pay for your deeds, who cares about the rules anyway.

If you closely follow everything that I’ve said above, no one can stop you from being the biggest messmaker around. You’ll be the Great Indian Litterbug. Your name will be written with sewage waste in the history books. You’ll be the mark of smell and your sayings will appear in every hospital out there! Be the one, our country needs you.

PS: This post was a work of satire, in case that wasn’t pretty clear already. We all know how important cleanliness is, specially when it comes to the masses. To know more about the Great Indian Litterbug, check this out

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